PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1997-12 December, 1997 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1997-12-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1997-12-01 Table of Contents 1997-12-02 What's New in AIR 1997-12-03 Language Experiment 1997-12-04 Time for Swimsuits, Beards, Angels 1997-12-05 The Nature of the Chemical Bond 1997-12-06 Free Medical Info 1997-12-07 Steam Correction 1997-12-08 Attractive Analysis 1997-12-09 Toe Stumper 1997-12-10 Lash Back 1997-12-11 Ig Recordings, Audio and Video 1997-12-12 The Best of George: Sick, or Just Obnoxious? 1997-12-13 AIR Vents (exhalations from our readers) 1997-12-14 Invite a Racketeer to Lunch 1997-12-15 AIRhead Project 2000 1997-12-16 May We Recommend 1997-12-17 AIRhead Events 1997-12-18 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1997-12-19 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1997-12-20 Our Address (*) 1997-12-21 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. This is mini-AIR, a free monthly *supplement* to the print magazine Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-02 What's New in AIR Here are some further alluring abstracts from volume 4, number 1 (the Jan/Feb 98 issue) of the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). 3:6 is a special Ig Nobel Issue. It contains a complete report on the recent Ig ceremony, with lavish photos. The issue also contains a plethora of regular AIR features, and some surprising surprises. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-03 Language Experiment We invite you to take part in a large-scale language experiment. It concerns the word "cogno-intellectual." This noble word can be used as an adjective or as a noun. We just invented it. The fact that "cogno-intellectual" has no meaning makes it a useful word. Meaning nothing, it can be used for anything. Here is the experiment. Use the word "cogno-intellectual" in written and oral communications with colleagues, especially with colleagues whom you do not know well. If you are a student, use it with your most impressable teachers. If you are a teacher, use it with your most impressable administrators. Use it at meetings. Use it with significant strangers. Use it with abandon. Use it with panache. The main thing is: use it. The most interesting, and the most useful, stage of the experiment will be to then gather evidence that the word is seeing into general use. When you see such evidence, please send a copy to us at: Institute of Cogno-Intellectual Research c/o AIR, PO Box 380853, Cambridge MA 02238 USA ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-04 Time for Swimsuits, Beards, Angels Here is your chance to both publish and perish; to flesh out your CV; to carve out, polish, and pad your niche in history. Destiny is calling you. Harken. Listen. Cock up your ears. Pay heed, please, to our: CALL FOR PHOTOS for AIR's annual Swimsuit issue. CALL FOR ARTICLES AND PHOTOS for AIR's special Bearded Men Issue. CALL FOR PAPERS for AIR's special issue on Angel Science. CALL FOR IMAGES for AIR's special Radiology Issue. Please send all submissions (with a stamped, self-addressed envelope, if you've got one, for a reply) to: Annals of Improbable Research PO Box 380853, Cambridge MA 02238 USA ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-05 The Nature of the Chemical Bond Reader Neville Anderson seeks help with his long-running research project: "I see that there is a new James Bond movie. Every time another one comes out, I seek an answer to my question. Perhaps one of your readers can help: In the field of chemistry, is there in fact something called a James bond? I discussed this with Linus Pauling some years ago, and he was puzzled by the question." ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-06 Free Medical Info Are you in need of good medical information? If not, you can obtain a free reprint of HMO Black's special 4-page opus. Send a self-addressed, adequately stamped envelope to: HMO Black Free Reprint c/o Annals of Improbable Research PO Box 380853 Cambridge MA 02238 USA ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-07 Steam Correction We apologize for the serious typo in last month's report about 17th century pipe organs constructed from natural geysers. The middle paragraph should have read: "The European instruments were relatively small. The larger archeological finds in North America are now thought to have been primitive pipe organs. The people who build them dispersed long before Europeans arrived on the scene. The geyser now known as 'Old Faithful' was used to feed one of the most powerful pipe organs in history. Computer simulations indicate that its A above high C could be heard more than 200 miles away and could shatter glass (had there been any glass in the region) at a distance of 50-75 miles." ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-08 Attractive Analysis We are very interested in proving or disproving the the existence of human pheromones. You are invited to participate in a study. The next time you find yourself attracted to someone, please obtain a sample of his or her perspiration at the time of attraction, and send it to our labs for analysis. We do request that you package the sample properly. In science, it is best to sweat the details. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-09 Toe Stumper We are still searching for the missing toes. Someone at the recent Ig ceremony successfully bid on, and then walked or waltzed off with, the set of five plaster casts of toes of scientist/supermodel Symmetra. We want to include that person in our Registry of Pedal Objects. That is the extent of our interest. If you have seen these toes recently, or have information leading to their capture in the recordbooks, please get in touch with us at , for History's sake. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-10 Lash Back Investigator Betsy Caruso's analysis of "2000 Calorie Mascara" (see last month's mini-AIR) has inspired a spate of 2000 Calorie Mascara sightings. The observers are cautious. None has purchased or come in direct physical contact with the substance. We would welcome a first-hand report from any scientist whose character and makeup have enabled them to survive an encounter with 2000 Calorie Mascara. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-11 Ig Recordings, Audio and Video If you missed the Ig Nobel Prize ceremony, there is no need to despair. (If you attended, that is another matter.) ==> To hear an edited (approx 47 minutes) audio archive of "Science Friday's" Ig Nobel radio broadcast, go to their web site (http://www.sciencefriday.com) and click to the Nov. 28, 1997 archive. ==> A complete video of the 1997 Ig ceremony, including the complete mini-opera "Il Kaboom Grosso," is now available. This historical document (approx. 90 minutes, VHS format only) is available from AIR (PO Box 380853, Cambridge MA 02238 USA, 617- 491-4437, fax 617-661-0927 ) for $25 in the US, $30 for other countries. Massachusetts residents please include 5% sales tax. Videos of the '96 and '95 ceremonies are also available, each for the same price. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-12 The Best of George: Sick, or Just Obnoxious? Here is this month's chapter in our strangely ongoing feature, "The Best of George." This installment is called "Sick, or Just Obnoxious?" George is George Scherr. George, as regular readers will recall, has filed a lawsuit against our editor, Marc Abrahams, and against AIR. George wants us to (a) stop publishing AIR and (b) pay him $4.2 million. George's lawsuit contains twenty (20) pages of accusations, including conspiracy, fraud, trademark infringement, and (still our favorite!) racketeering. We have posted George's entire complaint in our web site (http://www.improb.com). George, acting as his own lawyer, has spent two days (and plans on more) taking a formal deposition from Marc. Here is one typical passage from the official (405 pages so far) transcript. The Mr. Dushman mentioned here is Marc's lawyer. The audiotape is used by the transcriptionist. * * * * * * GEORGE: May I trouble you to turn to the next page, where under section 02 it says: The Revolt of the Mad Scientists. Can you tell us, please, what you meant by The Revolt of the Mad Scientists? (Pause for change of audiotape.) MARC: Okay. Your question is what did I mean by The Revolt of the Mad Scientists? GEORGE: Is it necessary for you to repeat every question, Mr. Abrahams? MARC: Yes. The tape just flipped. I wanted to make sure that everyone had it. GEORGE: Is that some learning disability you have, Mr. Abrahams, that requires you to repeat every question I ask? MARC: Do you want me- MR. DUSHMAN: Objection. No, no. GEORGE: Well, I would like to know whether he is sick or just being obnoxious. MR. DUSHMAN: If you have a real question to ask him, I suggest you ask him a real question. GEORGE: He has testified that he has to re- MR. DUSHMAN: I don't want to argue with you. Just ask him a question. GEORGE: I just did. * * * * * * Later this month, George will continue to depose Marc. George has a long history of taking legal action against many and varied parties, including (as he explained to Marc) one of his own children. If you would like to help us defray the legal expenses of fighting this absurd, improbable lawsuit (and receive a nifty certificate of thanks!), please send donations (whatever you can contribute -- $25, $50, or $100, will help) to the following address: Strategic AIR Defense Fund c/o Robert Dushman Brown, Rudnick, Freed & Gesmer One Financial Center Boston, MA 02111 Honorary co-chairs of the Defense Fund are Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, William Lipscomb, and Richard Roberts. If you have questions, please get in touch with Marc. Some of you have asked if George Scherr really exists, if he really did file this lawsuit, and if it really is consuming time and money. Reality really is stranger than fiction, and the answer to all three questions is yes. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-13 AIR Vents (exhalations from our readers) [NOTE: The views expressed here represent the opinions of the authors, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of those who hold other opinions.] COLDCUT CADENCE Reader Jon Green writes: "Your AIRhead Project 2000 item #H-509, 'ATOMIC MOOG 2000,' a song by the band Coldcut about nuclear power and weapons, is by a man called DJ Coldcut. It's a good song to dance to." A HOST WHO ADVOCATES SEX Reader Stephen Geis writes from Geneva: "I was surprised to read the statement by organizers of the Million Microbe March that 'It is our deeply held belief that people should just say no to sexual reproduction.' Such a policy would have the long-term (long-term from the host point of view; very short time frame for a cell-line) effect of depriving microbes of human hosts. It would also frustrate the transmission strategies of many well known unicellular organisms." A HADDOCK WHO CARPS Reader Steven Haddock writes from Santa Barbara: "You have my whole-hearted (if not quite whole-walleted) support in your defense against the ridiculous lawsuit by George what's-his-name, but I think you may be headed for more trouble by starting a section of mini-AIR called "The Best of George." GEORGE also happens to be a magazine started by JFK, Jr. (http://www.georgemag.com). Last I heard, the Kennedys have pretty decent lawyers (available outside the family) so I don't think they will be representing themselves in court..." BUZZING, BLOOMING, CONFUSING Reader Carl Witthoft inveighs: "I must respond to investigator E. Mason's claims about pigs and flies. I dunno about pigs, but as we all learned somewhere along the line: Time flies. You cannot. They go too fast." THE GLOBAL FOOD PROBLEM SOLVED Reader Tony Tweedale writes: "I don't have hard data about fly reproduction in Germany, but many in their intro to microbiology course have heard how long it would take for the unimpeded replication of a bacteria to equal the weight of the earth--48 hours." OFFICIAL REASONING Reader Charlie Cerf opines: "Those who demonstrated publicly in the sixties often got away scot-free, easily outrunning the overweight and unfit officers. As reasonably trim, young men and women, they probably could run a mile in seven minutes or so; thus, it seems plausible that the average pig of the late sixties would have required ten minutes to run a mile. I believe, however, that police departments were widely embarrassed by the lack of fitness displayed by these officers, and subsequently introduced fitness standards that have resulted in considerably shorter times for running the mile. Perhaps in consequence, people have ceased referring to police officers as 'pigs.'" ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-14 Invite a Racketeer to Lunch The AIR Tour of America, based on the splendid new book "The Best of Annals of Improbable Research," is taking shape. If you would like to host a lecture/slide show (and perhaps also put up our humble editor/racketeer/self-conspirator for a night or so), please get in touch: 617-491-4437. Here are some of the places and approximate dates already scheduled (for more detail, see the EVENTS section below): Philadelphia area, Feb 14 Ohio, Mar 12 Southern California, Apr 4 SF Bay Area, approx. Apr 10 New Mexico, April 17 ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-15 AIRhead Project 2000 Since June, 1994, we have been compiling a list of everything that has 2000 as part of its name. Here are some randomly selected items: ITEM RG808 (submitted by investigator Morris M. Keesan) "ANCIENT WORLD 2000," a multi-media curriculum "to promote group cooperation, hands-on investigation, and problem solving." ITEM 7U-7l7 (submitted by investigator Mary Ellen Goetz) "DiskOnChip 2000," a "32-pin DIP flash device which can be configured as a regular boot device, a solid state disk, or an EPROM BIOS device." ITEM H88H02 (submitted by investigator Frank Nice) "SPEED 2000 GRAPHITE GOLFING WOOD" ----------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-16 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) FOR BEAN COUNTERS "What to do with the bean from a patient's ear," R. Cranshaw, "Archives of Internal Medicine," vol. 131, no. 2, Feb. 1973, pp. 278-9. (Thanks to Suzane Fallon for bringing this to our attention.) SCHOLARLY DISGUST "Categories of disgust: a factor analysis study, Karen Barker and Graham C.L. Davey, Cognitive Science Research Paper 471, University of Sussex, December 1997. (Thanks to Shimon Edelman for bringing this to our attention.) The abstract reads: "This paper describes two studies based on a factor analysis of disgusts. The results revealed that disgusts could be grouped into five categories representing foodstuffs of animal origin, human body and body products, invertebrate animals, gastro-enteric products and sexual practices. The factor structures for males and females and student and employed populations were comparable except for some minor differences, and females exhibited significantly higher disgust scores on all disgust categories except gastro-enteric products. Scores on all five categories were all highly inter-correlated and also significantly correlated with an independent measure of disgust sensitivity." ------------------------------------------------------------ 1997-12-17 AIRhead Events ==> Want to host an event? E-mail to or call 617-491-4437 ==> For updates of this schedule, email MIT ALUMNI CLUB OF PHILADELPHIA Fri, Feb 13, evening AAAS ANNUAL MEETING Sat, Feb 14, evening 8:45 pm, Marriott Hotel, Philadelphia. AIR authors Marc Abrahams, Earle Spamer, Len Finegold, Eric Schulman, et al. will present their annual special session as part of the American Association for the Advancement of Science annual meeting. (If you would like to schedule another AIR event near this this time and place, please get in touch with us.) MIT, Special Event. Feb. (date/place to be announced) Details TBA. SPECIAL RESEARCH TALK, PROCTER & GAMBLE, MASON, OH March 12 This is a special closed event for a P&G scientists. ASSOCIATION OF WOMEN IN SCIENCE MEETING, SAN DIEGO Apr 4 Special improbable research seminar as part of the AWIS meeting. INFO: Isabel Corcos . STANFORD UNIVERSITY Early April (exact date TBA) 1998 WESTERN PSYCHOLOGY ASSOCIATION / ROCKY MOUNTAIN PSYCHOLOGY ASSOCIATION JOINT CONVENTION Fri, April 17, 1988, Hyatt Regency Hotel, Albuquerque Convention Center, Albuquerque, NM, 1:00 pm. 1998 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 8 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go on sale in August. ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-18 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improb.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-19 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny version of AIR -- rather, it is a tiny supplement to the magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706 ----------------------------------------------------- 1997-12-20 Our Address (*) The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu GENERAL INFO (supplied automatically): info@improb.com SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com WORLD WIDE WEB: http://www.improb.com/ We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a SASE in all printed correspondence. A monthly column of improbable computer-related items appears on the back page of Byte magazine. ELSEWHERE ON THE NET: * USENET: a weekly column appears in clari.tw.columns.imprb_research --------------------------- 1997-12-21 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1997, The Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@leland.stanford.edu) http://www.improb.com/ COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Craig Haggart, Deb Kreuze, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================