PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1996-04 April, 1996 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1996-04-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1996-04-01 Table of Contents 1996-04-02 mini-Housekeeping Items 1996-04-03 Alluring Abstracts from AIR 2:3 1996-04-04 Numbers Racket 1996-04-05 Cracker Jack Campaign 1996-04-06 Calling All Librarians 1996-04-07 Yearning for the Stars: This year's Ig Nobel Wannabe 1996-04-08 Clever Teachers, Not Sneaky Teachers 1996-04-09 Defective Quarks 1996-04-10 Genuine Genuinely Odd Units Project 1996-04-11 Woody Allen: a Nostradamus for Our Times 1996-04-12 Presidential Chinese Birth Year Snafu 1996-04-13 Hot AIR (Home Page) On the Rise 1996-04-14 Mouse Paper Chronicles: The Role of Ford 1996-04-15 AIRhead Project 2000 1996-04-16 May We Recommend... 1996-04-17 Recommended Reference Materials 1996-04-18 AIRhead Events 1996-04-19 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) 1996-04-20 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) 1996-04-21 Our Address (*) 1996-04-22 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1996-04-02 mini-Housekeeping Items 1. CALIFORNIA AIRHEAD SCHEDULE: The schedule of AIRhead California Tour events (Apr 24-May 2) is in section 1996-04-18 below. [For late updates to the schedule, send e-mail to info@improb.com] 2. COMPUTER IMPROBABILY: We are happy to report that a new column of computer-related humor, concocted by the editors of AIR, is now appearing exclusively in the formerly staid magazine "Datamation." You can get a free subscription to Datamation by calling 800-637- 6072. 3. INTERNMENT: AIR is (always) looking for brave volunteers to help with all aspects of the magazine. If you are in the Cambridge area and are properly foolhardy, please get in touch! (If you would like to sell ads for the Ig Nobel ceremony program, please get in touch ASAP!) ---------------------------------------------------------- 1996-04-03 Alluring Abstracts from AIR 2:3 AIR is a subversively educational print journal. The articles in AIR are longer, more visual, and more xeroxible than the tiny tidbits we publish in mini-AIR. Your career and personal life will benefit from it when you subscribe, no doubt. AIR vol. 2, no. 3, the May/June 1996 issue, includes a useless free Survey Form that you will find utterly useful. Other highlights include: "Ask Symmetra," a new regular feature, in which scientist/supermodel Symmetra (who is an MIT graduate), dispenses advice. A memorable photo of Symmetra stretching in her laboratory graces, enhances and defines the cover of this special issue of AIR. We expect it to become a collector's item. [NOTE: the photo will also appear fairly soon in our home page.] "Improbable Lack of Irreproducibility in a Dodge Dart," by Len X. Finegold. The author reports on a curious phenomenon: his 1971 Dodge Dart's consistent, sustained linear yearly drop in gas mileage. "Do People Answer Surveys?" by T. Robbins and A. Salti. In this public opinion survey, we asked people the single question: "Do you answer public opinion surveys?" The results are striking. "Cafeteria Review: The Carnegie Mellon Faculty Cafeteria," by Stephen Drew. This detailed report is a cautionary, if utterly true, tale for anyone who is now, or ever will be, in the environs of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. This and other deliciously indigestible reports will appear in their full glory in issue 2:3 of AIR, a publication to which all the best people, and many of the worst, subscribe. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-04-04 Numbers Racket We now know that one of history's greatest arch-criminals got his start as a mathematician. His career was an extraordinary one. He was a man of good birth and excellent education, endowed by nature with a phenomenal mathematical faculty. At the age of twenty-one he wrote a treatise upon the binomial theorem, which has had a European vogue. On the strength of it he won the mathematical chair at one of our smaller universities, and had, to all appearances, a most brilliant career before him. But the man had hereditary tendencies of the most diabolical kind. A criminal strain ran in his blood, which, instead of being modified, was increased and rendered infinitely more dangerous by his extraordinary mental powers. We speak, of course, of the late, unlamented Professor Moriarty. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-04-05 Cracker Jack Campaign Like everyone connected with science, the editors of The Annals of Improbable Research grew up with Cracker Jacks, the moderately edible snack food with a toy surprise in every box. We have been carefully monitoring the state of Cracker Jacks. The situation is not a happy one. Whereas in the past many of the prizes were nifty plastic toys, some of which had moving parts AND were intriguing to assemble, the prizes these days are hardly worth calling prizes. Most of them are sappy little stick-on or rub-off slogans which make reference to a movie or to some other product that we presumably should go and spend money on. This degradation of prizes is a threat to the future of basic science and technology research. Without good Cracker Jacks prizes to yearn for and play with, children will no longer want to grow up to be scientists and engineers. We urge you to take action. Save the future of science. Write a pleading letter to: Chief Operating Airhead Cracker Jacks Division Borden, Inc. Columbus, OH 43215 The little slogan on the side of each Cracker Jacks box says "If it's Borden -- it's got to be good." Please remind Borden of their vow. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-04-06 Calling All Librarians We would like to compile a list of all libraries that subscribe to AIR. The list will be maintained in our home page so that anyone who wants to find a nearby source of improbable reserach news will be able to find one. If your library subscribes to AIR, please drop us a note at marca@wilson.harvard.edu [If you also supply us with the URL of your library's home page, we will include a link from our listing.] ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-04-07 Yearning for the Stars: This year's Ig Nobel Wannabe Last year an animal rights activist group tried to claim that it was giving out Ig Nobel Prizes (see mini-AIR 1995-01). Now a man in Illinois is proclaiming that he will be giving out an Ig Nobel Prize. If you hear of any other groups or individuals that plan to give out Ig Nobel Prizes, please drop us a line. We will then invite all these people to a party (organized at their own expense) at which they can gather and chew both the fat and each other. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-04-08 Clever Teachers, Not Sneaky Teachers Several science teachers have informed us that they would endanger their careers if they were to win something called "The Sneaky Science Teacher Contest." Therefore, we are renaming the contest. We hereby announce the Most Clever Science Teacher Contest. The object is to describe your best clever, underhanded and yes -- sneaky -- technique for getting kids (and adults) interested in science. This is an essay contest (150 words max -- and yes, you can include photos if you like). If you win, you will receive: 1. A year's subscription to AIR for your school library; 2. A copy of AIR's Special Ig Nobel Prize Issue autographed by Nobel Laureate Sheldon Glashow; 3. Eternal enmity from many, many "educators"; and 4. Eternal gratitude and admiration from kids, parents, teachers and others who enjoy curiousity and learning. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1996-04-09 Defective Quarks We have received word that defective quarks (our informant calls them "Joycean, not Gell-Mannian") are being distributed in Switzerland. Until and unless the report is verified, and until someone figures out what this means, we urge caution and discourage panic. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1996-04-10 Genuine Genuinely Odd Units Project We are compiling a list of odd but genuine units of measurement. The project was inspired by the perhaps apocryphal unit used in the garbage industry: the Hoffa. If you have know of a genuine genuinely odd unit of measurement -- AND CAN DOCUMENT IT -- please mail or fax the documentation to: Genuine Genuinely Odd Units Project Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853 Cambridge MA 02228 USA FAX:617-661-0927 (If yuo would like acknowledgment that we received the documentation, please include your e-mail address.) ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-04-11 Woody Allen: a Nostradamus for Our Times In the movie "Sleeper," Woody Allen and Diane Keaton laughed, from their vantage point in the far future, at how foolish the twentieth century was not to realize the beneficial value of junk food. Thanks to researchers Lillian M. Ingster and Manning Feinleib of the National Center for Health Statistics, we now know that Allen and Keaton were correct. Ingster and Feinleib's much heralded recent report says that junk food may be a major contributing factor to the 30-year decline in the percentage of deaths attributed to heart problems. The reason, they say, is that many artifical flavors contain salicyates - chemicals related to aspirin - and aspirin is known to reduce heart attacks. We encourage researchers in all fields to examine other Woody Allen movies for additional prescient messages. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-04-12 Presidential Chinese Birth Year Snafu Many readers recognized that a statistical column in the last issue was mislabeled. Reader Edward Borasky perhaps put it best: "Too bad -- I was really looking forward to seeing the distribution of birthyears mod 12 of the Presidents. I suppose I can dig through the almanac for it myself. But then it wouldn't be irreproducible or even improbable. On a lighter note, were you aware that Lotus 1-2-3, Release 2.4, at least the version burned into the ROM of my HP100LX Palmtop PC, believes that 1900 was a leap year and that there was a 29-Feb-00? Sad, but true. Improbable but reproducible." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-04-13 Hot AIR (Home Page) On the Rise The all-volunteer international corps of Hot Air technopersons (Bravo to them and long may they live!) has been hard at work adding beef (non-British), mutton, stout, melanin and other popular items to our home page. Henceforth, you can expect to see significant smatterings of new material in Hot AIR every few weeks (this will eventually increase to every few days). Other items may disappear before your very eyes. Science will be on the march and in the swim. A few highlights: the Ig Nobel Prize archives; condensed articles and pre-digested photos from AIR (the magazine, that "magnificent beast of a rag"); (soon!) a burgeoning AIRhead 2000 archive; the Hall of Bearded Men; etc.; etc.; and et cetera. Check it out every now and again. Hot AIR is at http://www.improb.com ------------------------------------------------------------- 1996-04-14 Mouse Paper Chronicles: The Role of Ford Investigator Frank J. Nice [his genuine name] sent in this report in reference concerning our ongoing investigations of Mouse Paper: "This is to inform you that I, personally, and my cat, Ford, animally, have been involved in mousepad research in my garage at home. I sent Ford out to the garage, and he waited patiently, sometimes for hours, to perform his part of the research. At the peak of his research participation, he killed six mice. To preserve the parts of the mice that we needed for the research, his research method was to rake the abdomens of his victims with his claws and not eat his kills, thus preseving, of course, the mouse pads of the mice. Thus, we felt we had obtained what we believed to be the ultimate mousepads--mouse pads. Sadly, we have to report that the mouse pads were not functional due to the number that would be required and the operation necessary to join all these tiny mouse pads into one functional mousepad. Ford is of course saddened that he will not be the first cat to be listed as an author on a research paper." ------------------------------------------------------------- 1996-04-15 AIRhead Project 2000 As announced in mini-AIR 1994-02-03 (June, 1994), we are compiling a list of studies, projects, and products that involve the number two thousand. The following items were randomly selected: ITEM MF-101 (submitted by investigator Jim Stone) "WEDDING 2000 MEGASEMINAR," a seminar in which nine professional wedding photographers will gather in Washington DC and communicate by satellite with photographers in 77 cities throughout North America on Sunday, April 28. For details call 800-445-0492. The receptionist answers with a pleasantly enunciated "Wedding 2000!" ITEM WWWWW-202020202 (submitted by more than 20 investigators) "WOMEN 2000," a professional development conference to be held on May 4, sponsored by Simmons College and featuring O.J. Simpson prosecutor Marcia Clark and humorist Jeane Kirkpatrick. ITEM BG-45 (submitted by investigator Julia Ihlenfeldt) "BOS 2000," the "newest, most modern, and clearly the most sophisticated Blood Opeations System in any Blood Center in the World." It was designed by The Blood Center and Anderson Consulting. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1996-04-16 May We Recommend... Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to the many which appear in AIR itself.) "Taste Preference for Brussels Sprouts: An Informal Look," John Trinkaus and Karen Dennis, "Psychological Reports," vol 69, no. 3, partt 2, Special Issue, Dec 1991, pp. 1165-1166. (Thanks to investigator Daniel Friedman for bringing this to our attention.) The abstract reads in part:"Conducted an inquiry of the taste preference of 442 baccalaureate business students for brussels sprouts. Results reveal about a 50% dislike of the vegetable, a 40% indifference, and a 10% liking." "The tale of the screaming hairy armadillo, the guinea pig and the marginal value theorum," M.H.Cassini, A.Kacelnik and E.T.Segura, "Animal Behaviour," vol. 39, no. 6, 1990, pp. 1030-50. (Thanks to intrepid investigator Wendy Cooper for bringing this to our attention.) "Nuts Have No Hair," Walter Simon, "Classical and Quantum Gravity," vol. 12, L125, 1995. (Thanks to investigator Simon Jones for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1996-04-17 Recommended Reference Materials Publishers send us a large number of purportedly serious and amusing books, videotapes, CDs, etc., presumably viewing us as an inexpensive trash disposal service. However, a very few of the items do turn out to be worth owning. From time to time we list the genuinely valuable cream of the crop. "The Sizesaurus," Stephen Strauss, Kodansha, New York, 1995. A wonderful and funny compendium, history, guide and story book about measurements, why they exist, what they mean, and how they are used. "American Sex Machines," Hoag Levins, Adams, Holbrook, MA, 1996. An excruciating history of sex-related patents on file with the US Patent Office. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1996-04-18 AIRhead Events The most current version of this list can always be obtained by sending e-mail to INFO@IMPROB.COM If you would like to host an improbable research event, please send e-mail to marca@wilson.harvard.edu AMERICAN SOCIETY OF BUSINESS PRESS EDITORS FOLIO CONFERENCE Century Plaza Hotel, Los Angeles April 24, 1996, 2:30 "Camshafts, Cindy Crawford and Beer: How to Make a Dull Topic Interesting." [PLEASE NOTE: This session is open only to conference registerees.] ==> PLEASE NOTE: To check for andy late updates to this schedule send e-mail to our automatic-reply address: info@improb.com UCLA Wed Apr 24, 7:00 pm Room 1457 in the Law building, which is near the northeast corner of campus. Info: Eugene Volokh (310) 206-392 THE SOCIETY OF FELLOWS THE SCRIPPS RESEARCH INSTITUTE Fri Apr 26, 4:30 pm Timken Amphitheater in the Green Hospital Info: Cindy Fisher (619) 554-9796 CITY CLUB OF SAN DIEGO Sat Apr 27, 9 am This morning event is sponsored by the City Club, but it will be held AT THE PRINCESS RESORT. It is open to one and all, but please call in advance to reserve seats: 619-687-3580 SAN DIEGO NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM Sun Apr 28, 4:30 pm Info: 619-232-3821 UC DAVIS Mon Apr 29, noon The Mee Room of the Memorial Union. Info: Carol Cruzan Morton 916-752-7704 STANFORD UNIV. Tues, Apr 30, 7:30 pm Terman Auditorium, Terman Engineering Center, School of Engineering. Info: Michele Armstrong (415) 723-1655 UC SANTA CRUZ Thurs May 2, 7:30 pm Stevenson College room 150. This evening session will be open to everyone. (There will be a separate afternoon event for students in the science journalism program.) Info: Christina Brown 408-459-4475 MIT CLUB, Schenectady, NY June (exact date to be announced) This is the event that was snowed out in December. Current odds are 16-1 against another snowstorm, 2-1 against torrential rain. For info: Wendy Gilman (gilmanw@sysadm.suny.edu) (518) 443-5180 1996 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY, Harvard University Thurs Oct 3 Tickets for delegations and individuals will go on sale in September. NORTHEAST ASSN FOR INSTITUTIONAL RESEARCH (NAIR) Sun, Nov 17 Princeton, NJ. For info: Brenda Bretz (bretz@dickinson.edu) 717-245-1316 From time to time AIRhead news reports and commentary appear on: ABC Television's "World News Now" Public Radio's "Living on Earth." ELSEWHERE ON THE NET: * Our home page ("Hot AIR") is at http:///www.improb.com * AOL subscribers can see selected AIR articles by signing on, then going to keyword "IMPROB" * If your Internet provider subscribes to the Clarinet newsgroups, you can read a special weekly column of extracts from AIR. -------------------------------------- 1996-04-19 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) Amaze your colleagues. Delight your friends. Impress yourself. Subscribe to The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)! "AIR is one of the finest contributions to western civilization.... AIR exposes the soft underbelly of science -- and gives it a damn good tickling.... You can't afford to be left out." -"Wired" magazine ============================================== Rates (in US dollars) USA 1 year - $19.95 2 years - $34.95 Canada/Mexico 1 year - $27 2 years - $45 Overseas 1 year - $40 2 years - $70 [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the US, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover cards) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX: 617-661-0927 air@improb.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1996-04-20 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) mini-AIR is an monthly electronic newsletter of overflow tidbits from The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). It is available over the Internet, free of charge. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) --------------------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706 ::::: AIR extracts on USENET The USENET newsgroup clari.tw.columns.imprb_research presents a syndicated weekly column of reports extracted from The Annals of Improbable Research. [NOTE: This is available only if your Internet site subscribes to the Clarinet newsgroups.] [ANOTHER NOTE: If you would like to have the print version of the column appear in your campus newspaper, please e-mail marca@wilson.harvard.edu] ----------------------------------------------------- 1996-04-21 Our Address (*) The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu GENERAL INFO (supplied automatically): info@improb.com SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com URL: http://www.improb.com/ We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a SASE in all printed correspondence. --------------------------- 1996-04-22 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1996, The Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@leland.stanford.edu) http:/www.improb.com/ COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CHIEF RESEARCH LIBRARIAN: Michael Rissinger CO-CONSPIRATORS: Steve Anderson, Gary Dryfoos, Greg Kinney, Deb Kreuze, Nicki Sorel, Mark Taylor MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow & William Lipscomb ============================================================