PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1996-02 February, 1996 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1996-02-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1996-02-01 Table of Contents 1996-02-02 mini-Housekeeping Items 1996-02-03 Alluring Abstracts from AIR 2:2 1996-02-04 Mastodon, Mom, Babe -- the Tale Continues 1996-02-05 Paranormal Spoon Incident 1996-02-06 PGP-Y 1996-02-07 Association for the Advancement of Improbable Research 1996-02-08 Mouse Paper 1996-02-09 Valentines Bust 1996-02-10 AIRhead Project 2000 1996-02-11 May We Recommend... 1996-02-12 AIRhead Events 1996-02-13 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) 1996-02-14 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) 1996-02-15 The Ig Nobel Video(*) 1996-02-16 Our Address (*) 1996-02-17 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1996-02-02 mini-Housekeeping Items 1. FLIGHT: If you plan to attend the special AIR seminar Sunday night, Feb 11 at the AAAS annual meeting in Baltimore, please don't forget to bring paper airplanes. 2. STUDMUFFINS: The Studmuffins of Science Project hereby officially announces that it is accepting self-nominations for inclusion in next year's calendar. Please send your qualifications to scistuds@aol.com 4. CALIFORNIA: If you would like to host an AIR event in California in April, please get in touch with us at marca@wilson.harvard.edu SOON! 5. SCAN: Do you have a scanner, live near Cambridge and want to be an AIR volunteer? Call us! 6. MUNCH: Nominations are coming in apace for our Global Village Deli project. Keep em coming, please. 6. WONDER: Yes, AIRheads are available to show to the '95 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony video (1 hour long) at Boston area schools and research, medical or technical facilities. 7. SAINT: Our apologies and gratitude to the understanding UMass Boston faculty member whose telephone number was mistakenly printed (via a transposition of digits) on the AIR subscription renewal notices. The correct number is 617-491-4437. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1996-02-03 Alluring Abstracts from AIR 2:2 AIR is a subversively educational print journal. The articles in AIR are longer, more visual, and more xeroxible than the tiny tidbits we publish in mini-AIR. Your career and personal life will benefit from it when you subscribe, no doubt. AIR vol. 2, no. 2, the March/April 1996 issue, will be our annual Swimsuit Issue. In addition to the kinds of photographs you might expect (and the perky, cool narrative accompanying them), the issue also contains many less delights with a less intellectual cast. A few of the highlights: "In Search of the Holy Grail," by Steve Nadis. The author examines some of the many Holy Grails that have been described in phsysics, chemistry, biology, medicine, etc., etc., etc. The result is a study in ubiquity. Prior to this report, the Grail was believed to be a unique item. "Biblio-Obesity," by Erika Love. The author examines the relationship between (a) the weight of medical textbooks for various specialties and (b) the projected incomes associated with each specialty. NOBEL INTERVIEW: William Lipscomb discusses boron atoms and the method of Sherlock Holmes. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1996-02-04 Mastodon, Mom, Babe -- the Tale Continues Last month we presented the first two chapters in the stirring tale of the mastodon, the mother and her babe. Reader Nancy White began the story, and AIR editorial board member Miriam Bloom composed the sequel. Since then, others have taken up pen and pressed down keyboard to continue the tale. Here are several of their efforts cobbled together. When last we left the hunting ground, mom had just mistakenly slungshot her babe at the massive, hairy beast of prey... The babe that went flying turned calm Despite flying flung far from her mom. But she wasn't in trance, Was just loading her pants, To besmirch the big beast with a bomb! --Spencer Wright To the mastodons mouth, the babe flew, and in its surprise it then threw- up, as babes often will, Its whole dinner, like swill, and this made the poor mastodon spew. --Peter Thorp The poor airborne infant crash landed 'Tween the tusks of the mastodon, stranded. The hunters soon tracked her But failed to extract 'er (This Pleisotcene group was short-handed). --Heather M. Hewitt The beast with the baby embedded Must therefore be quickly beheaded. But to climb o'er the trunk Put the group in a funk; Lo, those tusks and the task were both dreaded! --Miriam Bloom It is entirely possible that next month we will present some alternative histories of the babe, her mom and the mastodon. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-02-05 Paranormal Spoon Incident In the last issue of mini-AIR, we offered, free of charge, to test any reader who wished to know if he or she has paranormal powers. Testees were instructed to sit in a quiet corner and mentally send us their names and addresses. Alas, we had to terminate the testing program after readers in England and Israel reported a rash of bent spoons and then mentally lodged police complaints against us. We are now engaged in extra-cognitively presenting evidence to demonstrate that, whatever is bent or twisted, it is not the spoons. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-02-06 PGP-Y Our paranormal testing program has already had one commercial spin-off. Our engineers have developed a truly foolproof data security protocol. It is called PGP-Y -- "Pretty Good Parasychology." The mechanism is simple. You imagine that you have transmitted data to someone; that person then imagines that he has received it. Using PGP-Y, any type of information can be transmitted over the Internet with complete security. The key is that the data is transmitted high over the net -- so high that the data actually travels above the net rather than within it. The data is transmitted telepathically (and for those who distrust electronic funds, we also have a scheme for transmitting cash and gold plate telekinetically.) ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-02-07 Association for the Advancement of Improbable Research A name has been chosen for the council of improbable researchers. Readers sent in over a hundred possible monikers (or, as one reader called them, "minikers"). The organization's official name is, and henceforth shall be, The Association for the Advancement of Improbable Research. The short version is AAIR. AAIR will (perhaps) have Official Members in every laboratory, department and broom closet on earth. They will have shadowy duties and will be very important. Beginning next month we will ask members to inform us of their presence, and we will compile a directory in Hot AIR, our trendoid home page. This month we are soliciting a brave long-term volunteer who has good, perhaps even anal, organizational skills and a modicum of free time. The position in question is that of Secretary General of the Association for the Advancement of Improbable Research. This stalwart person, if chosen from the many who are expected to apply for this nearly thankless yet unmeasurably glorious post, will coordinate the AAIR membership list, disseminate special missives to the members on occasion, and listen patiently to the personal problems of AAIR members. All coordination will be done electronically over the Internet, a futuristic communications network of networks that, we are told, will one day revolutionize something or other. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1996-02-08 Mouse Paper Following the release of our Mouse Report in mini-AIR 1995-14, the commodities markets have run wild. Five-year study demonstrated that the best item to use as a computer mouse pad is a pad of paper. (Traditionally, computer mouse pads have been made from plastic or rubber.) During the past two months, as a result of our report, several of the major paper companies have raised their prices on mouse-quality paper. We will continue to report the details of this exciting story. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1996-02-09 Valentines Bust Just in time for your Valentine's Day dining pleasure, a gentleman named Dr. Blanton Cantellier of L'Institute d'Amour de Paris has developed a new method for slicing artichoke hearts into neat, tidy pieces without in any way peeling or cutting away the outer portions of the artichokes. Details were unavailable as mini-AIR went to press, but rest assured: we will continue to report on this heart breaking story. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1996-02-10 AIRhead Project 2000 As announced in mini-AIR 1994-02-03 (June, 1994), we are compiling a list of studies, projects, and products that involve the number two thousand. The following items were randomly selected: ITEM #6246 (submitted by investigator Richard W. Lipp) "Vision 2000," A program of long range planning and growth for the United Methodist Church. ITEM #12707 (Thanks to investigator Tim Becker for bringing this and the following item to our attention) "Kebab House 2000," a Turkish diner in Cologne, Germany. ITEM #64093 "Make it Funky 2000," a song from James Brown's album "Universal James." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-02-11 May We Recommend... Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to the many which appear in AIR itself.) "This dead parrot is difunto," J. Hooper, "Australian Veterinary Journal," vol. 69, no. 1, 1992, pp. 24 ff. (Thanks to investigator Wendy Cooper for bringing this and the next citation to our attention.) "The surgeon and the worm," P.E Sauer, C.E. Murdock Jr, J.H. Erwin and H.S.J.Walker, "Archives of Surgery," vol. 97, no. 4, 1968, pp. 595-600. "On the problem of oscillatory walk of automatic washing machines," D.C. Conrad, W.L. Cleghorn, and R.G. Fenton, "Journal of Sound and Vibration," vol. 188, no. 3, Dec. 7, 1995, p. 301. (Thanks to investigator David J. Goldfarb for bringing this to our attention.) [Correction: last month we reported an incorrect journal title. The correct citation is: "Survey of quality of used frying oils from restaurants," Hassan A. Al-Kahtani, "Journal of the American Oil Chemists Society," vol. 68, no. 11, Nov. 1991, pp. 857-62. Thanks to investigator J. White and to AIR lead researcher Michael Rissinger for rectifying the error.] ------------------------------------------------------------ 1996-02-12 AIRhead Events [The most current version of this list can always be obtained by sending e-mail to INFO@IMPROB.COM] If you would like to host an improbable research event, show please send e-mail to marca@wilson.harvard.edu. AAAS ANNUAL MEETING, Baltimore Sun evening, Feb 11 7:45pm-9:30pm, Constellation Ballroom F, Hyatt, 2nd floor Several of AIR's most distinguished authors will present their research on: "The Taxonomy of Barney" (Earle Spamer) "Analysis of DNA Cologne" (Jon Marks) "Studmuffins of Science" (Karen Hopkin) "Risk Assessment of Abduction by Aliens" (Len Finegold) "The Ig Nobel Prizes" (Marc Abrahams) and other topics, at a special evening session of the world's largest science meeting. FOLIO CONFERENCE, Los Angeles April 24, 1996 "Camshafts, Cindy Crawford and Beer: How to Make a Dull Topic Interesting." The session is open only to conference registerees. ==> PLEASE NOTE: Anyone in the LA or SF areas who would like to host other AIRhead events during late April please e-mail marca@wilson.harvard.edu soon! MIT CLUB, Schenectady, NY June (exact date to be announced) This is the event that was snowed out in December. Current odds are 6-1 against another snowstorm, 2-1 against torrential rain. For info: Wendy Gilman (gilmanw@sysadm.suny.edu) (518) 443-5180 1996 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY, Harvard University Thurs Oct 3 Tickets will go on sale in September From time to time AIRhead news reports and commentary appear on ABC Television's "World News Now" and Public Radio's "Living on Earth." -------------------------------------- 1996-02-13 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) Amaze your colleagues. Delight your friends. Impress yourself. Subscribe to The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)! "AIR is one of the finest contributions to western civilization.... AIR exposes the soft underbelly of science -- and gives it a damn good tickling.... You can't afford to be left out." -"Wired" magazine ============================================== Rates (in US dollars) USA 1 year - $19.95 2 years - $34.95 Canada/Mexico 1 year - $27 2 years - $45 Overseas 1 year - $40 2 years - $70 [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the US, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover cards) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX: 617-661-0927 air@improb.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1996-02-14 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) mini-AIR is an monthly electronic newsletter of overflow tidbits from The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). It is available over the Internet, free of charge. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) --------------------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706 ::::: AIR extracts on USENET The USENET newsgroup clari.feature.imprb_research presents a syndicated weekly column of reports extracted from The Annals of Improbable Research. [NOTE: This is available only if your Internet site subscribes to the Clarinet newsgroups.] [ANOTHER NOTE: If you would like to have the print version of the column appear in your campus newspaper, please e-mail marca@wilson.harvard.edu] ----------------------------------------------------- 1996-02-15 The Ig Nobel Video(*) The hour-long improbable video of the 1995 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony is available (in standard US home video format only). Yes, it is magnificent, and technically flawed in memorable ways. The price is $19.95. Please add $5 shipping handling in the US, $10 in other countries. (Massachusetts residents please add 5% sales tax.) --------------------------- 1996-02-16 Our Address (*) The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu GENERAL INFO (supplied automatically): info@improb.com SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com URL: http://www.improb.com/ We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a SASE in all printed correspondence. --------------------------- 1996-02-17 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1996, The Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@leland.stanford.edu) http:/www.improb.com/ COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITORS: Mark Dionne, Jane Patrick CO-CONSPIRATORS: Michael Rissinger, Steve Anderson, Gary Dryfoos, Greg Kinney, Deb Kreuze, Nicki Sorel, Mark Taylor MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow & William Lipscomb ============================================================