PLEASE FORWARD/POST TO OTHER AIRHEADS ================================================================ The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1995-06 June, 1995 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1995-06-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1995-06-01 Table of Contents 1995-06-02 We Have Moved... 1995-06-03 Alluring Abstracts from AIR 1:3 (May/June 1995) 1995-06-04 Kato Disclaimers 1995-06-05 Sumatran Interlude, and a Change of AIR 1995-06-06 Ig Nobel & Ear Mites at Harvard 1995-06-07 Top Quark Tour Highlights 1995-06-08 Thin and Fat-Tailed Perpetuities 1995-06-09 Garden Pest 1995-06-10 Romanian AIR 1995-06-11 AIR Vents -- Exhalations from our readers 1995-06-12 AIRhead Project 2000: preliminary results 1995-06-13 May We Recommend... 1995-06-14 AIRhead Student Poetry 1995-06-15 AIRhead Events 1995-06-16 Calls for Papers 1995-06-17 What is AIR? (*) 1995-06-18 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) 1995-06-19 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) 1995-06-20 Our Address (*) 1995-06-21 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995-06-02 We have Moved... AIR has survived a few unhappy individuals' attempt to do untoward things to the Annals and to mini-AIR and to the Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony. We have now moved to a less homicidal home (see Section 1995-06-05 below). As part of the move, we have had to transfer mini-AIR to a new list server. Unavoidably, many people's addresses were lost or mangled in the process. Please forward a copy of this to anyone who may have suffered mini-deflation (defined as "a loss of mini- AIR"), and suggest that your friend re-subscribe to the list at its new address. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995-06-03 Alluring Abstracts from AIR 1:3 AIR is a subversively educational print journal. The articles in AIR are longer, more visual, and more xeroxible than the tiny tidbits we publish in mini-AIR. Below are summaries of a few randomly selected articles from vol. 1, no. 3, the May/June 1995 issue. [NOTE: AIR 1:3 is a special Food Issue.] "Apples and Oranges: A Comparison," by Scott Sandford. It is generally understood that apples and oranges cannot be compared. However, spectrographic analysis of a Granny Smith apple and a Sunkist navel orange reveals that apples and oranges are in fact quite similar. [Includes chart of infrared transmission spectra, and a photograph.] --see: AIR, vol. 1, no. 3, May/June 1995, pp. 2-3. "Cafeteria Review: Blackford Hall, Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory," by Karen Hopkin. [This is the first in a series of reviews of cafeterias at the world's great research institutes. Quality and trendiness are rated on a scale from i (the square root of -1) to pi (with a numerical value of 3.141592...), where i signifies that the food is of good quality only in your imagination and pi signifies it is widely accepted as delicious.] Cold Spring geneticist Michael Hengartner says this cafeteria is "the best place for miles around. Actually, it's the only place for miles around." The food has a taste that diners find to be "subtle, sort of." [Includes 2 photographs and a helpful ratings chart.] --see: AIR, vol. 1, no. 3, May/June 1995, pp. 16-17. "Evolutionary Relationships Among Cheeses," by Benjamin Waggoner. Cladistic analysis of modern cheeses shows a close affinity between velveetids and cheddaroids, with mozzarelloids as a sister taxon to both. Careful application of these and other techniques makes it possible, even with limited fossil data, to fill in basic patterns of cheese evolution through time. [Includes a table of cheeses and their characteristics, and a two-dimensional cladogram of eight cheese taxa.] --see: AIR, vol. 1, no. 3, May/June 1995, pp. 6-7. "Nobel Thoughts: Dudley Herschbach," interview by Marc Abrahams. The Nobel chemistry laureate discusses poets, scarfs, shoes and chemistry. [Includes a photograph, a Herschbach poem/drawing, and two students' poems, one of which appears in section 1995-06-14 below.] --see: AIR, vol. 1, no. 3, May/June 1995, pp. 8-10. These full articles, and much more, are published in AIR. The next issue (July/Aug) will be a special issue on the topics of Paleontology and Summer. We invite you to subscribe and thus become a certifiable AIRhead. ----------------------------------------------------------------- 1995-06-04 Kato Disclaimers 1. None of the testimony presented at the O.J. Simpson trial has yet been prepared, endorsed or encouraged by the Annals of Improbable Research. 2. Press reports to the contrary, Kato Kaelin is not an AIRhead. Mr. Kaelin is in no way affiliated with The Annals of Improbable Research. Nor, as of this printing, is Mr. Kaelin yet a subscriber to The Annals of Improbable Research. 3. In answer to reader GA's inquiry: The gentleman who has been seen prominently reading a copy of The Annals of Improbable Research in the fourth row at the Simpson trial is not in our employ. 4. In answer to reader SA's inquiry: The logo for the "AIRhead Legal Review" column in The Annals of Improbable Research is not based on Judge Ito. The resemblance is remarkable yet merely coincidental. ----------------------------------------------------------------- 1995-06-05 Sumatran Interlude, and a Change of AIR Why, many of you have asked, were there no April and May issues of mini-AIR (and why is the June issue coming out in July)? Arthur Conan Doyle, writing about Sherlock Holmes, once alluded to the Giant Rat of Sumatra, "a tale for which the world is not yet prepared." It is perhaps heartening, at least from a literary point of view, that one hundred years later such sagas are still occurring. Originally, we licensed certain rights (circulation and distribution) to an inexperienced, but apparently supportive, publisher. We were wrong about the supportiveness. In recent months we have heard about the unexpected adventures some of you had with that publisher. We, being discreet and shy (and AIRheads) will be sparing with the details of our own unexpected and perilous adventure with same. Henceforth, AIR will be lovingly published by us AIRheads. OUR NEW ADDRESS IS LISTED IN SECTION 1995-06-20 BELOW. Please pass the word. If you are an AIR subscriber who encountered problems with the former publisher, please get in touch and we will try to set things aright. And if you do not yet subscribe to AIR, please become an official AIRhead! ------------------------------------------------ 1995-06-06 Ig Nobel & Ear Mites at Harvard Skulduggery there hath been. A tiny number of individuals tried to kill the Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony. They did not succeed. We are happy to announce that, by invitation of Nobel Laureates (and AIR editorial board members) Herschbach, Lipscomb and Glashow, the 1995 Ig ceremony will take place at Harvard University, on or about October 5. The keynote address will be delivered by Robert Lopez, on the topic "Dare to Be Bold." Dr. Lopez won a 1994 Ig Nobel Prize for the experiments in which he placed cat ear mites into his own ear. Anyone who would like to help organize the ceremony please email us at marca@wilson.harvard.edu ------------------------------------------------ 1995-06-07 Top Quark Tour Highlights They are strange. They are charming. From Top to Bottom, our world-wide traveling exhibition of Top Quarks & Friends (from the Fermilab collection) has been drawing rave reviews. We are happy to announce that ticket prices have been reduced, thanks to the unexpectedly large run of spectators. Thrill as you infer that the Top Quarks decay before your eyes -- in most cases before you even reach your seat. Every ticketholder receives a coupon redeemable for 40 million (!) free electrons, paradoxically delivered by the estimable Erwin the cat (Aye, there's the rub). A revised schedule of the remaining tour dates will be announced as soon as we receive the shipment of revised-formula formaldehyde plasma which will (the manufacturer promises us) enable us to preserve and mount the specimens. [NOTE: a related letter appears below in section 1995-06-11] ------------------------------------- 1995-06-08 Thin and Fat-Tailed Perpetuities [We strongly urge all AIRheads to attend the pair of lectures described here.] Professor C. Goldie of QMW London was scheduled to speak at Oxford University on June 13, 1995, at 3:30-4:00 p.m. on the topic "Thin and fat-tailed perpetuities." It was also planned that mmediately afterwards, Dr. S. Jacka was to speak about "Doob-like inequalities via optimal stopping." This is part of a Midlands Probability Seminar. For more info, contact Dr. J.E. Kennedy at kennedy@stats.ox.ac.uk The telephone number is Oxford (2)72596 (This information was announced in the Oxford University Gazette (April 27, 1995, no. 4361, vol.125). Thanks to Kate Morse for bringing it to our attention. We would welcome reports anyone who attended these talks.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995-06-09 Garden Pest [The following communication may be of special interest to teachers and students of theoretical gardening.] Sirs: I read with great interest your article (in mini-AIR 1994-03) concerning Washington Post columnist Jack Eden's life work on the mating of millipedes. I thought that you should know that he is far more versatile than you imply. For example, some of his research projects have resulted in the following stunning conclusions: 1. That the main contaminant of ground water is sediment. 2. That the plant material lignin is an enzyme. 3. That mulch will hurt a plant unless it is treated to make it water repellent (the idea is that it is necessary for the water to travel through the mulch without sticking to it, I guess). 4. That during the month of February ONLY, if the rays of the just-setting sun fall on the trunk of a tree, it will raise the internal temperature under that area of bark enough to damage or kill the tissue. 5. That it is damaging to the lawn and garden to water it after 10:00 in the morning, in particular during the summer months. I am sure that Mr. Eden has contributed greatly to our understanding of exactly how gardening can become a true science. Dick Wrathall, Biology Department American University,Washington, DC ------------------------------------------------------------------ 1995-06-10 Romanian mini-AIR A Romanian edition of mini-AIR is now in the planning stages. Entitled mini-AIR-R, it will be co-edited by AIR editorial board member Traian Mihaescu and his colleague Henri Luchian. Interested readers are directed to inquire at mihaescu@uaic.ro ----------------------------------------------- 1995-06-11 AIR Vents -- Exhalations from our readers WRETCHING DOG INQUIRY I am curious about the "wretching dogs" mentioned in AIR 1:2. Are these wretched dogs that retch, or does retching make them wretched? --David W. Bullock, Centre for Molecular Biology, Lincoln University, Canterbury, New Zealand THEORETICAL PACKAGING I have solved the problem (mentioned in mini-AIR 1995-03) of how to preserve the Top Quarks that are part of the Fermilab collection. Put them in a Klein bottle. --Dan Hughes ---------------------------------------------------------- 1995-06-12 AIRhead Project 2000: preliminary results As announced in mini-AIR 1994-02-03 (June, 1994), we are compiling a list of studies, projects, and products that involve the number two thousand. Randomly selected items from the list include: ITEM 903-F (submitted by investigator Lew Brubacher) "Optimal Drug Therapy Project 2000" - a one-day conference held May 24, 1995 in Toronto, co-sponsored by the Pharmaceutical Manufacturers Association of Canada. ITEM 906-T (submitted by Investigator Dewitt M.) "Special Places 2000" - An attempt by the Alberta, Canada, Goverment to set aside significant natural areas and grade them into 5 levels of protection. ITEM 909-T (submitted by investigator David A. Henry) "Plant-It 2000" -- An organization dedicated to planting as many trees as possible by the year 2000. Plant-It 2000 was founded by singer/composer John Denver. ITEM 914-C (submitted by investigator dsawdai) "Baker PRS-2000" - A VLSI-grade solvent designed to strip positive photo-resist off of wafers during IC fabrication ITEM 915-BN (Submitted by investigator Ron Josephson) "O. Cedar 2000" - Various toilet and sink brushes. Available at KMart and other scientific equipment stores. ITEM 925-Y (submitted by investigator Jussi Karlgren) "Officer 2000" -- A concept employed as part of the Swedish Army's officer college curriculum. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1995-06-13 May We Recommend... Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to those which appear in AIR itself.) "Dopamine D4 Receptors: Curiouser and Curiouser," by Philip G. Strange, "Trends in Pharmacological Sciences," vol. 15, no. 9, Sept. 1994, p. 317. (Thanks to Doug Waud for bringig Dr. Strange's curious work to our attention.) "Sodefrin: A Female-Attracting Peptide Pheromone in Newt Cloacal Glands," by S. Kikuyama, F. Toyoda, Y. Ohmiya, K. Matsuda, S. Tanaka, H. Hyyashi, "Science," vol. 267, March 17, 1995, p. 1643. (Thanks to W. Zhou for bringing this to our attention.) ----------------------------------------------------------- 1995-06-14 AIRhead Student Poetry [This is the first occurrence of a new feature in AIR and mini- AIR. AIR will publish brief poems, and mini-AIR exceedingly brief poems, by students of all ages and talents.] We invite all students to submit their own AIRhead poetry. Extract from "A Critical Analysis of King Henry V and the Chemical Relationships of Henry's Laws," by Vipul Patel, Harvard College. We few, we happy few, we band of chemists; For he that blows his gas with me Shall be a chemist; be he ne'er so gentle. This day shall vile his condition; And students in Harvard, now a-bed, Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here; And hold their Vapor pressures low, whilst any burps That drank with us this Chem test day. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1995-06-15 AIRhead Events 1995 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY, Harvard Thurs, Oct 5 (approx.) Exact date and location to be announced. INTERSOCIETY POLYMER CONFERENCE Tues, Oct 10 Keynote address / improbable research seminar / slide show. Stouffer Harborplace Hotel, Baltimore, MD Info: (518) 387-7942 FROSTBURG STATE (Maryland) Thurs,October 19 Seminar/slide show on "Advances in Improbable Research." Exact date to be announced. [Anyone wishing to host AIRhead events elsewhere in the greater Pittsburg area that week please contact AIR's editor.] FOLIO CONFERENCE, Hilton Hotel, New York City Thurs, Oct 26 AIRhead lecture/slide show for magazine editors and publishers on the topic "Camshafts, Beer, and Cindy Crawford: How to Make a Dull Topic Irresistable." Info: John Nelson, American Society of Business Press Editors, 708-889-4141 AIRHEADS ON TV: Several times a month, AIR's editor and authors present AIRhead science reports on ABC's World News Now. Call local ABC-TV affiliate for dates and times. *** If you would like to host an improbable research seminar / slide show please get in touch with us. --------------------------------------------------------------- 1995-06-16 Calls for Papers CALL FOR research papers for an interdisciplinary study of wax: candle, floor, ear, leg, bees, turtle, fruit, hot, cold, etc. Please do not send biological samples. E-mail entries to BOURBAKI@NEU.EDU CALL FOR NOMINATIONS for the 1995 Ig Nobel Prizes. Prizes are awarded for achievements that cannot or should not be reproduced. Nominations may be submitted, anonymously or otherwise, by e-mail or by standard mail. Please include documentation. --------------------------------------------------------------- 1995-06-17 WHAT IS AIR? (*) The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) is a splendidly subversive science humor magazine produced by the entire former editorial staff (1955-1994) of "The Journal of Irreproducible Results" and by other research scientists and other AIRheads from around the world. AIR's co-founders are Marc Abrahams, who edited the Journal from 1990-1994, and Alexander Kohn, who co-founded the Journal in 1955 and was its editor until 1989. The editorial board consists of more than 40 distinguished scientists from around the world including seven Nobel Laureates and a convicted felon. Each October, AIR produces the Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, honoring people whose achievements "cannot or should not be reproduced." -------------------------------------- 1995-06-18 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) Amaze your colleagues. Delight your friends. Impress yourself. Subscribe to The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)! Put more AIR in the lab, the classroom, the office, the waiting room, the library, the living room, the restroom, ...the detention center. And it makes a lovely gift of the most unexpected kind. 6 issues per year. Highly enriched, yet contains no cholesterol. ============================================== Rates (in US dollars) USA 1 year - $19.95 2 years - $34.95 Canada/Mexico 1 year - $27 2 years - $45 Overseas 1 year - $40 2 years - $70 Send payment (US funds or international money order, please) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853 Cambridge, MA 02238 USA [We are not yet set up to process credit card orders, but we are working on it.] --------------------------- 1995-06-19 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) mini-AIR is an monthly electronic newsletter of overflow tidbits from The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). It is available over the Internet, free of charge. To subscribe, send a brief E- mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) --------------------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve issue 95-00003, send this message: GET MINI-AIR 95-00003 ::::: Hot AIR, our home page, is undergoing major reconstruction and is moving to a new site (yes, this too, is spillover from the Giant Rat of Sumatra affair). Details will be announced soon. ::::: AIR extracts on USENET The USENET newsgroup clari.feature.imprb_research presents a syndicated weekly column of reports extracted from The Annals of Improbable Research. [NOTE: This is available only if your Internet site subscribes to the Clarinet newsgroups.] --------------------------- 1995-06-20 Our Address The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853 Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 GENERAL INFO: info@improb.com EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com [NOTE: Our home page is under reconstruction. When it is ready, the new URL will be announced in mini-AIR.] PLEASE include your Internet address in printed correspondence. --------------------------- 1995-06-21 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1995, The Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) WWW EDITOR/CLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@mit.edu) COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITORS: Mark Dionne, Jane Patrick CO-CONSPIRATORS: Nicki Sorel, Gary Dryfoos RANDOMLY CHOSEN CO-CONSPIRATOR OF THE MONTH: Tatiana Divens AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow & William Lipscomb SPECIAL THANKS TO: Jerry Lotto, Jeff Bronski, Noel Hart and Hobart Braden ============================================================ IMPORTANT -- The Annals of Improbable Research is IN NO WAY associated with the name "The Journal of Irreproducible Results" or with its publisher. ============================================================