PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1998-01 January, 1998 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1998-01-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1998-01-01 Table of Contents 1998-01-02 mini-Housekeeping 1998-01-03 What's New in AIR 1998-01-04 Name That Swoon 1998-01-05 Scientific Correctness Survey #11: Life on Mars 1998-01-06 Cogno-Intellectualism Sweeps the Netherlands 1998-01-07 Cogno-Intellectual Murder Mystery # 79 1998-01-08 Million Microbe Mishap 1998-01-09 Astrology, Muliebrity, Moolah 1998-01-10 Jamesian Nature of the Chemical Bond 1998-01-11 Legal Survey: People in Technology 1998-01-12 Project Strange Seat 1998-01-13 The Best of George: "Jerked Around" 1998-01-15 The Best of George SPECIAL ISSUE: "Family Values" 1998-01-16 AIRhead Project 2000 1998-01-17 Quick-Vanishing Books 1998-01-18 May We Recommend 1998-01-19 AIRhead Events 1998-01-20 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1998-01-21 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1998-01-22 Our Address (*) 1998-01-23 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. This is mini-AIR, a free monthly *supplement* to the print magazine Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-02 mini-Housekeeping 1. AIR TOUR. The AIR tour already has events planned in Massachusetts, Philadelphia, Maryland, Washington (DC), Cincinnati, upstate New York, Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco, and Albuquerque/Santa Fe. See Section 1998-01-19 below for details. TO HOST AN EVENT in any of those areas (or anywhere else) please get in touch ASAP: 617-491-4437 2. A very special tour event will occur at MIT on Thursday night, Feb 5: it will feature many performers from the Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, including most of the cast of the Big Bang opera "Il Kaboom Grosso." Don't miss it. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-03 What's New in AIR Here are some further alluring abstracts from volume 4, number 1 (the Jan/Feb 98 issue) of the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). 4:1 is the annual Ig Nobel Issue. It contains a complete report on the recent Ig ceremony, with lavish photos. The issue also contains a plethora of regular AIR features, and other features such as: * An interview with Nobel Laureate Don Thomas and his wife and research partner Dottie. The Thomases share their secrets for packing luggage. * Cafeteria review: the Stanford Linear Accelerator Center fine dining facility. * "Mel is Swell," an epic cell biology poem by Jeffrey Settleman. A complete table of contents and a lovely reproduction of the cover are (or will soon be!) posted on our web site http://www.improb.com ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-04 Name That Swoon With the new understanding of the universe's fate comes a need for a nifty name. Recent discoveries show that the universe is likely to keep on expanding forever -- thinning, thinning, thinning into gradual blandness. It would be in most ways the opposite of the Big Bang with which everything began. This infinite ending needs a magnificent monicker. We propose "The Final Fade." Any better suggestions will be grudgingly considered. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-05 Scientific Correctness Survey #11: Life on Mars As a continuing service to the community, we are conducting public opinion surveys to settle every bitterly argued scientific controversy. Behold this month's question: Does the famous Antarctica meteorite show that there is life on Mars? Please send your vote to ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-06 Cogno-Intellectualism Sweeps the Netherlands Investigator Jeroen Scheerder has done the Cogno- Intellectual Project (our effort to insert a meaningless new word into general use) a great service. Scheerder has translated last month's call for participation (see mini-AIR 1997-12) into Dutch. Here it is. We suggest that you spread it far and wide, even if you don't speak Dutch. ==> Taalexperiment <== Wij nodigen U uit deel te nemen aan een grootschalig taalexperiment. Het betreft het woord "cogno-intellectueel". Dit edele woord kan als bijvoeglijk- en als zelfstandig naamwoord gebruikt worden. We verzonnen het zojuist. Het feit dat "cogno- intellectueel" geen betekenis heeft maakt het een nuttig woord. Geheel verstoken van betekenis kan het voor wat dan ook gebruikt worden. Hier is het experiment: gebruik het woord "cogno- intellectueel" in schriftelijke en mondelinge communicatie met collegae, in het bijzonder met collegae die U niet goed kent. Bent U een student, gebruik het dan bij de beïnvloedbaarste docenten. Bent U een docent, gebruik het dan bij uw beïnvloedbaarste bureautijgers. Gebruik het in vergaderingen. Gebruik het bij belangrijke vreemden. Gebruik het achteloos. Gebruik het met flair. Het cruciale punt is: gebruik het. De interessantste, en de nuttigste, fase van het experiment zal vervolgens het verzamelen van bewijs dat het woord ingeburgerd raakt zijn. Komt U zulk bewijs tegen, stuur dan alstublieft een kopie maar ons, naar: Instituut voor Cogno-Intellectueel Onderzoek c/o AIR, Postbus 380853, Cambridge MA 02238 USA ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-07 Cogno-Intellectual Murder Mystery # 79 Here is episode 79 in "The Adventures of Richard Brane, Emotional Detective." "Richard!" gasped Delia, her lip quivering. "Look!" Not even opening his eyes, Richard nodded. "A dead body, I presume. Stop quivering, Delia. Enough of your lip." The next morning, Richard gave a low chuckle over a steaming pot of coffee. Delia put down her tabloid newspaper, and fixed her warm gaze upon the famous detective. "Is that chuckle for me, Richard?" she asked. He nodded. "Yes, I've solved the mystery, Delia." Delia smiled fetchingly. "Oh, Richard, I have no doubt of that!" she chirped, "Tell me how, tell me how." Richard paused, took a sip of the hot java, rolled it on his tongue, and cogitated. "How, you ask? Simple, Delia. Here's how I know the time of death. The murderer smashed the woman's wristwatch, then forced her to swallow it. Thus, the perpetrator wasn't just killing time -- he was also killing a helpless vixen." "Oh, Richard!" Delia sighed, "You've done it again." And so ends another episode of "The Adventures of Richard Brane, Emotional Detective." ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-08 Million Microbe Mishap The Million Microbe March (see the past few issues of mini-AIR for details), scheduled to occur last month at the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Maryland, was postponed due to a mishap. One careless onlooker spilled a styrofoam cupful of too-hot take- out coffee on the parade ground. This dispersed the marchers, both both collectively and as individuals. When and if the Million Microbe March is rescheduled, we will let you know. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-09 Astrology, Muliebrity, Moolah According to a report in the January 11, 1988 Boston Globe, a service called "Astronet" is "the largest astrology service on the Internet." Affiliated with America Online, Astronet is reported to average 1.2 million hits per day. The Globe says that "Most of the visitors to the site are single women who are between 18 and 54 years old, have college degrees, and earn more than $50,000 a year." If hits translates to head counts, and if "most" means "more than half," then we now know something remarkable about high- earning single women. The conclusion is inescapable: many high- flying financial females -- more than a half million every day -- fancy astrology. This is a significant fraction of the high-earning single women in the world. We invite all economists to compute exactly what that fraction is, and what this bodes for the future of information, education, and of course, the Internet. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-10 Jamesian Nature of the Chemical Bond Neville Anderson's desperate call for information regarding the nature of the chemical bond known as the "James bond" (see last month's mini-AIR) drew numerous attempts at helpful information. Here are a few of them. Investigator Paul Tomblin: "There is a "Saint James - Bond Street United Church" in Toronto, Ontario, caused by the amalgamation of two appropriately named churches. I used to see it when taking the Dufferin bus down to the 'Ex.' Also, I did a web search, and found that 'St James Bond United Church' is listed as the meeting location for the 105th Toronto Boy Scout troop. See http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/knickson/sbrk.htm " Investigator Henrik Nielsen echoed a notion advanced by many: "I merely wish to point out one necessary property that the James Bond must possess: It should be resistant to shaking, but not to stirring." Investigator John R. Nash: "On the question of 'is there a James bond in chemistry?'... I have yet to find one, but I can tell you that there are several books on spectroscopy by 'Ian Fleming.'" More next time, perhaps. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-11 Legal Survey: People in Technology Howard Zaharoff, proprietor of the AIRhead Legal Review column which appears in AIR, is conducting a survey. Computer technology will soon allow us to produce remarkably lifelike simulations of deceased celebrities. In the absence of legal restrictions, it will be possible for anyone "make a comeback." However, society would probably welcome some legal restrictions -- one in particular. Please answer one survey question: Which dead celebrity should be prohibited by law from being recreated with virtual reality, and why? Please send your answer (25 words or fewer) to ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-12 Project Strange Seat The time has come, the Walrus said, to sit on many things. We hereby announce Project Strange Seat. Help us identify and catalog unusual academic chairs (endowed faculty positions, not furniture). Project Strange Seat is organized and conducted jointly by Richard Morin of the Washington Post and by the Annals of Improbable Research. Please send along the names of any actual academic chairs at a university or college that are memorable or unusual for whatever reason, or that have a particularly interesting or cogno- intellectual story behind them. Here is an example of what we are interested in locating: The Streisand Professorship in Intimacy and Sexuality at the University of Southern California, generously funded by the Funny Girl herself. [NOTE: there is also a Streisand Chair of Environmental Studies, endowed by Streisand to the Environmental Defense Fund -- see http://www.edf.org/pubs/EDF- Letter/1989/Aug/k_streisand.html for details -- However, the Environmental Defense Fund is not a university or college, so this is a borderline case.] Please send all pertinent data to or . ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-13 The Best of George: "Jerked Around" Here is this month's chapter in our strangely ongoing feature, "The Best of George." This installment is called "Jerked Around." George is George Scherr. George, as regular readers will recall, has filed a lawsuit against our editor, Marc Abrahams, and against AIR. George wants us to (a) stop publishing AIR and (b) pay him $4.2 million (but see below!). George's original lawsuit contains twenty (20) pages of accusations, including conspiracy, fraud, trademark infringement, and (still our favorite!) racketeering. We have posted George's entire original complaint, and the relevant rackeetering statute, on our web site (http://www.improb.com). George, acting as his own lawyer, spent two days taking a formal deposition from Marc. George then demanded further time to continue grilling Marc, got a month's extension from the court, and then said that he couldn't fit it into his schedule. Here is another typical passage from the official (405 pages) deposition transcript. The Mr. Dushman mentioned here is Marc's lawyer. * * * * * * MARC: I - that was a very long sentence. GEORGE: And you can't think past - MARC: Could you boil the sentence down to a simple question, please? GEORGE: You mean you don't understand the question? MARC: Please boil the sentence down to a simple question. GEORGE: You don't understand the question, is that your answer? MARC: It's a long question. Please boil it down to a simple question. GEORGE: I can't make it any shorter than what you, yourself, have written. You claim that the entire former editorial staff of the Journal of Irreproducible Results now produces AIR. I'd like to see which former editorial staff of AIR [sic] you're referring to. Now can you understand me? MARC: I can understand that you want to see people, fine. GEORGE: Can you understand the question? MARC: I don't understand what your question is. MR. DUSHMAN: Are you asking for which names, is that what you're asking? GEORGE: No. He is claiming - MR. DUSHMAN: I just wanted to know if you wanted him to tell you names? GEORGE: Where will I find this list of the former editorial staff that now produces AIR - he must have found it someplace in order to make this claim. Where? MARC: Did you - would you like to ask me the simple question where did I get - GEORGE: Certify that question. I'm not going to be jerked around like this. You can answer it to the judge. * * * * * * In late December, George filed several hundred pages of additional documents with the court, detailing a variety of new charges against Marc, and raising the total amount of money George is seeking to $8.1 million. The passage quoted above is included in the new charges. If you would like to help us defray the legal expenses of fighting this absurd, improbable lawsuit (and receive a nifty certificate of thanks!), please send donations (whatever you can contribute -- $25, $50, or $100, will help) to the following address: Strategic AIR Defense Fund c/o Robert Dushman Brown, Rudnick, Freed & Gesmer One Financial Center Boston, MA 02111 Honorary co-chairs of the Defense Fund are Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, William Lipscomb, and Richard Roberts. If you have questions, please get in touch with Marc . Many of you have asked: Is George really doing this, and does he really exist? The answer to both question is: yes. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-15 The Best of George SPECIAL ISSUE: "Family Values" THIS JUST IN: Here is a special extra installment of "The Best of George." This installment is called "Family Values." On January 10, Marc's father celebrated his 80th birthday, with much celebration. On January 13, Marc's father received a certified letter from George Scherr. George's letter begins with the salutation "Dear Abrahams," and then asks Marc's father to send George any information that could be used against Marc. George's letter ends with the following sentence: "If you would feel more comfortable in responding to these questions pursuant to a subpoena, I would be pleased to issue one setting forth the above citations." ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-16 AIRhead Project 2000 Since June, 1994, we have been compiling a list of everything that has 2000 as part of its name. Here are some randomly selected items: ITEM NS77A (submitted by investigator Morpheus Anatemno). "VISION 2000 LABORATORY" at Dalhousie University in Nova Scotia. The university's medical schoolschool recently replaced its 15th floor faculty lounge, which had a spectacular broad view of Halifax Harbour, with its "Vision 2000" research laboratory. The core part of "Vision 2000" is a multi-user laboratory that is nearly widowless. ITEM HH99EE6 (submitted by Earle Spamer) "YEAR/2000 JOURNAL," a publication "dedicated to presenting the strategies and techniques necessary to solving the Year/2000 computer crisis." ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-17 Quick-Vanishing Books Here is a modern etiquette question. We have heard laments -- many laments -- that our new book, "The Best of Annals of Improbable Research," Marc Abrahams (ed), W.H. Freeman Publishers, $14.95, ISBN 0-7167-3094-4, has sold out quickly at local stores. In the event you find yourself confronted with just such unhappy dearth, would it be proper for you tell the bookstore proprietors that you are going to hold your breath and turn blue until they bring you some refreshing AIR? No, no. Breathe easy, breathe deep, but please do stand your ground and ask them to re-order. (Or, if prefer, order from one of the on-line literaremporia listed at our web site http://www.improb.com). ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-18 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) DOODLE GROUPS "Doodle Groups," Mikhail Khovanov, "Transactions of the American Mathematical Society," vol. 349, no. 6, June 1997, pp. 2297-2315. (Thanks to Tom Roberts for bringing this to our attention.) The author writes, royally, that: "We show that fundamental groups of some doodles are automatic..." IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING "Acoustic characteristics of less-masculine-sounding male speech," Jack D. Avery and Julie M. Liss, "Journal of the Acoustical Society of America," vol. 99, no. 6, June 1996, pp. 3738-48. (Thanks to Phil Garner for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1998-01-19 AIRhead Events ==> Want to host an event? E-mail to or call 617-491-4437 ==> For updates of this schedule, email MIT, Cambridge, MA Thurs, Feb. 5, 7:30 pm Room 10-250, 77 Massachusetts Ave. Lecture/slide show, and performance of part of the Ig Nobel opera "IL KABOOM GROSSO" featuring soprano Margot Button, baritone Benjamin Sears, et al. INFO: 617 253-5249 MIT ALUMNI CLUB OF DELAWARE VALLEY Fri, Feb 13, evening the University of Pennsylvania Archaeology Museum. Dinner at 6 pm, improbable research&technology / Ig Nobel lecture, slide show, and indoor aeronautical competition at 7:30. Everyone (not just MIT alums) most welcome, but please contact Elizabeth Chen for reservations: 215-652-0673 (days) or 215-799-0641 (eves). FRANKLIN INSTITUTE, Philadelphia Sat, Feb 14, 11:45 am AND 2:00 pm. Two -- count em -- two improbable research presentations featuring Marc Abrahams, Eric Schulman, and other AIRheads, and video glimpses of Ig Nobel ceremony highlights. AAAS ANNUAL MEETING Sat, Feb 14, evening 8:45 pm, Marriott Hotel, Philadelphia. AIR authors Marc Abrahams, Earle Spamer, Len Finegold, Eric Schulman, et al. will present their annual special session as part of the American Association for the Advancement of Science annual meeting. (If you would like to schedule another AIR event near this this time and place, please get in touch with us.) WASHINGTON, DC AREA Various events TBA, mid-late February. Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. SPECIAL RESEARCH TALK, P&G, CINCINNATI, OH March 12 This is a special closed event for a Procter&Gamble scientists. Iif you would like to host an event in the area, please contact 617-491-4437 UPSTATE NEW YORK Various events TBA, mid-late March. Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. LOS ANGELES Various events TBA, late March/early April. Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. ASSOCIATION OF WOMEN IN SCIENCE MEETING, SAN DIEGO Apr 4 Special improbable research seminar as part of the AWIS meeting. INFO: Isabel Corcos . STANFORD UNIVERSITY Early April (exact date TBA) Other events will also be scheduled for the Bay Area. Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. 1998 WESTERN PSYCHOLOGY ASSOCIATION / ROCKY MOUNTAIN PSYCHOLOGY ASSOCIATION JOINT CONVENTION Fri, April 17, 1988, Hyatt Regency Hotel, Albuquerque Convention Center, Albuquerque, NM, 1:00 pm. ALBUQUERQUE/ SANTA FE AREA Late April Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. 1998 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 8 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go on sale in August. ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-20 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improb.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-21 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny version of AIR -- rather, it is a tiny supplement to the magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706 ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-01-22 Our Address (*) The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu GENERAL INFO (auto-responder): info@improb.com SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com WORLD WIDE WEB: http://www.improb.com/ We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a SASE in all printed correspondence. A monthly column of improbable computer-related items appears on the back page of Byte magazine. ELSEWHERE ON THE NET: * USENET: a weekly column appears in clari.tw.columns.imprb_research --------------------------- 1998-01-23 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1998, The Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@leland.stanford.edu) http://www.improb.com/ COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Craig Haggart, Deb Kreuze, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================