PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1998-04 April, 1998 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1998-04-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1998-04-01 Table of Contents 1998-04-02 mini-Housekeeping 1998-04-03 What's New in AIR 1998-04-04 Luggage Vaporization 1998-04-05 The Universe That Won't Go Away (continued) 1998-04-06 Correctly Announcing Project Typographical Eros 1998-04-07 An Update is Given 1998-04-08 Duct Tape? 1998-04-09 AIR Vents - Exhalations From our Readers 1998-04-10 Scientific Adventure Stories 1998-04-11 Apoptosis for Everyone 1998-04-12 The Best of George: "You Know That to be a Fact?" 1998-04-13 Project AIRhead 2000 1998-04-14 Perils of Correspondence and Correspondents 1998-04-15 May We Recommend 1998-04-16 AIRhead Events 1998-04-17 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1998-04-18 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1998-04-19 Our Address (*) 1998-04-20 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. This is mini-AIR, a free monthly *supplement* to the print magazine Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-02 mini-Housekeeping 1. AIR ON TOUR. In the next few weeks, the AIR tour (including a sacred copy of the recent book "The Best of Annals of Improbable Research" and a glass jar containing a specimen of Barney the dinosaur in formaldehyde) will be descending on: New York City San Diego the San Francisco Bay area (twice!) Albuquerque Santa Fe The editor of "The Best of AIR" will also be improbablizing on the radio on Fri., March 27 on NPR's "Science Friday" program and Sat., April 18 on "West Coast Live." The SciFri broadcast will be archived on the Internet. The WCL broadcast can be heard live on the Internet. See the "AIRhead Events" Section below for details. Schedule updates will be posted on the AIR Web site (http://www.improb.com/projects/schedule.txt). 2. TEXAS. If you're in Texas and you want to host an AIR event this summer, please get in touch ASAP. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-03 What's New in AIR Here are some alluring abstracts from volume 4, number 2 (the Mar/Apr 98 issue) of the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). 4:2 is the annual Swimsuit Issue. It contains a cogno-intellectual photojournalistic essay of three of the most dazzling science beauties who lurk on land or under sea. The issue also contains a bevy and a half of regular AIR features. A complete table of contents and a lovely reproduction of the issue's cover will eventually be posted on our web site http://www.improb.com ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-04 Luggage Vaporization Investigator David Smith writes to notify us of a startlingly powerful new technology: "The March 16th issue of "Aviation Week and Space Technology" (p.13) reports that passengers at San Francisco International Airport will be asked to submit carry-on luggage for examination by a machine called the "Carry-on Luggage Profiler." Av Week reports that this remarkable device makes use of "3- megawatt average power" top- and side-mounted lasers to derives precise bag height and width data. The article goes on to say that initial trials at Des Moines International Airport have 'significantly increased the amount of luggage that was checked.'" If anyone has first-hand knowledge as to what is the minimum power needed to convert luggage from solid to gaseous form, please send it to ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-05 The Universe That Won't Go Away (continued) We are still gathering and test, test, testing names for the thin, thin, thinning of the universe into gradual blandness. What moniker is a suitable end to the beloved beginning "Big Bang?" Our own proposal was "The Final Fade." Here is a third helping of good (and other kinds of) suggestions: The Tiny Tinkle (Art Greenwalt) The Old-Aged Spread (Carol Withrow) The Long Goodbye (Pat O'Leary, Sydney Henderson, et al.) Ngab Gib (Jorge Boria, Janie Franks, et al.) The Big WIMP Out (Rob Pike) The Cogno-Intellectual Cop-Out (Justin A. T. Halls) Universe Emeritus (Chris Jenkins) We are still -- yes, still! -- being flooded with variants of the T.S. Eliot-inspired "Wee Whimper." Cut the whimpering, please. Toughen up. Here are some other comments that have fluttered into our mailbox: Investigator Fredrik Mansfeld muses: "I think we are looking for a subtle and worthy expression that suggests a philosophical consideration of times past, with a touch of sentiment. Something that vanishes into nothing and gets one to wonder if there ever was anything to start with. Like 'the silent sigh.'" Dyspeptic investigator Phil Shannon suggests: "May I suggest 'The Blairout'" for the UK, or simply '"The Clinton' for the US?" Investigator Bronwen Scott writes in Antipodean reference to our phrase "thinning, thinning, thinning into gradual blandness": "As this describes the situation at this university very accurately I propose we use the term 'the James Cook of all endings' (JCU as a convenient abbreviation). I'm aware that it may also be applied to any number of universities worldwide, but I think ours deserves some fame. For something. Anything. I don't care. We're stuck in this tropical hell - nothing but sun, sand, rain forest (and peculiarly geography, obviously) as far as the eye can see." More next time. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-06 Correctly Announcing Project Typographical Eros We regret to announce that there was an error in our announcement last month that we were prudely announcing a massive new poject, "PROJECT TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROS." The formal name is: "A History of Typographical Erros Occurring in Books and Articles About Typographical Errors." This project is self-explainatory. We request that all editors and poofreaders of relevant pubications and e-lists spread the word to. The correct address to which to which to send to send data and inquiries to the project director is . Wheee. Thanks you. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-07 An Update is Given Our new publication has been started, and has turned out to indeed be a sub-publication of the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). It has been named "The Journal of the Passive Voice." Articles written entirely in the passive voice have been submitted for publication in this new journal. Investigator Barbara Spector, who has been identified as being a co-creator of the new journal's title, has written: "The mini-AIR issue in which the JPV item is contained was received by me. It was found to be very amusing." Certain identical submissions have been received from a number of persons, some of whom are thought to be anonymous, as no name accompanied their submissions. These particular submissions all have been seen to consist of one quotation: "Mistakes have been made." -former US President Ronald Wilson Reagan The following address has been confirmed as being the place to which other submissions and passive correspondence can be sent: Journal of the Passive Voice c/o Annals of Improbable Research PO Box 380853 Cambridge, MA 02238 USA Co-editors have been announced to be: (1) Miriam Bloom , of whom no untoward accusation has been lodged in any US federal court; and (2) alleged federal racketeer and self-conspirator Marc Abrahams . ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-08 Duct Tape? If you have direct involvement with manufacturing, designing, or analyzing duct tape (as opposed to merely using this magical substance), and would perhaps enjoy collaborating with us on a major ceremony to be held this October, we would enjoy hearing from you ASAP at . ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-09 AIR Vents - Exhalations From our Readers PUTTING HIS FOOT DOWN Investigator Duncan Steel writes: "Regarding the discussion of the putative proliferation of possibly-Teutonic bugs, an Antipodean investigator complains of the use of the (singular) indefinite article with a plural ('the unimpeded replication of a bacteria' [sic]), and points out that in any case it is not possible to impede a bacterium because it has no legs; he admits to being a pedant (because he does - have legs, that is)." QUALIFIED ON PAPER Investigator J. David McDonald writes: "In the text (from mini-Air December 1997) describing your Cogno-intellectual experiment the word impressible is misspelled twice (egad!). Perhaps the editorial staff should include some evidence of cogno-intellect for future hires and appointments! Mine is, of course, well-documented." COGNO-INTELLECTUAL ADVANCEMENT Investigator Sturle Sunde reports on Norwegian business practices: "A friend of mine used the word 'cogno-intellectual' several times in a presentation (which he wasn't very well prepared for) for his employer. He also used the word 'pro-active.' His employer liked the idea of being cogno-intellectual, and promoted my friend immediately. He is now in charge of some projects which he doesn't know anything about. " DESERVING OF HONOR? Investigator Jim Barrett has been conducting research on the US tax-gathering system. Barrett suggests: "I know it's a bit early, but can I nominate the people responsible for Part IV of the 1997 Form 1040, Schedule D, for the '98 mathematics Ig?" ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-10 Scientific Adventure Stories We are collecting firsthand scientific adventure stories, which we will eventually compile into a book entitled "Science is Scary." The book will be used to frighten dimwitted science teachers out of the business. This in turn will keep science interesting for many of the students whose curiosity would otherwise be discouraged, dismantled and demolished by the science-phobic teachers. The project is inspired in part by investigator Peter E. Hughes, who filed this report with us before vanishing mysteriously: "A wild boar runs very fast. I know because I was attacked by one while hunting in South Carolina and almost didn't make it out of the swamp alive. It was fast, really fast, but I didn't clock it. I was busy trying to get my pistol out of my waders." If you have a firsthand science adventure to report, please send it to ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-11 Apoptosis for Everyone "Apoptosis" is a biological word meaning "programmed cell death." The concept and the term have now been successfully applied to cellular telephones. Details are in one of Marc's columns for Byte magazine. You can find it at http://www.byte.com/art/9712/sec16/art1.htm ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-12 The Best of George: "You Know That to be a Fact?" Here is this month's chapter in our strangely ongoing feature, "The Best of George." This installment is called "You Know That to be a Fact?". George is George Scherr. George, as regular readers will recall, has filed a lawsuit against our editor, Marc Abrahams, and against AIR. George wants us to (a) stop publishing AIR and (b) pay him $8.1 million (up from the $4.2 million he originally asked). George's accusations include conspiracy, fraud, trademark infringement, and (still our favorite!) racketeering. We have posted George's entire original complaint on our web site (http://www.improb.com). George is acting as his own lawyer. He spent two days taking a formal deposition from Marc. Here is another typical passage from the official (405 pages) deposition transcript. * * * * * * GEORGE: Now the Journal, therefore, contained articles submitted by yourself, written by yourself, principally under the name of pseudonyms, and also articles contributed by real individuals, is that correct? MARC: Correct. Some of them were also under pseudonyms. GEORGE: Some of the other. And can you tell us why someone outside your editorial board would submit a manuscript and ask that it be published under a pseudonym? MARC: There is an ancient tradition in humor magazines of writing under pseudonyms. GEORGE: And you know that to be a fact? MARC: Yes, I know that to be a fact. * * * * * * If you would like to help us defray the legal expenses of fighting this absurd, improbable lawsuit (and receive a nifty certificate of thanks!), please send donations (whatever you can contribute -- $25, $50, or $100, will help) to the following address: Strategic AIR Defense Fund c/o Robert Dushman Brown, Rudnick, Freed & Gesmer One Financial Center Boston, MA 02111 Honorary co-chairs of the Defense Fund are Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, William Lipscomb, and Richard Roberts. If you have questions, please get in touch with Marc . Many of you have asked: (a) Is George really doing this, and (b) does he really exist? The answer to both question is: yes. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-13 Project AIRhead 2000 Here are further selections from our ever-growing collection of things that have 2000 in their names. ITEM 5503 (submitted by investigator Mark Perks) "FUTURO SYSTEM 2000," a new depilation treatment for women sold by Quest International (UK) Ltd. The same organization also offers ITEM 5504, which it describes thusly: "We also promote the unique shaving device FUTURO SHAVING 2000, up to 3 months without shaving for men's beard." ITEM 8R400 (Submitted by investigator Pete Kaiser) "SNOOKY 2000" is a small kayak sold by a company in Bern, Switzerland. ITEM #66EEK (submitted by investigator Matthew S. Grober) "SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION 2000," a "multidisciplinary" convocation to be held at the Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons in New York City on April 3-4. CONTACT: 212-781-5990 Investigator Earle Spamer writes in with a provocative, almost Singmasterian, question: "I hope Project 2000 is also keeping track of the ratio between names where 2000 is preceded, or not, by a space." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-14 Perils of Correspondence and Correspondents HotAIR's webmaster writes that she would like to apologize to anyone she was corresponding with in the last several months who has not heard from her lately. Her Stanford account suffered a meltdown. Please note that her new address is . Write her there if you have unfinished business, or if you wish to treat her to a pleasant spring repast. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-15 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) STATISTICO-LINGUISTIC EROTICA "The effect of sexual cannibalism on the evolution of large populations," N. Vandewalle, "Physica A," vol. 245, 1997, pp. 113-23. This paper concerns statistical physics, and perhaps is an example of how statisticians keep themselves interested in their work. (Thanks to Allan Harvey for bringing this to our attention.) COMPUTATIONAL CLEANLINESS "A software approach to hair removal from images," T. Lee, V. Ng, R. Gallagher, A. Coldman, and D. Mclean, Computers in Biology and Medicine, vol. 27, no. 6, Dec. 11, 1997, pp. 533-43. (Thanks to Arthur Brandwood for bringing this and the following items to our attention.) DOWN TO BASICS "An ergonomic approach to public squatting-type toilet design, D. Cai and M. You, "Applied Ergonomics," vol. 29, no. 2, Dec. 4, 1997, pp. 147-153. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1998-04-16 AIRhead Events ==> Want to host an event? E-mail to or call 617-491-4437. ALTERNATIVELY, please call W.H. Freeman Publishers, the publisher of the book "Best of AIR," at 212-576-9423 ==> For updates of this schedule, For updates of this schedule, see http://www.improb.com/projects/schedule.txt or email . COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY, NEW YORK CITY Thurs, Mar 26, 2:30 pm AIR seminar at the Hammer Health Sciences Building, 701 West 168th Street, Rm. 301, Health Sciences campus of Columbia, sponsored by the Columbia University Graduate Student Organization. INFO: Vinny Aita 212-304-7999 COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY, NEW YORK CITY Thurs, Mar 26, 7 pm Fairchild Building, Morningside Heights Campus. (Enter campus at 116th Street and Broadway). Sponsored by the undergraduate Columbia Biological Society. INFO: Judith R. Gibber (212) 854-5952. Please contact Dr. Gibber in advance for exact room number! NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO "TALK OF THE NATION /SCIENCE FRIDAY" Fri, Mar 27 Hour 2 of the 2-hour live call-in broadcast will be devoted to "Gravity and AIR," Scientific American's Anti-Gravity columnist Steve Mirsky and AIR editor Marc Abrahams and SciFri host Ira Flatow will attempt to be funny about science. Check your local station or http://www.sciencefriday.com for schedule. CORNELL GRADUATE SCHOOL OF MEDICAL SCIENCES, NEW YORK CITY Fri, Mar 27, 6:30 pm In the Alumni Lounge of Olin Hall, 445 E. 69th St. INFO:Michelle Tourigny 212-639-2150 KFMB-AM 720, SAN DIEGO Thurs, Apr 2, 12:05 pm Live interview with Marc Abrahams SIGMA XI, SAN DIEGO STATE UNIV. Fri, Apr 3, 7:00 PM Chemistry/Geology Building at San Diego State University, Room 333. Joint event co-sponsored by Sigma Xi and USD and SDSU and other local universities. Everyone welcome! INFO: Marva West 619-594-5142 ASSOCIATION OF WOMEN IN SCIENCE MEETING, SAN DIEGO Sat, Apr 4 Special improbable research seminar as part of the AWIS meeting. INFO: Isabel Corcos . STANFORD UNIVERSITY, PALO ALTO, CA Wed, Apr 8, 7:30 pm Terman Auditorium, Terman Engineering Building. Featuring AIRheads Marc Abrahams, Scott Sandford, Jon Marks, et al. INFO: Michele Armstrong , (650) 723-1655 NASA AMES RESEARCH CENTER, MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA Thurs, April 9, noon. Featuring AIRheads Marc Abrahams and Scott Sandford. INFO: Michael Kaufman UC BERKELEY Thurs, Apr 9, 7:30 pm Valley Sciences Building, Room 2063. Sponsored by the Bay Area Skeptics. INFO: Patrick O'Reilly , 510-528-7884, http://www.hugin.imat.com/bas/ ARBORSOFT Fri, Apr 10, noon Private seminar on improbable research. Arborsoft community members only. SANTA FE INSTITUTE, SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO Thurs, Apr 16, noon. Talk/slide show on improbable research and the Ig Nobel Prizes INFO: Mark Newman 1998 WESTERN PSYCHOLOGY ASSOCIATION / ROCKY MOUNTAIN PSYCHOLOGY ASSOCIATION JOINT CONVENTION Fri, Apr 17, 1988, 1:00 pm Hyatt Regency Hotel, Albuquerque Convention Center, Albuquerque, NM. Special address by Marc Abrahams on the implications of improbable research on psychology, or vice versa. WEST COAST LIVE (PRI) Sat, Apr 18, 10am-noon PST Live radio broadcast from the Exploratorium in San Francisco. AIR editor Marc Abrahams will be one of the guests. It is also broadcast live on the Internet (http://www.wcl.org) INFO and/or tickets: 415-664-9500 EXPLORATORIUM, SAN FRANCISCO Sat, Apr 18, 3:00 pm 3601 Lyon Street, San Francisco. Full-blown AIR lecture/slide show with Marc Abrahams and other AIRheads. INFO: 415-563-7337, http://www.exploratorium.edu TEXAS (tentative, but maybe many events!) Soon! If you would like to host an event, please email 1998 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 8 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go on sale in August. LOS ANGELES Various events TBA January 1999 Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-17 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improb.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-18 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny version of AIR -- rather, it is a tiny supplement to the magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706 ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-04-19 Our Address (*) The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu GENERAL INFO (auto-responder): info@improb.com SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com WORLD WIDE WEB: http://www.improb.com/ We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a SASE in all printed correspondence. A monthly column of improbable computer-related items appears on the back page of Byte magazine. ELSEWHERE ON THE NET: * USENET: a weekly column appears in clari.tw.columns.imprb_research --------------------------- 1998-04-20 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1998, The Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@best.com) http://www.improb.com/ COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Ernest Ersatz, Craig Haggart, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================