PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1997-06 June, 1997 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1997-06-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1997-06-01 Table of Contents 1997-06-02 mini-Housekeeping Notes 1997-06-03 What's New in AIR 1997-06-04 On Lava Lamps 1997-06-05 Scientific Correctness: What is Reality? 1997-06-06 Equilibrial Punctuation Reaction 1997-06-07 HMO Black Kickoff Moved to July 1997-06-08 Fink Truss Fiasco 1997-06-09 Chair Enhancement Prize: Archaeology 1997-06-10 AIRhead Project 2000 1997-06-11 Love and Organic Chemistry 1997-06-12 Nattering about Neandertals 1997-06-13 Wombat 2000 Winner 1997-06-14 Wheeled Wombat 1997-06-15 May We Recommend 1997-06-16 AIRhead Events 1997-06-17 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1997-06-18 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1997-06-19 Our Address (*) 1997-06-20 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-02 mini-Housekeeping Notes 1. AIR is always looking for a good research/administrative intern in the Cambridge area. If you are a good intern (non-medical variety), we hope you will come looking for us, too. 2. Does your company, foundation, or rich relative want to help underwrite this year's Ig Nobel Prize ceremony? If so, please do get in touch. 3. As some of you have noticed, a column entitled "Improbable Advances and Retreats in Computing" now appears on the back page of Byte Magazine. It is prepared by us AIRheads, and is the central dispersal site for Project Whacko, our ongoing campaign to help e-junkmailers whack themselves out of existence. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-03 What's New in AIR Here are some alluring abstracts from the next issue of The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). Volume 3, number 4 (the July/August 97 issue) of AIR is the special Peculiar Patent Issue. The cover features a shocking photo by Robert Richard Smith of cloning researchers and features a shocking photo by Robert Richard Smith of cloning researchers. Features (patent-related and otherwise) in the issue include: "The Kokko Collection of Fine Patents." A group of designs for remarkable devices. All were fished from the US Patent office by patent attorney Kent S. Kokko. They include a device that allows hotel patrons to breath through hotel toilets (in case of a smoky fire), a high-speed centrifugal birthing device (which spins the entire mother), and others. The illustrations are memorable. "AIRhead Legal Review," by Howard Zaharoff. This edition of the regular column examines patents for such seemingly unpatentable activities as lifting and for filing, and also delves into one firm's remarkable penchant for trademarking strange hybrid words that include the prefix "cyber." "NOBEL THOUGHTS: Edmond Fischer," by Marc Abrahams. In this intense interview, Nobel laureate Fischer expounds on his controversial views about potatoes. Despite living in Seattle, he also bravely states, for all to see, his indifference for coffee. "Maria Grazia Cucinotta Discovers," by Alice Shirrell Kaswell. In this edition of the regular column, Kaswell digests and analyzes reports from the men's science research journal "GQ." Particular attention is paid to the research career of M.G. Cucinotta, who "GQ" describes as "the sultry Sicilian starlet who was in 'Il Postino,' the chesty enchantress in the white cotton dress who flirted with the film's titular postman by fellating the ball from one of those tabletop soccer games." And much, much more... Full text and illustrations of these and many other articles and citations appear in the May/June issue of AIR. [mini-AIR, which you are reading at this moment, is a tiny *supplement* to what's in the print publication. As always, we urge you to subscribe to the real thing -- and to submit your own research and images for publication.] ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-04 On Lava Lamps Investigator Karen Kreeger is compiling a comprehensive history of scientific research related to lava lamps, for inclusion in a possible book on lava lamp scientific research, for placement in a possible new library in a possible new research institute devoted to the topic. In honor of this subject, and to inspire you, our staff investigator K. Guano Reeves has composed a poem: It's de-light-ful, It's de-lava-ly, It's de lamp. If you have a lava-lamp-related citation from the scientific literature, please send it to us at . ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-05 Scientific Correctness: What is Reality? This month's Scientific Correctness Survey is inspired by the journal "Social Text," the editors of which won last year Ig Nobel Prize in literature for publishing physicist Alan Sokal's hoax article which claimed that reality does not exist. (Yes, we know that the preceding sentence is long and winding, leading, as it does, over hill and dale, through meadow and across stream, up mountain and down waterfall, through tunnel and down avenue, up stairs and across corridor, into bedroom, out window, down fire escape, and into trash can.) SURVEY QUESTION: Does reality exist? Please send your vote to . ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-06 Equilibrial Punctuation Reaction Last month we published a complaint from investigator David Singmaster, who identified himself as a "Professor of Mathematics and Metagrobologist" from Southbank University, London. Professor Singmaster lamented that: "Anyone who studied typing in school knows that you put two spaces after a period in order to improve legibility. Unfortunately, most people who now use word processors have never studied typing!!" Many readers begged to differ (and one beseeched to object to Professor Singmaster's unrestrained use of exclamation marks). Here is a sampling of the anguished reactions to the Singmaster sigh: Investigator Alain Bossavit: "He's right." Investigator Steve Feldgus: "I hate to further nitpick an already nitpicky point, but this kind of thing has always bugged me, and I'm not a big fan of mathematicians anyway. Regarding this fellow's complaint: He is, in fact, quite wrong." Investigator Philip Schuler: "Professor Singmaster confuses typing with typography. Consider these guidelines from Robert Bringhurst's "The Elements of Typographical Style" (Vancouver: Hartley and Marks; 1992), pp.28- 30: 'In the nineteenth century, which was a dark and inflationary age in typography and type design, many compositors were encouraged to stuff extra space between sentences. Generations of twentieth-century typists were then taught to do the same, by hitting the spacebar twice after every period. Your typing as well as your typesetting will benefit from unlearning this quaint Victorian habit.'" Investigator Philip Miller Tate: "I would like to leap to the defence of your august journal in the face of the unwarranted attack on your style from my fellow countryperson, David Singmaster. The point is made quite clearly in "The PC is not a typewriter", authored by your fellow countryperson Robin Williams ((c) 1992 Peachpit Press, Berkeley, CA), where she points out that the use of a double space after a full stop is only necessary when using a typewriter because the legibility of (monospaced) typewriters is generally so poor." Investigator Garry Margolis: "Professor Singmaster has not passed Typography 101 -- this will be recorded in his academic transcript." Investigator Matthew Kirkcaldie: "Sadly, most typists haven't studied typography - the proportional fonts that word processors print in these days have that extra spacing built into the kern tables. Putting two spaces after a full stop in a properly designed font is incorrect; it's only correct in a non-proportional font like Courier (which of course is why typists used to do it)." Investigator David P. Spencer: "I think it more important that most people who _design_ word processors have never studied typing. Most, if not all, completely misunderstand two spaces after a period." Investigator Margetty Coe: "As a former typesetter, I must contradict Mr. Singmaster and exclaim that unfortunately, most people who now use word processors have never studied typesetting! The convention of adding an extra space after a period at the end of a sentence was introduced ONLY because of the limitations of the typewriter. In printing the space devoted to each letter has been attended to with care for centuries, and it is on the basis of these conventions that modern fonts are designed. In short, use two spaces after a period ONLY IF YOUR ARE USING A TYPEWRITER. I am delighted that in its use of post-period single-spacing Mini-AIR has distinguished itself from the hordes of Mathematicians and Metagrobologists out there who are using modern technological devices without proper training." Investigator Carl Maniscalco: "I must point out that there's a very BIG difference between TYPING and TYPESETTING. Almost nobody really types any more; what they're really doing is creating copy to be typeset. If you plan on having whatever you're typing into your word processor turned into a real, printed document, please use only one space after a period. Your friendly neighborhood Mac jockey will bless you for it." Investigator Steven Haddock: "Re the matter of two spaces vs. not-two-spaces, I am looking forward to next month's discussion: 'Anal-retentive' -- hyphenated or not?" Investigator Tom Hawkins: "I expect you will receive a flood of email in response to David Singmaster's complaint. However, I urge readers to be gentle with Prof. Singmaster. His 'Notes on Rubik's "Magic Cube"' was one of the formative influences of my childhood. Indeed, it may even have helped me get where I am today." ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-07 HMO Black Kickoff Moved to July Due to, believe it or not, illness, the starkly gala press conference to announce the founding of HMO Black has been postponed until mid-July (date to be announced soon). HMO Black is our revolutionary and intensely efficient new Health Maintenance Organization based on the lovingly profitable principles of Managed Health Care. Reader Gunther W. Anderson writes to inquire whether HMO Sapiens is a competitor to HMO Black. The answer is no. HMO Sapiens is a wholly developed member of the HMO Black family. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-08 Fink Truss Fiasco Thank you to the several readers who were so inspired by International Fink Truss Day (see last month's mini-AIR for details) that they attempted to ship fink trusses to us. Given that a fink truss is a symmetrical roof truss for large spans, composed of a pair of braced isosceles triangles based on the sloping sides of the upper chord, their apices being joined by a horizontal tie, it is not altogether surprising that the major shipping companies were not fully equipped to deliver the items. It is our understanding that the gift fink trusses are now stuck (in some cases literally) in warehouses on two continents. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-09 Chair Enhancement Prize: Archaeology This month's Chair Enhancement Prize Program is focused on the field of: Archaeology. The campaign supplies department chair- individuals with highly desirable cheapo Prizes which they can bestow on especially honor-worthy faculty, students, or others. The program is simple: You send us the name and departmental mailing address of your deserving department chair, and we will send her/him a copy of AIR --and a special Certificate of Existence-- suitable for presentation to somebody or other. HEATED NOTE: There was an unfortunate typo in last month's chair prize announcement: > This month's Chair Enhancement Prize Program is focused on the > field of: ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING. ... > You send us the name and departmental mailing address of your > deserving biology department's chair, and we will send Investigator Miriam Bloom remarks, "Oh my! The biology chair is getting the prize of the electric chair!" Our apologies to all concerned. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-10 AIRhead Project 2000 Since June, 1994, we have been compiling a list of everything that has 2000 as part of its name. Here are some items plucked randomly from the collection: ITEM PREGO-34059 (submitted by investigator Michael A. Jordan) "Grazie 2000," a San Francisco restaurant on Columbus Ave near the corner of Beach Blanket Babylon Blvd. ITEM CANT-TELL-YOU-29384 (submitted by investigator Joe Heinrich) "Origin2000," an apparently secret product from Silicon Graphics. ITEM FREEZEDRY-012 (submitted by investigator Keith Tomazi) "Virtis Benchmark 2000," a lyophilizer. NOTE: Our home page (http://www.improb.com) now contains a brand new, fully revamped, Project AIRhead 2000 section. Engineered by Seth 2K Landsman, with parsing performed by Craig 2K Haggart, it is available 24 hours per day as part of the much-vaunted "World Wide Web." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-11 Love and Organic Chemistry Science and love are inseparable. That is the theme of the AIR Campaign for Textbook Improvement ("AIRCTI -- pronounced "AIR kitty"). AIRCTI aims to warm the cold, emotionless textbooks of today by adding to each a love interest. Investigator Charles N. Horton has synthesized a love interest for the textbook "Organic Chemistry," 4th Edition, by John McMurry (Brooks/Cole Publishing Company, Boston, 1996). Horton mixed in the romance of a couple named Dan and Melissa. Here are relevant, abstracted snippets from the revised textbook: ... CHAPTER 5: AN OVERVIEW OF ORGANIC REACTIONS Dan was shopping for some organic bean sprouts when he bumped into Melissa. "Oh! You like organic stuff too?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "and I know this great organic cafe..." ... CHAPTER 11: REACTIONS OF ALKYL HALIDES: NUCLEOPHILIC SUBSTITUTIONS AND ELIMINATIONS "Oh no," thought Dan. She already has a boyfriend. I must substitute myself for him! But how? And then a light came on in his mind. "I can eliminate him using an alkyl halide nucleophile!" ... CHAPTER 30: THE ORGANIC CHEMISTRY OF METABOLIC PATHWAYS And so, they lived happily ever after on the pathway of love... ----------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-12 Nattering about Neandertals Last month's AIRCTI project provoked a large volume of mail. Investigator Laura Madrigal had proposed "a love story (mating must occur) between a Neandertal and a Homo sapiens." Such a project has already been carried out, at least according to the literature. Here are some comments on the matter: Investigator Gary Dryfoos, who is one of many correspondents: "In your next issue, I will certainly be referred to as 'one of many correspondents' for noting that Ms Madrigal could find her suggested plot device more than adequately 'fleshed-out'" in one of those darned Jeanne Auel books: 'Clan of the Cave Bear,' I think it was. Ms M. says, 'Certainly, a love story (mating must occur) between a Neandertal and a Homo sapiens would clarify the issue.' They do. It doesn't." Investigator Gunther W Anderson: "It should come as a great relief to the clearly already overtaxed intellects of the illustrious researchers who comprise the staff of the AIR that this delicate and complex research has already been undertaken. As documented in the film "Clan of the Cave Bear," starring Daryl Hannah as the Homo Sapiens, and presumably other actors to whom I didn't pay nearly as much attention, a mating between Homo Neandertalensis and Homo Sapiens did in fact occur. It's difficult to call the encounter a love story in the classical sense, but the mating was in fact successful, yielding offspring. This can be seen as evidence for the regional variant theory." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-13 Wombat 2000 Winner Thanks to a paucity of entries, the winner of the Wombat 2000 essay contest (to answer the question "What is Wombat 2000, and why?") is Howard Schweber of Cornell University. Here is the winning essay: "Wombat 2000, the latest product of the Australian Department of Defense's Research in Animal Biological Behavior Investigative Team, is a biologically engineered mammal guaranteed to stay ripe and retain its flavor for a full sixty days after packaging. With no known terrestrial predators and a reproductive rate exceeding that of the average North American cockroach, the Wombat 2000 is expected to become the sole non-human mammalian life form resident in the United States by the year 2000. The government of Australia cannot tell you how sorry they are about that." The runner-up was Allen Gainsford of New Zealand, who submitted this thought: "I should point out that it is nearly impossible to train a wombat to perch on your shoulder. On the other hand, this tends to make your shirt stay cleaner longer, so I guess wombats could be seen as promoters of shirt hygiene." The winner will receive an autographed, personally smoked cigar butt from Sheldon Glashow. It was Glashow who first proposed the essay question. To collect your prize, send a self-addressed, adequately stamped envelope to: Prof. S. Glashow, Used Cigar Division, Physics Dept., Harvard University, Cambridge, MA, 02138 USA. Please enclose photocopies (or, if you don't mind answering to Xerox's lawyers, Xeroxes) of two forms of personal identification and a letter of reference from a local civic official. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-14 Wheeled Wombat Investigator Kai Kaltenbach unearthed a very different kind of "Wombat 2000." Kaltenbach describes it as "a 1978 GMC recreational vehicle, apparently equipped with a machine gun of some kind." The accouterment in question is a gatling gun. Details can be found at (http://www.in-motion.net/~jedi017/w2000.htm) ----------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-15 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) STICK FIGURING "The relative feeding preference of the walking stick for hardwoods in the mountainous region of West Arkansas and East Oklahoma," J.R. Terry, "Environmental Entomology," vol. 1, 1972, p. 521. (Thanks to Wendy Cooper for bringing this and the next item to our attention.) SPECIOUS FASHIONS "Survival of ring-necked pheasants with backpacks, necklaces and leg bands," V. Marcstroem, R.E. Kenward, and M. Karlbom, "Journal of Wildlife Management, vol. 53, no. 3, 1989, pp. 808-10. HIS MIDDLE NAME ISN'T DANGER "Risk Handbook," John C. Chicken, International Thomson Business Press, London, 1996. (Thanks to Peter Coy for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1997-06-16 AIRhead Events ==> Updates of this schedule are available from info@improb.com Want to host an event? E-mail to HMO BLACK PRESS CONFERENCE mid-July (date to be announced) Press conference to announce the founding of AIR's revolutionary new managed health care organization. SEVENTH FIRST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 9 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go on sale in August. ANNUAL IG NOBEL LECTURES Fri, Oct 10 Harvard University. Lectures by Ig Nobel Laureates and other worthies. AIR Tour of America October-Dec 1997 Schedule to be announced. If you would like to host an event, please email ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-17 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improb.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-18 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny version of AIR -- rather, it is overflow from the real magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706 ----------------------------------------------------- 1997-06-19 Our Address (*) The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu GENERAL INFO (supplied automatically): info@improb.com SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com WORLD WIDE WEB: http://www.improb.com/ We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a SASE in all printed correspondence. From time to time AIRhead news reports and commentary appear on ABC Television's "World News Now" and Public Radio's "Living on Earth." A monthly column of improbable computer-related items appears on the back page of Byte magazine. ELSEWHERE ON THE NET: * USENET: a weekly column appears in clari.tw.columns.imprb_research --------------------------- 1997-06-20 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1997, The Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@leland.stanford.edu) http://www.improb.com/ COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Craig Haggart, Deb Kreuze, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================