PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1998-05 May, 1998 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1998-05-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1998-05-01 Table of Contents 1998-05-02 mini-Housekeeping 1998-05-03 What's New in AIR 1998-05-04 The Sentence of Death Contest 1998-05-05 How to Vaporize a Suitcase 1998-05-06 Scientific Adventure Stories, Chapter 97 1998-05-07 Scientific Correctness Survey #22: Preparing Tea 1998-05-08 Diet Research? 1998-05-09 Passivity Seen as Not Passe 1998-05-10 Cogno-Intellectual Disciplinarian 1998-05-11 The Best of George: "A Massive Perversion" 1998-05-12 Join the AIRhead Bunco Squad 1998-05-13 Project AIRhead 2000 1998-05-14 Nomenclature Apocalypse 2000, Part 1: Survey 1998-05-15 N. Apocalypse 2000, Part 2: Gateway to Innumeracy 1998-05-16 Spoo 1998-05-17 The Road Not Taken 1998-05-18 May We Recommend 1998-05-16 AIRhead Events 1998-05-17 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1998-05-18 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1998-05-19 Our Address (*) 1998-05-20 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. This is mini-AIR, a free monthly *supplement* to the print magazine Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-02 mini-Housekeeping AIR IN CAL AND TEX. The AIR tour (including a sacred copy of the recent book "The Best of Annals of Improbable Research" and a glass jar containing a specimen of Barney the dinosaur in formaldehyde) will return to southern California in June (details in the "events" section below), and will be descending on Texas in August or September. If you want to host an AIR event, please get in touch ASAP . Schedule updates will be posted on the AIR Web site (http://www.improb.com/projects/schedule.txt). ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-03 What's New in AIR Here are some alluring abstracts from volume 4, number 3 (the May/June 98 issue) of the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). It is a special Cough and Apology Issue. Highlights include: "Cough Frequency During My 9:00 a.m. Lecture, March 12, 1998," by Bertrand Dufy. The author presents data on both student cough frequency and instructor cough frequency. "An Apology to Women," by Sylvester Barnes. The author presents his controversial adaptation of a theory advanced by Deborah Tannen. He contends that way to make science palatable to more women is to begin and end a lecture by apologizing, and to apologize periodically during the lecture. "Cafeteria Review: The Waterways Experimental Station Cafeteria, Vicksburg, Mississippi," by Miriam Bloom. A hard-hitting, mouth- watering review of a fine dining facility that specializes in catfish and spaghetti. "Seasonal Contraction and Elongation of Tree Trunks," by Linda Kowalski and Geoffrey Auckinleck. The authors measured and photographed tree trunks in British Columbia during both the winter and summer seasons. They discovered that the length from ground level to tree-top is considerably shorter in winter than during summer. These and numerous other features await your perusal at the library (if it subscribes) or your doorstep (if you subscribe). A complete table of contents and a lovely reproduction of the issue's cover will eventually be posted on our web site http://www.improb.com, when and if our archivist (the Honorable Sean Hert) returns from his impressively lengthy honeymoon. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-04 The Sentence of Death Contest We are seeking examples of the very worst, most needlessly incomprehensible, sentence from a published scientific report. You may email your entry to us at but we want to see these things in their full, damnable glory, so please, please, please SNAIL MAIL a photocopy of the original page to: Sentence of Death Contest AIR PO Box 380853 Cambridge MA 02238 USA ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-05 How to Vaporize a Suitcase Last month we asked if anyone had first-hand knowledge as to what is the minimum power needed to convert luggage from solid to gaseous form (as is reportedly happening with the "Carry-on Luggage Profiler" device at the Des Moines International Airport). Here are some of the responses: Investigator Marti Wolfe: Based on the experience of my family flying into San Diego week before last, all you need to have your luggage vaporized is a ticket on any major airline. Investigator C. D. Tavares: The "Carry-on Luggage Profiler" is clearly designed not to measure the profile of carry-on luggage, but to enforce it. I expect that the manufacturer's next product will be geared toward improving airline seat comfort parameters. Investigator Louis G Lippman: There have been public warnings not to put undeveloped film through carry-on screeners. It would seem that any competent scientist should be able to take this phenomenon and make an estimate, i.e., there should be a known relationship between fogging and vaporization. Investigator Dave Thomson: You may want to check out an article I published in Applied Optics some years ago, Vol 32, No 33, Page 6818, 20 Nov 1993. In any case, I'll attempt a quick first approximation to your question. I'll make the following gross approximations: A typical 10 micron diameter particle may require a fluence of 100 J/cm to completely vaporize. This implies an energy deposition of about 8 x 10^-5 Joules. Assuming a density of 1.7 (which may be low for luggage), the particle would have a mass of about 5 x 10^-10 g. Putting this together shows that one would need about 1.5 x 10^5 J/g, or 150 MJ/Kg to vaporize a macroscopic object. Even with a 3 MW laser (impressive as that is), a small piece of luggage of several Kg would require several minutes to be vaporized. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-06 Scientific Adventure Stories, Chapter 97 Here is a new crop of firsthand scientific adventure stories. This one was sent by Investigator Nancy White: * * * I know that an alligator and a grad student run equally fast in opposite directions when one nearly steps on the other, and that the Florida jungle poison ivy canopy can send you to the hospital for some heavy cortisone shots in the behind. Far more dangerous, however, are the human foul-ups, such as crucial parts (e.g., drive shaft, hood, outboard motor from boat) flying off research vehicles after service by university mechanics, or "helpful" colleagues spraying bug killer on/in your tent as you are sleeping in it. * * * If you have a firsthand science adventure to report, please send it to ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-07 Scientific Correctness Survey #22: Preparing Tea It is time, once again, to choose and settle a burning (or at least boiling) scientific controversy. Here is this month's scientific correctness survey: What is the proper way to make a cup of tea? The facetious layman's answer is "invite it to a movie." If you have a better, noble, true, non-facetious, definitive answer, please write it up CONCISELY and send it to ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-08 Diet Research? This is a call for papers for AIR's upcoming special Diet Issue. Please send your research report on any aspect of diet, nutrition, and related topics to: Special Diet Issue AIR PO Box 380853 Cambridge MA 02238 USA We are looking for research *reports*. No "what-if" or other speculative disquisitions, please. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-09 Passivity Seen as Not Passe The following report was prepared by Miriam Bloom , editor of our new sub-publication "The Journal of the Passive Voice": "A great deal of pleasure was felt when this fine letter was received by me, who was appointed editor of the JPV. It was written by Ross Knights": * * * I was struck by the offer that had been recently presented to me via the Web to be allowed the opportunity for my work to be seen worldwide. The goal is considered imperative that the use of active voice will have been limited as much as possible, or will have been be stamped out utterly. The active voice has been eschewed in everything done by me, either written or spoken. Feelings can be spared and diplomacy improved by the application of some simple principles that are known to all educated speakers of English. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-10 Cogno-Intellectual Disciplinarian Project Cogno-Intellectual, our wide-ranging effort to introduce a new, prestigious, utterly meaningless word into official use, is spurring a renaissance of academic exploration. Witness this report from Stu Rosselet of the A. C. Clark Library at Bemidji State University: * * * I have often thought of encyclopedia publishers as slow to incorporate new scientific and cultural discoveries and methods into their publications. I certainly haven't expected them to pioneer such significant new disciplines or concepts as cogno- intellectualism. Imagine my surprise, then, to discover that the latest edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica boldly presents entire volumes on such subjects as Excretion Geometry, Geomorphic Immunity, Chicago Death, Arctic Biosphere, and even United Zoroastrianism. Yes, it's true! I have just come from looking at our library's new set and there, plain as day on the spines of the Macropedia, are such terms boldly emblazoned. Despite this news, however, I must sadly report that as forward looking as the Britannica has apparently become, I have scoured its index and pages and can find no trace of discourse about cogno-intellectualism. Perhaps maybe the next edition will rectify this key omission. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-11 The Best of George: "A Massive Perversion" Here is this month's chapter in our strangely ongoing feature, "The Best of George." This installment is called "A Massive Perversion." George is George Scherr. George, as regular readers will recall, has filed a lawsuit against our editor, Marc Abrahams, and against AIR. George wants us to (a) stop publishing AIR and (b) pay him $8.1 million (up from the $4.2 million he originally asked). George's accusations include conspiracy, fraud, trademark infringement, and (still our favorite!) racketeering. We have posted George's entire original complaint on our web site (http://www.improb.com). George is acting as his own lawyer. He has been returning to the courthouse every few weeks (for seven months now) to file new accusations, allegations, explanations, obfuscations, observations, disputations, photocopies, photocopies, photocopies, photocopies, photocopies, photocopies, and even a photograph of himself. Here is an excerpt from an omnibus document George filed on March 18: "Defendants argues[sic] that merely writing an article for a humor magazine under a pseudonym cannot be considered fraudulent especially since Plaintiff had no connection with the publication. It is the massive perversion of the writing of articles and the editing of articles by Defendant Abrahams which we allege was designed to depreciate the value of the Journal. Abrahams has admitted that as much as 50% of some of the issues of JIR were written by him under pseudonyms, so depreciating the value of the Journal by making it an outlet of his own literary aspirations." [Some background: the "JIR" mentioned here is "The Journal of Irreproducible Results," of which Marc is the former editor. In 1994, Marc and the Journal's founders and entire editorial staff (1955-94) left, and then created the Annals of Improbable Research.] * * * * * * If you would like to help us defray the legal expenses of fighting this absurd, improbable lawsuit (and receive a nifty certificate of thanks!), please send donations (whatever you can contribute -- $25, $50, or $100, will help) to the following address: Strategic AIR Defense Fund c/o Robert Dushman Brown, Rudnick, Freed & Gesmer One Financial Center Boston, MA 02111 Honorary co-chairs of the Defense Fund are Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, William Lipscomb, and Richard Roberts. If you have questions, please get in touch with Marc . Many of you have asked: (a) Does George really exist; and (b) does anything about this lawsuit make sense? The answer to the first question is: yes. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-12 Join the AIRhead Bunco Squad Please join us in cracking down on the wanton, unconscionable use of pen names. According to a revolutionary new theory (see previous item for details), people who use pen names in humor articles are committing massive perversion and fraud. Please help us track down the following fraudulent perverts: S. Clemens (aka "Mark Twain") C. Dickens (aka "Boz") C. Dodgson (aka "Lewis Carroll") B. Franklin (aka "Poor Richard") T. Geisel (aka "Dr. Seuss") H. Munro (aka "Saki") B. O'Nolan (aka "Flann O'Brien") S. Porter (aka "O. Henry") If you have info that could lead to the capture, prosecution, or literary dismemberment of any of these miscreants, or the identification of other such fraudulent perverts, please send it to: Massive Perversion & Fraud Division AIRhead Bunco Squad c/o AIR PO Box 380853 Cambridge MA 02238 USA All tips will be used as the basis for numerous lawsuits that may be filed in randomly chosen jurisdictions here, there, and everywhere. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-13 Project AIRhead 2000 Here are further selections from our ever-growing collection of things that have 2000 in their names. ITEM 339-8Y (submitted by investigator Larry Loesch) THE WOOSHMASTER 2000 ROTARY BLOWTORCH, A home built gas turbine engine made out an old turbocharger. The following link contains the details. Comes with sound samples! http://www.reality.demon.co.uk/gasturb1.htm ITEM 498498-498 (submitted by investigator Peter Kaiser) HAUSWART 2000, a one-day course for janitors and handymen to teach safety techniques. Cost CHF 290 per person. Given by the Swiss Info Center for Safety and Heating in Bergdietikon. ITEM RT4949-49 (submitted by investigator Brian Thomson) EUROCAB 2000, the new name for a taxicab manufactured by the Jubilee Automotive Group, based near Birmingham, England. The old name, which apparently did not fare well in the British marketplace, was the evocative "V2." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-14 Nomenclature Apocalypse 2000, Part 1: Survey Investigator Rob Middleton is conducting a Mini-Corporate Survey for the coming nomenclature apocalypse. Here is his report: * * * Your Project 2000 got me thinking again about corporations like 20th Century Fox and Century 21, and whether the turn of the century is going to have any affect on the reasoning behind their names (which, I must admit, I find opaque to begin with). To: Yours is truly one of the most recognizable companies in the world today!! I was wondering about the founding of the company, including the selection of the name "Century 21" and if you had any thoughts as to what you would do when in fact the 21st Century is upon us? Does that matter? Will your name change to Century 22, or will it remain the same? Thank you very much, Rob Middleton I received this reply: Thank you for your interest in century21.com. The answer to your question in your email is that our name will remain the same. Thank you for visiting the CENTURY21.com. ---CENTURY 21 Product Support At least there is one less unanswered question in the world now. (Still no word from 20th Century Fox, the ones who are in the real danger of becoming irrelevant.) ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-15 N. Apocalypse 2000, Part 2: Gateway to Innumeracy The nomenclature apocalypse is already underway. Investigators Jonathan Weinberg, Lee Seitz, Jordan Brown and many others send us copies of a report from Reuters wire service: "Gateway 2000 says it is officially dropping the '2000' from its name, introducing a redesigned logo and launching a new advertising campaign." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-16 Spoo Triumphant typo tattler Naomi Diesendruck and numerous others wrote to identify an unfortunate typo in last month's report on suggested names for "The Final Fade," the theorized slow, slow, slow, endless piffling away of the universe. Diesendruck details the damage: "In the item listed as: 'Ngab Gib (send by Jorge Boria, Janie Franks, et al.),' obviously there's a typo. It should be 'Gnab Gib.'" ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-17 The Road Not Taken AIRhead investigators P. Rowe and M. Abrahams wish to publicly thank the two stylishly bandana'd gentlemen who were equipped with black modern rifles and who issued a gestural invitation to explore terra incognita on the far side of a bridge during a research expedition in Baja California last month. Circumstances which investigators Rowe and Abrahams did not wish to become beyond their control dictated that the offer be declined. But maybe next time... ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-18 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) STROLLING IN STYLE "Leg movements of stick insects walking with five legs on a treadwheel and with one leg on a motor-driven belt. II. Leg coordination when step-frequencies differ from leg to leg," E. Foth, U. Bassler, Biological Cybernetics, vol. 51, no. 5, 1985, pp. 319-24. A WHIFF OF THE HEREAFTER "Fatal arrhythmia following deodorant inhalation: case report," R.C. Kamm, Forensic Science, vol. 5, no. 1, February 1, 1975, pp. 91-3. BOSTON TEA PARTY (THE SEQUEL) "Caffeine in Boston Harbor Seawater," R. Siegener, "EOS, Transactions of the American Geophysical Union," vol. 79, no. 17, p. 5187. (Thanks to Tom Gill for bringing this to our attention.) The authors deduce that: "Although efficiently metabolized by the human body, significant amounts of caffeine do make it into sewage systems. These factors along with the high water solubility of caffeine suggest that this compound may by used as tracer for anthropogenic inputs into Boston Harbor and Massachusetts Bay." ------------------------------------------------------------ 1998-05-16 AIRhead Events ==> Want to host an event? E-mail to or call 617-491-4437. ALTERNATIVELY, please call W.H. Freeman Publishers, the publisher of the book "Best of AIR," at 212-576-9423 ==> For updates of this schedule, For updates of this schedule, see http://www.improb.com/projects/schedule.txt or email . AMERICAN ASTRONOMICAL SOCIETY MEETING, San Diego Wed, June 10 Special banquet talk on astronomical advances in improbable research. INFO: Paul Etzel LOS ANGELES SCIENCE FICTION SOCIETY Thurs, June 18 LASFS meeting at 8 m (all welcome!); AIR show starts approx 9 pm. 11513 Burbank Blvd, North Hollywood. INFO: http://www.lasfs.org, or Jordan Brown 818-760-9234 NATIONAL SOCIETY OF NEWSPAPER COLUNISTS MEETING Sat, June 20 San Diego. AIR editor Marc Abrahams will be part of a panel discussion on humor writing. TEXAS (tentative, but maybe many events!) Late Aug/ early Sept 1998 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 8 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go on sale in August. LOS ANGELES Various events TBA January 1999 Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-17 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improb.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-18 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny version of AIR -- rather, it is a tiny supplement to the magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706 ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-05-19 Our Address (*) The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu GENERAL INFO (auto-responder): info@improb.com SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com WORLD WIDE WEB: http://www.improb.com/ We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a SASE in all printed correspondence. A monthly column of improbable computer-related items appears on the back page of Byte magazine. ELSEWHERE ON THE NET: * USENET: a weekly column appears in clari.tw.columns.imprb_research --------------------------- 1998-05-20 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1998, The Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@best.com) http://www.improb.com/ COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Ernest Ersatz, Craig Haggart, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================