PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1996-03 March, 1996 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1996-03-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1996-03-01 Table of Contents 1996-03-02 mini-Housekeeping Items 1996-03-03 More Alluring Abstracts from AIR 2:2 1996-03-04 The Persistence of Aliens 1996-03-06 PGP-Y Ill Advised 1996-03-06 Barney in a Jar 1996-03-07 The Mouse Paper Chronicles 1996-03-08 ANNOUNCING: The Sneaky Science Teacher Contest 1996-03-09 AIR Teacher's Guide 1996-03-10 Year of the Rat: Sino-American Political Science 1996-03-11 Hot AIR (Home Page) News Flashes 1996-03-12 Grail Holy Crusader 1996-03-13 AIRhead Project 2000 1996-03-14 Blather 2000 Conference 1996-03-15 May We Recommend... 1996-03-16 AIRhead Events 1996-03-17 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) 1996-03-18 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) 1996-03-19 The Ig Nobel Video(*) 1996-03-20 Our Address (*) 1996-03-21 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1996-03-02 mini-Housekeeping Items 1. CALIFORNIA: The Improbable AIR California Tour is fast approaching. If you would like to host an AIR event in California in late April, please get in touch with us ASAP at marca@wilson.harvard.edu 2. PRODUCTIVITY: We invite you to submit research papers (no speculative essays, please) on the topic of Productivity, for possible inclusion in AIR's special Productivity issue. 3. AAIR: Preparations are proceeding (in a manner known as "apace") for creating the Association for the Advancement of Improbable Research (AAIR). The main mechanism for joining AAIR and finding fellow AAIR members will be via HOT AIR (http://www.improb.com), our trendoid, award-winning home page. For other Hot AIR news, see section 1996-03-11 below. 4. SPAM: One of our colleagues is seeking anyone who has studied SPAM, for a book concerning all aspects of this 1992 Ig Nobel Prize-winning luncheon meat. Send papers and/or leads to: Carolyn Wyman, 15 Crescent St., Middletown, CT 06457 or cwyman@delphi.com, or call/fax 860-346-2636. 5. THE HUB: Check out AIR's site on THE HUB, a major new entertainment, comedy and science area starting on America Online. Sign on to AOL and go to keyword: HUB; then to "The Other News." ---------------------------------------------------------- 1996-03-03 More Alluring Abstracts from AIR 2:2 AIR is a subversively educational print journal. The articles in AIR are longer, more visual, and more xeroxible than the tiny tidbits we publish in mini-AIR. Your career and personal life will benefit from it when you subscribe, no doubt. As mentioned last month, AIR vol. 2, no. 2, the March/April 1996 issue, is our annual Swimsuit Issue. Other highlights include: "How to Review a Scientific Paper," by Edgar Reiger. The author presents a handy, foolproof seven-point guide. "Everything You Know is Wrong: Statistics and Medical Research," by Mark Hauswald and Dan Tandberg. "Schedule of Upcoming UFO Sightings" "Evolutionary Perspectives on the Common Mongrel," by Nick Kim. (first of a 4-part series). "Mondocentrism," by George Englebretson. The author explains how his team of experts amassed proof once and for all that the earth is the center of the universe. "Cindy Crawford Discovers Breakfast." Our columnist Alice Shirrell Kaswell reports on this and other findings culled from the research journal "Cosmopolitan." "End Results." A new regular column of genuine "conclusive findings from the medical literature. "Boys Will Be Boys." A new regular column of genuine "research by and for adolescent males of all ages and sexes." ------------------------------------------------------------ 1996-03-04 The Persistence of Aliens AIR's editor was recently invited to join a live televised discussion on the subject of kidnappings committed by extraterrestrial beings. Upon arriving at the studio, our editor found that the discussion was to be between him and a gentleman named Eric. Eric is the attorney for Dr. John Mack, the Harvard Medical School psychiatrist who received a 1993 Ig Nobel Prize in Psychology "for his theory that people who believe they have been kidnapped by aliens from outer space probably have." Eric told (or perhaps more accurately -- demanded of) our editor that "You should tell all the scientists to do research on this." Our editor finds it interesting that Eric apparently sees The Annals of Improbable Research as the best and most authoritative voice of the science community. Respect breeds respect, and thus we pass Eric's request on to you, with the hope that you will treat it as seriously as the situation warrants. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-03-05 PGP-Y Ill Advised Reader Andrew Rock has been investigating our foolproof data security protocol, PGP-Y (Pretty Good Parasychology). He intuited this missive to us: "You were ill-advised to release the details of your PGP-Y -- "Pretty Good Parapsychology" protocol on an international mailing list such as mini_AIR. US law prohibits the export of such highly secure transmission technology, defining it as munitions. Your proposal must await government-approved key espcrow [sic] systems rumoured to be under consideration by the NSA. The approved systems will prohibit the possession or transmission of ideas beyond the imagination of government officers. Please do not carelessly put the publication of AIR at risk while I have nearly two years left on my subscription." Investigator Trevor Green and a large team at the University of Saskatchewan have also been laboring in the field. Green reports: "After an initial trial period of PGP-Y within our department, we have had some disappointing initial results. While the transmission rate is nothing short of paraphenomenal, the security mechanism is, alas, not wholly foolproof -- everything worked fine, until my friend Steve started imagining that he was intercepting the telepathically-transmitted data. We are sure that this technical loophole may be overcome but wish to alert your paranormal engineers to the oversight. Meanwhile, I am pleased to report that the credit-card fraud charges against Steve will be settled out of court." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-03-06 Barney in a Jar Thanks to those of you who attended the special AIR session at the American Association for the Advancement of Science annual meeting in Baltimore. One highlight was the dramatic presentation of a newly discovered species of Barney (the dinosaur-like hominid pretendosaurus barneyi). Investigators Earle Spamer and Ed Theriot of the Academy of Natural Science (in Philadelphia) have captured a specimen of what they believe to be an aquatic Barney. They preserved it in formaldehyde and brought it to Baltimore for the AAAS meeting. The Barney specimen is now back in Philadelphia at the Academy of Natural Sciences, where it can be seen by school groups and others. Visits must be arranged in advance by calling Spamer or Theriot at 215-299-1000. A second specimen will be exhibited during the upcoming AIR California Tour. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-03-07 The Mouse Paper Chronicles In response to our continuing reports about mouse paper, reader Darius Thabit reports that his research group finds that the pad of paper must be turned upside-down; that the rougher cardboard backing works best. However, this is at variance with the findings from AIR's research facility at Harvard University. Repeated trials show that the paper, not the cardboard backing, provides better mouseball traction. Reader Michael Hamilton has pursued an entirely different line of research: "After graduating from Moscow Senior High School (Moscow Idaho) in the spring of '93 I trudged off to a small dorm room at Reed College in Portland Oregon to set up my new computer. Unfortunately I was without any type of mousepad. After trying several items randomly chosen from around the room (pillows, shoes, etc...), I hit upon what I believe to be the ultimate mousepad, my high school graduation cap. Since then I have obtained a more conventional mouse pad, but I continue to use the cap most of the time." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-03-08 ANNOUNCING: The Sneaky Science Teacher Contest In the spirit of the AIR teacher's Guide (see the next section), we announce the Sneaky Science Teacher Contest. The object is to describe your best underhanded, sneaky, seductive technique for getting kids (and adults) interested in science. This is an essay contest (150 words max -- and yes, you can include photos if you like). If you win, you will receive: 1. A year's subscription to AIR for your school library; 2. A copy of AIR's Special Ig Nobel Prize Issue autographed by Nobel Laureate Sheldon Glashow; 3. Eternal enmity from many, many "educators"; and 4. Eternal gratitude and admiration from kids, parents, teachers and others who enjoy curiousity and learning. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1996-03-09 AIR Teacher's Guide Due to popular demand, from time to time we reprint in mini-AIR the Teacher's Guide that appears in every issue of The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). Here it is again: * * * Three out of five teachers agree: curiosity is a dangerous thing, especially in students. If you are one of the other two teachers, AIR and mini-AIR can be powerful tools. Choose your favorite hAIR-raising article and give copies to your students. The approach is simple. The scientist thinks that he (or she, or whatever), of all people, has discovered something about how the universe behaves. So: * Is this scientist right -- and what does "right" mean, anyway? * Can you think of even one different explanation that works as well or better? * Did the test really, really, truly, unquestionably, completely test what the author thought he was testing? * Is the scientist ruthlessly honest with himself about how well his idea explains everything, or could he be suffering from wishful thinking? Kids are naturally good scientists. Help them stay that way. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-03-10 Year of the Rat: Sino-American Political Science Investigator Ron Josephson of Washington, DC has compiled this table of the Chinese birth years of US presidents. The data is available here for anyone who has a use for it. Note that the Chinese calendar runs in a 12 year cycle, so US presidents can only be elected in the years of the rat, the dragon, or the monkey. Until the time of F. D. Roosevelt, inaugurations were held on March 20, in the next Chinese year (ox, snake, and rooster, respectively). During FDR's term in office, inaugurations were changed to January 20, which is usually still in the same Chinese year as the presidential election (we make this assumption for the table). The reader may decide what is the significance of the table on a particular president's administration. For example, several wars (War of 1812, Mexican War, WWI, WWII, Vietnam, and Gulf War) broke out after a president was elected in the year of the dragon. Additionally, James Monroe, Andrew Jackson, and Teddy Roosevelt, who all had a "dragon" election, were famous for saber rattling. Some presidents elected in the year of the monkey have experienced major scandals in their administrations. Year Chinese year President Chinese year Elected Inaugurated 1788 Monkey Washington Rooster 1792 Rat Washington Ox 1796 Dragon John Adams(2) Snake 1800 Monkey Jefferson Rooster 1804 Rat Jefferson Ox 1808 Dragon Madison Snake 1812 Monkey Madison Rooster 1816 Rat Monroe Ox 1820 Dragon Monroe Snake 1824 Monkey John Q.Adams(2) Rooster 1828 Rat Jackson Ox 1832 Dragon Jackson Snake 1836 Monkey VanBuren Rooster 1840 Rat W.H.Harrison(1) Ox 1844 Dragon Polk Snake 1848 Monkey Taylor(1) Rooster 1852 Rat Pierce Ox 1856 Dragon J.Buchanan Snake 1860 Monkey Lincoln Rooster 1864 Rat Lincoln(1) Ox 1868 Dragon Grant Snake 1872 Monkey Grant Rooster 1876 Rat Hayes(2) Ox 1880 Dragon Garfield(1) Snake 1884 Monkey Cleveland Rooster 1888 Rat B.Harrison Ox 1892 Dragon Cleveland Snake 1896 Monkey McKinley Rooster 1900 Rat McKinley(1) Ox 1904 Dragon T.Roosevelt Snake 1908 Monkey Taft Rooster 1912 Rat Wilson Ox 1916 Dragon Wilson Snake 1920 Monkey Harding(1) Rooster 1924 Rat Coolidge Ox 1928 Dragon Hoover Snake 1932 Monkey F.D.Roosevelt Rooster 1936 Rat F.D.Roosevelt Rat 1940 Dragon F.D.Roosevelt Dragon 1944 Monkey F.D.Roosevelt(1) Monkey 1948 Rat Truman Rat 1952 Dragon Eisenhower Dragon 1956 Monkey Eisenhower Monkey 1960 Rat Kennedy(1) Rat 1964 Dragon L.B.Johnson Dragon 1968 Monkey Nixon Monkey 1972 Rat Nixon(1) Rat 1976 Dragon Carter Dragon 1980 Monkey Reagan Monkey 1984 Rat Reagan Rat 1988 Dragon Bush Dragon 1992 Monkey Clinton Monkey 1996 Rat ???? Rat Notes: 1. President did not serve full term due to death or resignation. 2. Winner of disputed election ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-03-11 Hot AIR (Home Page) News Flashes [If you don't give a hoot about the web, just read the first two micro-items in this mini-section.] 1. WON'T SUE MICROSOFT: Several readers have commented on the resemblance between MicroSoft's Windows '95 logo and marilyn**4, a colorful Warhol-ish rendering of AIR editorial board member Marilyn vos Savant, which can be found in the Factory AIR section of HotAIR (http://www.improb.com). Far from being a parody of the Microsoft logo, marilyn**4 actually predates it by almost a year. After careful consultation with legal, financial and schlock art experts, HotAIR webmaster Amy Gorin has decided not to seek redress. Andy Warhol has thus far not responded to our invitation to comment on the matter. 2. BEEF, BEEF, BEEF: A special AAIR (Association for the Advancement of Improbable Research) section will be appearing later this month or early next. There will also be a much beefed- up (to 2000 psi) section in Hot AIR devoted to AIRhead Project 2000. Vegetarians need not despair -- we plan to use a beefing substitute. 3. GLOBAL WARMING: Hot AIR is getting even hotter. HotAIR is utterly delighted to announce its inclusion in I*Way's listing of the top 500 web sites on the internet. A link to I*Way's hall of fame can be found at the bottom of the HotAIR top level page. 4. CONFUSION OF PROFUSION: A large number of people are maintaining archives of mini-AIR back issues. This is good news, but it apparently is wreaking havoc with various Internet search engines, which are easily confused by multiple improbability. Please be aware that we maintain a full archive as part of the Hot AIR home page. To minimize confusion, if you plan, wish, want, desire or yearn, for some reason, to maintain your own mini-AIR archive, please drop an e-note (or a C-note) to our webmaster at ringo@leland.stanford.edu and let her know. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1996-03-12 Grail Holy Crusader Reader Gareth Penn is crusading in defense of some or all aspects of the true Holy Grail or Grails. He writes: "In reference to Steve Nadis's AIR 2:2 article on the Holy Grail [which you mentioned in mini-AIR], you claim that 'Prior to this report, the Grail was believed to be a unique item.' Let me quote from Roger Sherman Loomis' 'Arthurian literature in the middle ages' (Oxford University Press, 1959), p. 274: '...every student of the Grail romances cannot help being struck most forcefully by the astonishing disharmony, the consistent inconsistency, of those strange narratives.' For example: in the Welsh Peredur, the protagonist is treated to a pageant featuring *a hundred* Grails, each bearing the severed head of a boar. I could go on, but I think you get the idea: there is *no* repeat *no* canonical description, source, purpose, motive, or even number of Grail or Grails. The information you give out is derived from a profound ignorance of medieval literature. Insofar as you purport to be scientific, I think you have betrayed your readers by not informing yourself of the subject about which you publish. The statement, 'Prior to this report, the Grail was believed to be a unique item,' is simply not truthful." ------------------------------------------------------------- 1996-03-13 AIRhead Project 2000 As announced in mini-AIR 1994-02-03 (June, 1994), we are compiling a list of studies, projects, and products that involve the number two thousand. The following items were randomly selected: ITEM HAG-235 (submitted by investigator Duncan Philps-Tate) "Air 2000," a small airline. ITEM HAG-236 (submitted by investigator Mary Haller) "Ulisse 2000," Alitalia's in-flight magazine. ITEM HAG-237 (submitted by researcher Gary Evans) "Eurofighter 2000," a joint UK/Germany/Spain project to develop new fighter aircraft. ITEM HAG-421 (submitted by investigator David Luckett) "Vibromax 2000," a self-propelled road-base compacting machine. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-03-14 Blather 2000 Conference Enough hot air has already been released to make it obvious that Humankind must anticipate accelerating amounts of endless palaver about how New Year's Eve December 31st 1999 isn't REALLY the End of the 20th Century and how January 1st, 2000 isn't REALLY going to be the First Day of the 21st Century. AIR will sponsor a conference on "Blather 2000 -- Strategies to Avoid the Pedantry." We will bring together the World's Leading Thinkers to debate and make one big announcement about what the deal is, put their statement into a widely-publicized Web Page, and then ask the second-rate usage pundits, congenital columnists, and other emitters of Sound 'n' Fury (TM) to just Shut Up About It. If you have anything to say on the matter -- anything that hasn't already been said -- please direct it to the Blather 2000 Conference chairman, Dr. Y. Foo ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-03-15 May We Recommend... Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to the many which appear in AIR itself.) "Avalanche dynamics in a pile of rice," V.Frette, K.Christensen, P.Meakin, "Nature," vol. 379, no. 6560, p. 49. (Thanks to investigator Gene Kleppinger for bringing this to our attention.) "Partitioning behavior and off-flavor thresholds in cookies from plastic packaging film printing ink compounds," G.W. Halek, "Journal of Food Science," vol. 53, no. 6, Nov. 1, 1988, p. 1806. (Thanks to investigator Donal Lyons for bringing this to our attention.) "Retching: its causes and management in prosthetic practice," M.J. Faigenblum, "British Dental Journal," vol. 125, pp. 485-90. (Thanks to investigator Curt Anderson for bringing this to our attention.) "Salivary Testosterone Levels in Left and Right Handed Adults," S.D. Moffat, E. Hampson, "Neuropsychologia," vol. 34, no. 3, Mar. 4, 1996, pp. 225-33. (Thanks to investigator Maureen E Bronson for bringing this to our attention.) "The Size of p-Branes," I. R. Klebanov and L. Thorlacius. This is a physics preprint available on the World Wide Web at http://xxx.lanl.gov/abs/hep-th/9510200 The authors point out something familiar to many readers: that the 1-brane (the D-instanton) exhibits point-like behavior, and in fact is saturated by a single dilaton tadpole graph. (Thanks to investigator Jeff Masten for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1996-03-16 AIRhead Events The most current version of this list can always be obtained by sending e-mail to INFO@IMPROB.COM If you would like to host an improbable research event, show please send e-mail to marca@wilson.harvard.edu FOLIO CONFERENCE, Los Angeles April 24, 1996 "Camshafts, Cindy Crawford and Beer: How to Make a Dull Topic Interesting." The session is open only to conference registerees. ==> PLEASE NOTE: The schedule for the Improbable AIR California Tour will be announced in the April mini-AIR. Anyone in the LA, SD or SF areas who would like to host AIRhead events during late April please e-mail marca@wilson.harvard.edu ASAP! MIT CLUB, Schenectady, NY June (exact date to be announced) This is the event that was snowed out in December. Current odds are 16-1 against another snowstorm, 2-1 against torrential rain. For info: Wendy Gilman (gilmanw@sysadm.suny.edu) (518) 443-5180 1996 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY, Harvard University Thurs Oct 3 Tickets will go on sale in September NORTHEAST ASSN FOR INSTITUTIONAL RESEARCH (NAIR) Sun, Nov 17 Princeton, NJ. For info: Brenda Bretz (bretz@dickinson.edu) 717-245-1316 From time to time AIRhead news reports and commentary appear on ABC Television's "World News Now" and Public Radio's "Living on Earth." -------------------------------------- 1996-03-17 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) Amaze your colleagues. Delight your friends. Impress yourself. Subscribe to The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)! "AIR is one of the finest contributions to western civilization.... AIR exposes the soft underbelly of science -- and gives it a damn good tickling.... You can't afford to be left out." -"Wired" magazine ============================================== Rates (in US dollars) USA 1 year - $19.95 2 years - $34.95 Canada/Mexico 1 year - $27 2 years - $45 Overseas 1 year - $40 2 years - $70 [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the US, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover cards) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX: 617-661-0927 air@improb.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1996-03-18 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) mini-AIR is an monthly electronic newsletter of overflow tidbits from The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). It is available over the Internet, free of charge. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) --------------------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706 ::::: AIR extracts on USENET The USENET newsgroup clari.tw.columns.imprb_research presents a syndicated weekly column of reports extracted from The Annals of Improbable Research. [NOTE: This is available only if your Internet site subscribes to the Clarinet newsgroups.] [ANOTHER NOTE: If you would like to have the print version of the column appear in your campus newspaper, please e-mail marca@wilson.harvard.edu] ----------------------------------------------------- 1996-03-19 The Ig Nobel Video(*) The hour-long improbable video of the 1995 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony is available (in standard US home video format only). Yes, it is magnificent, and technically flawed in memorable ways. The price is $19.95. Please add $5 shipping handling in the US, $10 in other countries. (Massachusetts residents please add 5% sales tax.) --------------------------- 1996-03-20 Our Address (*) The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu GENERAL INFO (supplied automatically): info@improb.com SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com URL: http://www.improb.com/ We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a SASE in all printed correspondence. --------------------------- 1996-03-21 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1996, The Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@leland.stanford.edu) http:/www.improb.com/ COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITORS: Mark Dionne, Jane Patrick CO-CONSPIRATORS: Michael Rissinger, Steve Anderson, Gary Dryfoos, Greg Kinney, Deb Kreuze, Nicki Sorel, Mark Taylor MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow & William Lipscomb ============================================================