PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1997-04 April, 1997 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1997-04-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1997-04-01 Table of Contents 1997-04-02 mini-Houskeeping Notes 1997-04-03 What's New in AIR 1997-04-04 Looking for Mr. Universal Axis 1997-04-05 Advice for Researchers 1997-04-06 AIR Vents: Chocolate Fiend; Sheep Enthusiasts 1997-04-07 A Confusing Disclaimer 1997-04-08 An Unusually Sharp Unit of Measurement 1997-04-09 Still More Scientists in the Sunset 1997-04-10 Insidious Teaching Tool 1997-04-11 Interlingual Universal History (IRISH, ETC) 1997-04-12 Love Amidst the Textbooks 1997-04-13 Chair Enhancement Prize: Biology 1997-04-14 Scientific Correctness Survey: Cosmic Kidnapping 1997-04-15 AIRhead Project 2000 1997-04-16 May We Recommend 1997-04-17 AIRhead Events 1997-04-18 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1997-04-19 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1997-04-20 Our Address (*) 1997-04-21 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-02 mini-Housekeeping Notes 1. If you are going to the INTERNATIONAL SCIENCE FAIR in Louisville, Kentucky in early May, come see one of the special AIR "shop talk" sessions (see events schedule below for details.) 2. Announcing the AIR TOUR OF AMERICA. Ta da, etc. This October, November and December AIR's editors and writers will be inflicting slide show/seminars on the general and specific populace in the Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Washington, Chicago, Seattle and San Francisco areas, and elsewhere. If you would like to host an event please get in touch with us at 3. PRESS ALERT: Next month we will have a special press conference to mark the founding of HMO Black, our new Health Maintenance Organzation (HMO) that will be the *very final word* in health care. Date and details will be announced in the May mini-AIR. (Press contact: ) ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-03 What's New in AIR Here are some alluring abstracts from the next issue of The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). Volume 3, number 3 (the May/June 97 issue) of AIR is a special Managed Health Care Issue. It features our soon-to-be classic editorial about managed health care... and... and... and... tells how you can join our new Health Maintenance Organization: HMO Black. Never again will you have to manage your own health or your finances -- HMO Black's staff of MD/MBAs will make all your decisions for you. Other features in the issue include: "Safe Nosepicking," by Mike Dubik and Brian Wood. An illustrated guide to the proper use of finger condoms. [NOTE: HMO Black and other health care providers make finger condoms available to members at reduced cost.] "CT Scanning -- A Public Health Hazard?" by Scott I. Levine. The author examined patient records before and after CT scanning. He discovered that patients have far more cases of fracture, hematoma, concussion, etc., afterwards than they did before undergoing this supposedly "harmless" diagnostic procedure. "Nobel Thoughts: Edwin Krebs," by Marc Abrahams. An interview with Nobel Laureate Krebs explains the relationship between scientists and neckties. Krebs also tells his personal experience with gunpowder. "Family Trees for Clones," by Erno Listerhijj, Erno Listerhijj, Erno Listerhijj, et al. In the near future, human cloning will be a reality. This definitive illustrated guide shows genealogists how to prepare family trees for clones. And much, much more... Full text and illustrations of these and many other articles and citations appear in the May/June issue of AIR. [mini-AIR, which you are reading at this moment, is a tiny *supplement* to what's in the print publication. As always, we urge you to subscribe to the real thing -- and to submit your own research and images for publication.] ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-04 Looking for Mr. Universal Axis "Our observational data suggest that there is a mysterious axis, a kind of cosmological North Star, that orients the universe," says John Ralston, who together with Borge Nodland has just published a paper about it in the research journal "Physical Review Letters." Inevitably, many people will now claim to be that center of the universe. Please help us identify the individual(s) around whom the universe truly does revolve. We are looking for Mr. Universal Axis. Mr. Universal Axis can be identified by the muscleboundedness of his head. (And no, the title "Mr." does not necessarily convey gender.) Send your nomination to . ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-05 Advice for Researchers Here are some useful bits of advice for researchers. They were devised or plagiarized by three of AIR's most experienced editorial board members. From Earle Spamer, Academy of Natural Sciences, Philadelphia: 1. Stare out a window frequently; it inspires thoughtfulness among others. 2. Doze only when looking through a microscope; no one will know. 3. Lend only dry pens to those who ask to borrow one; eventually, they will leave you alone altogether. 4. Fungal colonies in coffee cups DO constitute science experiments. 5. Start practicing now to write the date with "2000" for the year. 6. Young researchers should practice their Nobel acceptance speeches early in their careers; but leave the subject area blank for now. 7. Always keep a tie in your desk for emergencies (this applies to men, mostly). 8. Don't keep a stethoscope in your white lab coat pocket unless you are actually in the medical profession. 9. Smile a lot; it makes others nervous. From Wendy Cooper, Australian National University, Canberra: 1. Alwys use teh speling cheker. 2. Don't take naps in the lab. 3. Wear nothing under your lab coat. 4. Be nice to experimental animals -- nobody has been able to disprove reincarnation. From Leonard Finegold, Drexel University, Philadelphia: 1. My mother used to tell me to never repeat an experiment (lest I get a different result). ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-06 AIR Vents: Chocolate Fiend; Sheep Enthusiasts Researcher Gary Ash of Tasmania writes in reference to our chocolate survey: "Your question 'Is chocolate an aphrodisiac?' was somewhat ill- informed. The reality is that sex is a substitute for chocolate." Inquisitive Dick Baker writes in reference to our intelligence survey: "You say that: 40% of the respondents rated physics folks as most intelligent. 15% chose mathematicians. Chemistry and biology were tied in second place with 6%. May I presume that you've by now had second -- or possibly fourth - -- thoughts about this formulation?" Researcher Oren Cheyette writes: "Concerning your recent note on investigator Jim Propp's coherent beam of sheep (mini-AIR, March), my friend Rick Ratowsky pointed out that it could be used to make ultra high-precision measurements of the Lamb shift. On a related subject, researcher John Pettigrew of New Zealand writes: "Propp has not yet settled on a proper name for his sheep-laser technique. Propp says that 'Livestock Amplification through ...' is as far as he has gotten. May I offer either 'Livestock Amplification through Biologically Adroit Aberrations' or, from a different point of view: 'Livestock Amplification through Blatantly Abnormal Artifacts.'" Propp responds: "John Pettigrew's suggestion looks good, though I think I'd make it 'Barnyard Animal Amplification through Biologically Adroit Aberrations.'" Finally, investigator Ben Haller recommends: "Livestock Amplification through ... ...Stimulated Emission of Rams ...Sinister Enhancements to Reproduction ...Scottish Engineering and Research" ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-07 A Confusing Disclaimer THIS IS AN OFFICIAL DISCLAIMER. This concerns events that took place immediately following an AIR slide show/seminar earlier this month in a major US city north of Washington and south of Boston. It seems that a physics talk (on the subject of glueballs) was being given upstairs in the same building. A number of people looking for the AIR talk mistakenly went to the wrong room and were, in some cases, condescendingly told where they should go. This apparently inspired several of these people to take some unusual actions: 1. We disclaim all responsibility for the attractive young woman who, after the conclusion of the AIR talk, took the specimen jar from our lecture (the jar contained a specimen of Barney preserved in formaldehyde) and carried it into the other meeting room, holding it above her head and asking "Is this the right room?" 2. Nor are we responsible for the ultra-hip young gentleman who immediately thereafter took that same specimen jar, walked into that same room, and attempted, unsuccessfully, to ask that same question. 3. Finally, we are in no way responsible for the sweet, grandmotherly, somewhat confused-looking woman who subsequently took that specimen jar into that room and said, "They told me to bring this in here." The glueball people sent the poor woman packing; we are in no way responsible for their behavior. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-08 An Unusually Sharp Unit of Measurement From amidst a rising tide of "unusual unit" reports, this month we pluck one from investigator Ian Lowrie: "Surely everyone over the age of forty-mumble remembers the 'gillette.' In the olden days, (the early/mid '60's), when no one was sure what lasers were to be used for, their power was expressed in terms of the number of razor-blades that could be punctured by the radiation from such a device. Hence the use of a famous brand-name. Unfortunately I have no documentation, but remember seeing this demonstrated on a popular science show on BBC-TV in the UK." ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-09 Still More Scientists in the Sunset Here are further reports of love-dazed scientists galloping into sunsets. From researcher Brewer, John: "There is a Jimmy Stewart movie from the early 50's entitled "No Highway in the Sky." Although he is nominally an aircraft engineer rather than a physicist, his (highly accurate) theory of metal fatigue involves "atomic fission." [This is based on the Nevil Shute novel.] As for riding off into the sunset, much of the action takes place on an overnight flight from Great Britain to Newfoundland in a rather poorly designed aircraft christened the "Reindeer." The most interesting aspect is that his character ends up having to choose between the movie star (Marlene Dietrich) and the stewardess (Glynnis Johns, the mother in Mary Poppins). In the end, he opts for the stewardess." Researcher Terry McTigue: "1. The TV show "Friends": the character Ross is a paleontologist who is an insecure studmuffin. What is it with paleontologists, though? Why are they getting the good press here lately? 2. The "Ghostbuster" movies: I know this is pushing the definition of scientist, but any movie that gives you a line like "Back off, man. I'm a scientist." has *got* to get a mention." Researcher Peter Harrison: "My Microbiology professor was last seen by anyone in his class riding across the university campus on a bicycle clutching a keg of beer having just told us of his plans to work for the Russians developing human specific anthrax. Really! I can even supply witnesses." ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-10 Insidious Teaching Tool Chris Thyberg has devised an insidious teaching tool. Thyberg is is Director of the Computing Skills Workshop (CSW) at Carnegie Mellon University. "CSW is a required computer competency course (you can learn more about us at www.csw.cmu.edu/online). With your kind permission, and published acknowledgment, I would love to use AIR and mini-AIR papers and data as raw materials for the mastery tests we give in word processing and spreadsheets. Not only are these delightfully off-beat, they include all the academic trappings. That allows us to set tasks for our students that are fun, but do exercise all the skills with Word and Excel that they need in 'real' courses because the format is in fact so scholarly. (Students see these exams only with CMU userID and password, plus enrollment in CSW. So we will not be rebroadcasting at large.)" This plan has AIR's wholehearted approval. Other schools are welcome to do the same; please just check in with us first at . ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-11 Interlingual Universal History (IRISH, ETC.) The Czech, French, Portuguese, Spanish, and all but three words the of the Irish (the missing words are "deuterium," "virialization," and "extrapolation") versions of Eric Schulman's "The History of the Universe in 200 Words or Less" can be found at http://www.cv.nrao.edu/~eschulma/histcom.html . If you would like to translate the article into other languages, please contact Schulman at . Schulman reports that: "The German version is missing a few words, but I'm told that I will get at least a preliminary version soon. Catalan should be arriving fairly soon. It's been a while since I heard from the people who said that they would translate it into ASL, Danish, Dutch, and Urdu." (The original English version was published in the Jan/Feb 1997 issue of AIR.) ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-12 Love Amidst the Textbooks You have heard the complaint again and again: textbooks are too dull; nobody really reads them. Nobody loves them. The problem is easily solved. Join us in the AIR Campaign for Textbook Improvement ("AIRCTI -- pronounced "AIR kitty"). AIRCTI is simple and elegant: to every cold, emotionless textbook (and what other kind is there?) we will add a love interest. In fields such as physics, math, organic chemistry, and the other physical sciences, the potential gain is obvious. For textbooks in certain of the social sciences, adding a love interest will also provide a modicum of substance where currently there is none. Please send a full citation (name, author(s), publisher, city, publication date) of your favorite textbook, along with a BRIEF description of the proposed love interest to . Please be as explicit as possible, within the bounds of the US Computer Decency Act. (mini-AIR readers outside the US may ignore this constraint; we will arrange that only non-US citizens will read your explicit messages when they arrive here.) ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-13 Chair Enhancement Prize: Biology This month's Chair Enhancement Prize Program is focused on the field of: BIOLOGY. The campaign supplies department chairmen/women/generic-individuals with highly desirable Prizes which they can bestow on especially honor-worthy faculty, students, or others. The program is simple: You send us the name and departmental mailing address of your deserving biology department's chair, and we will send her/him a special presentation copy of AIR. He or she can then personally autograph the copy and make a public persentation to her/his chosen honoree. This is all, of course, a blatantly transparent way to expose more people to a beneficially corrupting dose of AIR. The hazard -- of which we are obligated to warn you, but which your chair is not obligated to mention to the honoree -- is that in some individuals this may induce chronic thinking. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-14 Scientific Correctness Survey: Cosmic Kidnapping We are pleased to announce our SCIENTIFIC CORRECTNESS SURVEY #3. In previous surveys we settled the questions "Did Dinosaurs and Humans live at the same time?" and "Is faster-than-light travel possible?" These definitive answers will considerably simplify the teaching of science, and will also justify much of the science facts that are reported in the general media. It will also cut down considerably on the amount of paper that is wasted on needless debate of scientific questions that could be easily settled by political, religious, or other authoritative fiat. This month's question: QUESTION: Are citizens of earth being kidnapped by aliens from outer space? This survey also has a second part. You may answer it regardless of what you answered in Part A: SUPPLEMENTARY QUESTION: Should we require that schoolchildren be taught to protect themselves against extraterrestrial abductors? Please send your survey answer to ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-15 AIRhead Project 2000 Since June, 1994, we have been compiling a list of everything that has 2000 as part of its name. Here are some items plucked randomly from the collection: ITEM #P609 (submitted by investigator Renate Wesselingh) "FUTUREFIT 2000," a company that advertises itself as "the only company that may legally sell Pyruvate." The company explains that "Pyruvate occurs naturally in a variety of foods including fruits and vegtables." Their slogan is "Lose Weight With Pyruvate." ITEM #2000-2000-41 (submitted by investigator Michel Deschuyteneer) "2000 in 2000," an R&D target project (whatever that means) by SmithKline Beecham. The target goal of the target project is that by the year 2000 the entire development process of a new drug should be achievable in 2000 days. ITEM #24242 (submitted by investigator Jennie McKee) "PREVENT 2000," a 3-day day course offered by the [US] Bureau of Naval Personnel to, among other things, "enhance fleet readiness by reducing alcohol abuse." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-16 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) INTELLECTUAL STATURE ÒNerd Harassment, incentives, school priorities and learning,Ó John H. Bishop, "CAHRS [Cornell Center for Advanced Human Resources Studies] Working Papers," no. 96-09, [working paper #96- 10], 1996, pp. 43-45. (Thanks to Scott McNinch for bringing this to our attention.) NERVOUS NELLYÕS KNUCKLE "Effect of Habitual Knuckle Cracking on Hand Function," J. Castellanos and D. Axelrod, "Annals of the Rheumatic Diseases," vol. 49, no. 5, May, 1990, pp. 308-9. IMMINENTLY SLIPSHOD "The effect of gamma radiation on the ultrastructure of the peel of banana fruits," M.T. Smith, G.J. Strydom, and J. van Staden, "Environ. Exp. Bot.," v. 31, no. 1, 1991, pp. 43-9. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1997-04-17 AIRhead Events ==> Updates of this schedule are available from info@improb.com Want to host an event? E-mail to marca@wilson.harvard.edu STRANGE UNIVERSE some time soon, maybe The strange syndicated television program "Strange Universe" is preparing a report about AIR and the Ig Nobel Prizes, featuring a special lecture by scientist/supermodel Symmetra. The report will perhaps be broadcast some time in April. Call your local TV station for details. AUSTRALIAN SCIENCE FESTIVAL Sunday, April 20 National Convention Centre, Canberra, approx. noon AIR editorial board member Wendy Cooper will present an illustrious, illustrated seminar on improbable research. Info: UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND, College Park Fri, May 2, 4:30 pm Physics Lecture Halls, room 1410. Special interactive (bring paper airplanes) free showing of the video of the full 1996 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony. Sponsored by the UM physics majors. Everyone welcome. INFO: Kelly Price BELS Annual Meeting, Philadelphia, PA Sat, May 3 Special improbable presentation by AIR Ed Board Members Miriam Bloom and Earle Spamer for the Board of Editors in the Life Sciences. INFO: Miriam Bloom SIGMA XI, Louisville, KY Monday, May 12 Seminar/slide show on improbable research and the Ig Nobel Prizes. Info: Lawrence Gettleman INTERNATIONAL SCIENCE FAIR, Louisville, KY Mon & Wed, May 12 and 14 AIR's editor will be one of the many judges, and will also present special improbable research seminar/slide shows at the "Shop Talk" sessions on Monday and Wednesday (9 am-10 am both days). HMO BLACK PRESS CONFERENCE May (date to be announced) Press conference to announce the founding of AIR's revolutionary new managed health care organization. (date/time/location to be announced in the May issue of mini-AIR) SEVENTH FIRST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 9 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go on sale in August. ANNUAL IG NOBEL LECTURES Fri, Oct 10 Harvard University. Lectures by Ig Nobel Laureates and other worthies. AIR Tour of America October-Dec 1997 Schedule to be announced. If you would like to host an event, please email ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-18 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improb.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-19 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny version of AIR -- rather, it is overflow from the real magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706 ----------------------------------------------------- 1997-04-20 Our Address (*) The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu GENERAL INFO (supplied automatically): info@improb.com SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com WORLD WIDE WEB: http://www.improb.com/ We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a SASE in all printed correspondence. From time to time AIRhead news reports and commentary appear on ABC Television's "World News Now" and Public Radio's "Living on Earth." ELSEWHERE ON THE NET: * USENET: a weekly column appears in clari.tw.columns.imprb_research --------------------------- 1997-04-21 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1997, The Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@leland.stanford.edu) http://www.improb.com/ COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Craig Haggart, Deb Kreuze, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================