PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1997-07 July, 1997 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1997-07-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1997-07-01 Table of Contents 1997-07-02 mini-Housekeeping Notes 1997-07-03 What's New in AIR 1997-07-04 Kokko Correction 1997-07-05 Tysonian Medicine 1997-07-06 Lost and Sexy 1997-07-07 Lava Lamps: The Flow Begins 1997-07-08 More Wombat 2000 Wonders 1997-07-09 The Return of Singmaster 1997-07-10 Singmaster Puzzle Solved 1997-07-11 The Commercial Exploitation of Space 1997-07-12 Chair Enhancement Prize: Anthropology 1997-07-13 AIRhead Project 2000 1997-07-14 May We Recommend 1997-07-15 AIRhead Events 1997-07-16 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1997-07-17 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1997-07-18 Our Address (*) 1997-07-19 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-02 mini-Housekeeping Notes 1. HMO Black Press Conference Wednesday July 30, 11 am. At last! The long-awaited press conference to introduce our new bogus HMO (health maintenance organization) will take place at Harvard Medical School. Featuring scientist/supermodel Symmetra, Nobel Laureates William Lipscomb, Dudley Herschbach, and others. SEE "AIRhead EVENTS" SECTION BELOW FOR DETAILS. Press contact: 2. Ig Nobel Live Telecast Thursday Oct 9. This year's Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony on October 9 will be televised over the net via CU-SeeMe and the MBONE (and possibly also via Real Video). Technical wizardry will be provided by Terranet (www.terra.net), with oversight as usual from famed Internet felon and AIR editorial board member Robert T. Morris. We are also attempting to make available on demand on-line viewing of highlights of previous year's ceremonies. More details in next month's mini-AIR. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-03 What's New in AIR Here are some alluring abstracts from volume 3, number 4 (the July/August 97 issue) of the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). 3:4 is the special Peculiar Patent Issue. As we mentioned last month, the cover features a shocking photo by Robert Richard Smith of cloning researchers and features a shocking photo by Robert Richard Smith of cloning researchers, as we mentioned last month. Features (patent-related and otherwise) in the issue include: "A Five Minute Wonder," by Thomas A. Reisner. The author presents the full transcript of an 1825 stock prospectus for a pneumatic railroad between London and Glasgow. Attaining speeds over 10,000 MPH, the train would have completed its journey in five minutes. "The Grand Canyon -- Further Final Report and User's Guide," by Earle Spamer. The author continues his work to preserve the Grand Canyon by filling it with styrofoam packing piffles. He also explains why people should help preserve the canyon by staying away from it. "Journeys (Sometimes) End in Lovers Meeting," by Tim Healey. This instant classic of a scientific essay explores the various methods by which two people can attempt to meet each other in a designated place. The techniques are also applicable to fishing a bar of soap from a full bathtub. "Ask Symmetra," by scientist/supermodel Symmetra. In this edition of her regular column, Symmetra formulates an infinite series for calculating how to size up a boyfriend. The question of interest is whether the boyfriend is or is not a big zero. "A Stamp of Vanishingly Small Value," by Hildebrandt Wokkert. In Germany did government a stately postage stamp decree. The stamp honors the 200th anniversary of the founding of homeopathic medicine. Homeopathy is the curious theory and practice of using vanishingly small amounts of poison to attempt to cure disease. "The Rise of Science Fear" (poem), by Brenda W. Quinn. This haunting poem (which is accompanied by curiously disturbing, yet lovely photographs) begins thusly: Listen my children and you shall hear Of a curious phenomenon -- science fear... "HMO Black Newsletter." This time, our newsletter about managed health care details the HMO Black Lite program. This program pays doctors not to treat patients. Patients love the plan because it saves them money -- as well as the inconvenience, humiliation, and pain of undergoing medical tests and treatments. "Spot the Bimbos Contest." This time, our ongoing Spot-the-Typos Contest takes a new twist! And much, much more... Full text and illustrations of these and many other articles and citations (including the full citation for "Monitoring Electroejaculation in the Rhinoceros with Ultrasonography") appear in the July/Aug issue of AIR. [mini-AIR, which you are reading at this moment, is a tiny *supplement* to what's in the print publication. As always, we urge you to subscribe to the real thing -- and to submit your own research and images for publication.] ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-04 Kokko Correction Last month we classified Kent S. Kokko erroneously. Kokko is, as reported, the Kokko whose name graces the "The Kokko Collection of Fine Patents," which was described in AIR 3:4. The problem is that our description of Kokko used the invective "attorney." Kokko is not a patent attorney -- rather, he is a patent agent. We apologize for any damage this may have done to his reputation and/or psyche. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-05 Tysonian Medicine Just a few short weeks ago, boxer Mike Tyson bit off a portion of the ear of his pugilistic opponent, the suddenly lightheaded Evander Holyfield. Following the fight, a question came to everyone's lips. That question is of course: What does the medical research literature tell us about the history of people biting off other people's body parts? Led by ace research librarian Judy Reingold, we have looked into the matter. Here are a few medically sound bites of history. Any one of them is cause for a recreational trip to the library. "Salvage of the severely injured ear," I.M. Turpin et al., "Annals of Plastic Surgery," vol. 21, no. 2, Aug. 1988, pp. 170-9. This report deals with three cases, only one of which, alas, concerns what the authors describe as "a human bite ear amputation." "Human fight-bite injuries of the hand. A study of 100 cases within 18 months," U. Mennon and C.J. Howells, "Journal of Hand Surgery," vol. 16, no. 4, Nov. 1991, pp. 431-5. There is also a report in the October, 1985 issue (vol. 23, no. 5) of the research journal "Paraplegia," which alludes to several cases of people who bit off their own fingers. "Amputation of the nose resulting from human bites," B. Erichsen, "Ugeskrift for Laeger [Copenhagen]," vol. 144, no. 11, Mar. 15, 1982, pp. 794-6. If you don't have time to digest the whole report, we recommend instead "Amputation of the tip of the nose resulting from human bites," M. Friedel, F. Schweitzer, and J.L. Beziat, "Annales de Chirurgie Plastique," vol. 25, no. 3, 1980, pp. 259-62. Thinking big? Then sink your teeth into the report "Human bites of the face," J.J. Tomasetti et al., "Journal of Oral Surgery," vol. 37, no. 8, Aug. 1979, pp. 565-8. If that doesn't satisfy your intellectual hunger, by all means look up the all-inclusive "Human bites: a review," M.J. Earley and A.F. Bardsley," British Journal of Plastic Surgery," vol. 37, no. 4, Oct. 1984, pp. 458-62. Finally, for those whose taste is lowbrow (or perhaps even lower), there is the ever-popular report "Human Bites to the Penis," J.S. Wolf, Jr., R. Gomez, and J.W. McAninch, "Journal of Urology," vol. 147, no. 5, May 1992, pp. 1265-7. [NOTE: if you have a citation of a medical report concerning the biting off by one person of a toe belonging to another person, please send it in.] ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-06 Lost and Sexy As a service to the field of psychology, we hereby inaugurate a series of significant research initiatives, to be collectively know as the AIR Psychology Survey. And, and, and.. as a further service to humanity, we have also devised a meaningless phrase: "lost and sexy." We ask you to join us in a grand experiment -- can the readers of mini-AIR, acting in concert, get this attractive yet insipid phrase into general use? Can we cause this phrase to start popping up in TV shows, movies, magazines, and pop music videos? So here is this month's survey question: SURVEY QUESTION: When do you feel lost and sexy? Please send your survey answer (25 words or fewer) to . And please use the phrase "lost and sexy" as much as you can in everyday conversation. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-07 Lava Lamps: The Flow Begins Our call (spurred by L.L. investigator Karen Kreeger) for information regarding lava lamp research produced a flow of molten material. An enormous number of people (thanks to one and all, except you Kenny Bloom) sent us copies of various articles about a research project conducted by Landon Curt Noll, Robert G. Mende, Jr., and Sanjeev Sisodiya at Silicon Graphics, Inc. Noll, Mende, and Sanjeev used a lava lamp and a digitizing camera as the key components of a random number generator. You can see the fruits of their work at: http://lavarand.sgi.com From the medical world comes a cautionary lava lamp tale: "Acute renal toxicity after ingestion of Lava light liquid," T.B. Erickson, S.E. Aks, R. Zabaneh, R. Reid, "Annals of Emergency Medicine," vol. 27, no. 6, June 1996, pp. 781-4. (Thanks to Ian Davis, Barry Gehm, Joyce Scrivner, and Walter W. Giesbrecht for bringing this to our attention.) The abstract reads in part: "A 65-year-old man with a history of alcohol abuse and seizure disorder presented to the emergency department with altered mental status, increased anion gap acidosis, phenytoin toxicity, and acute kidney failure. The patient had ingested the liquid contents of a Lava light.... After 3 days of declining mental status and worsening kidney function, the patient required hemodialysis. After a prolonged hospitalization, the patient was discharged home with residual renal insufficiency. Although multifactorial, the associated renal toxicity was most probably related to the low molecular weight polyethylene glycol content of the lamp's liquid contents." For those whose interest is more in lava and less in lamps, may we recommend the following research report: "The 1928 eruption of Mount Etna volcano, Sicily, and the destruction of the town of Mascali," A.M. Duncan, C. Dibben, D.K. Chester, and J.E. Guest, "Disasters," vol. 20, no. 1, 1996, pp. 1- 20. (Thanks to Ian Davis for bringing this to our attention.) In coming months, we will present further illumination from and on the world of lava lamp research. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-08 More Wombat 2000 Wonders In the 1997-05-17 issue of miniAIR, Investigator and Nobel Laureate Sheldon Glashow asked, "why there is nothing called 'Wombat 2000?'" The question is based on a faulty assumption, according to several wombat-2000-savvy readers. Here are some of their claims. Wombat 2000 is a foot race held annually in the parking lot of Krogers supermarkets. Wombat 2000 is a quasi-secret campaign by the English Test and County Cricket board to acquire a decent national cricket team by importing good players from abroad. Wombat 2000 is a limited-edition sport brougham. Wombat 2000 is a Canadian house design that was wildly popular in the 70's. Wombat 2000 is associated with the Women's Mountain Bike and Tea Society which is holding its annual Wombat Jamboree in Moab, Utah on 9-12 August. (Their brochure is inviting: "Enjoy four days of great single track, wheel lofting and bunny hopping. Earl Grey, Lapsang Souchang, and herbal teas will be available.") Not all of the information people sent in was easy to digest. One reader pointed out that Wombat 2000 should not be confused with the "WOFAT 2000" a TV show that features stars of the old "Hawaii Five-O" series) Another reader stated that Wombat 2000 is "an insegregious repundage." Australian astonomer Duncan Steel was incensed not about the question, but about the results of the Wombat 2000 essay contest. Steele writes: "The prize-winning Wombat 2000 essay is wrong. Any good reference on Australian fauna (e.g., the books I read my kids at bedtime) will reveal the presence of the bunyip, which eats ANYTHING: animate, inanimate, or mythological. Thus Wombat 2000 does have a predator - but being a singular creature you are likely safe in the United States. Nevertheless you should be wary of stories invented by this 'Howard Schweber of Cornell University'; in fact, Beware of Upstate New Yorkers Inventing Phooey." More next time, perhaps. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-09 The Return of Singmaster The Great Space Controversy -- should one use one space character or two following a period? -- initiated by David Singmaster continues. Here is a brief version of Professor Singmaster's response to his critics. (More from the critics next time, perhaps.) "I am intrigued by the number of vehement responses generated by my comment. For non-proportionally spaced fonts, e.g. courier or ordinary VDU use, it seems that two spaces after a period is certainly common, though not universal, despite its being logical if one agrees to the point that sentences deserve greater spacing than words. "However, some respondents stated that this was no longer necessary with proportionally spaced fonts. I beg to differ and claim that it is even more important with proportionally spaced fonts. Admittedly, the period is placed to the left of its space, but the space allocated for both a period and a space is so much smaller than for most letters, that the spacing between a period, followed by a single space, and the following letter is often smaller than the space occupied by the letters on either side. "As a mathematician, the problems of typesetting and of typing mathematical text have made me aware of the problems of legibility of typescript and I am not convinced that typographers have got it right. Indeed Don Knuth was forced to write TEX because his publisher (Addison-Wesley) could not adequately typeset his work." DAVID SINGMASTER, Professor of Mathematics and Metagrobologist School of Computing, Information Systems and Mathematics Southbank University, London email: zingmast or David.Singmaster@sbu.ac.uk ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-10 Singmaster Puzzle Solved David Singmaster's original letter inspired not only a skirmish about space, but also a spate of inquiries as to the meaning of the word "metagrobologist" The word is absent from many dictionaries. Professor Singmaster has kindly supplied an explanation. Here it is: "The Oxford English Dictionary's entry for METAGROBOLIZE describes it as humorous. Rabelais used metagaboulizer and Cotgrave translates it as "to dunce upon, to puzzle, or (too much) beate the braines about" and the OED gives: To puzzle, mystify; To puzzle out. Kipling used the word in 1899, which is the latest citation given in the OED... The noun has been adopted by a number of puzzlers as a term for one who does and makes puzzles." ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-11 The Commercial Exploitation of Space Investigator Tracy Tibedo, for one, was quick to spot the commercial opportunities presented by the Singmaster space race. Behold what Singmaster, via Tibedo, hath wrought: There has been much to do About using one space or two. When at sentence end Upon the period we can depend. But after that who knows How many spaces will go. A consulting service I shall be To help other people like me. Who can't go on and are stuck in space Whenever they see a period in place. I will guide them through this difficult phase that they will face each and every day. So call me for space advice. I'll read your stuff twice And for a large fee I'll tell you what you need One space or two I'll tell you what to do. NOTE for those in need: Tibedo can be reached at ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-12 Chair Enhancement Prize: Anthropology This month's Chair Enhancement Prize Program is focused on the field of: ANTHROPOLOGY. The campaign supplies department chair- individuals with highly desirable cheapo Prizes which they can bestow on especially honor-worthy faculty, students, or others. The program is simple: You send us the name and departmental mailing address of your deserving department chair, and we will send her/him a copy of AIR --and a special Certificate of Existence-- suitable for presentation to somebody or other. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-13 AIRhead Project 2000 Since June, 1994, we have been compiling a list of everything that has 2000 as part of its name. Here are some items plucked randomly from the collection: ITEM YOURHEAD-8921 (submitted by investigator Darren Galpin) "Minehead 2000," a plan to build a new pier in Minehead, England. ITEM DIGHERE-293874 (submitted by investigator Jerry Levinson) "Gravefinder 2000," an interactive touchscreen directory that helps cemetary visitors locate the resting places of loved ones. ITEM GUM-O-TRON-1b (submitted by investigator Linda Sohl) "Mint-O-Matic 2000," a small vending machine that dispenses peppermint patties. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-14 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) "Sea-Floor Depth and the Lake Wobegon Effect," Seth Stein and Carol A. Stein, "Science," vol. 275, March 1997, pp. 1613-4. (Thanks to Donald W. Schaffner for bringing this to our attention.) "Induction of ear wiggling in the estrous female rat by gonadectomized rats treated with androgens and estrogens," J.T.M. Vreeburg and M.P. Ooms, "Hormones and Behavior," vol. 19, 1985, pp. 231-6. (Thanks to Wendy Cooper for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1997-07-15 AIRhead Events ==> Updates of this schedule are available from info@improb.com Want to host an event? E-mail to HMO BLACK PRESS CONFERENCE Wednesday July 30, 11 am Press conference to introduce our new bogus HMO (health maintenance organization) will take place at Harvard Medical School, in the fifth floor conference room of the Channing Laboratory (which is at 181 Longwood Avenue), Harvard Medical School. Featuring scientist/supermodel Symmetra, Nobel Laureates William Lipscomb, Dudley Herschbach, and others. Seating is limited. Lab coats and paper airplanes recommended but not required. Press contact: SEVENTH FIRST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 9 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go on sale in August. The event will also be telecast live over the Internet. ANNUAL IG NOBEL LECTURES Fri, Oct 10 Harvard University. Lectures by Ig Nobel Laureates and other worthies. AIR Tour of America October-Dec 1997 Schedule to be announced. If you would like to host an event, please email ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-16 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ 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To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706 ----------------------------------------------------- 1997-07-18 Our Address (*) The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu GENERAL INFO (supplied automatically): info@improb.com SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com WORLD WIDE WEB: http://www.improb.com/ We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a SASE in all printed correspondence. From time to time AIRhead news reports and commentary appear on ABC Television's "World News Now" and Public Radio's "Living on Earth." A monthly column of improbable computer-related items appears on the back page of Byte magazine. ELSEWHERE ON THE NET: * USENET: a weekly column appears in clari.tw.columns.imprb_research --------------------------- 1997-07-19 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1997, The Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@leland.stanford.edu) http://www.improb.com/ COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Craig Haggart, Deb Kreuze, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================