PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1998-06 June, 1998 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1998-06-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1998-06-01 Table of Contents 1998-06-02 mini-Housekeeping 1998-06-03 What's New in AIR 1998-06-04 Fiorella for "Astro Spice" 1998-06-05 Sentence of Death: You Can Count on Kant 1998-06-06 Trolling for Ig 1998-06-07 Tea, Tea, Tea 1998-06-08 Scientific Correctness Survey #23: Cat Napping 1998-06-09 Cogno-Intellectual Californians 1998-06-11 Good News: The Judge Threw Out George's Suit (but...) 1998-06-12 The Best of George: "Stop Pontificating" 1998-06-13 AIR Vents 1998-06-14 Hapless Help Survey 1998-06-15 More Massive Perverts 1998-06-16 Project AIRhead Former-2000 1998-06-17 Project AIRhead 2000 1998-06-18 May We Recommend 1998-06-19 AIRhead Events 1998-06-20 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1998-06-21 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1998-06-22 Our Address (*) 1998-06-23 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. This is mini-AIR, a free monthly *supplement* to the print magazine Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-02 mini-Housekeeping HAZARDS OF MATRIMONY Our beloved web archivist has vanished body and soul after his recent marriage. If you have some spare web space, a reasonably fast server, a hankering to be an AIR volunteer archivist, and a personal life that permits you access to the Internet, please get in touch with our Webmaster and Global Village Idiot, Amy Gorin . DO YOU CIRCULATE? AIR's esteemed circulation director is retiring. If you are in the Cambridge (MA -- not UK or MD!) area and are incline to undertake a part-time clockwise endeavor, please call us at 617-491-4437. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-03 What's New in AIR We (and your ever-ready-to-sponge-off-you friends) hope you will subscribe to the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). (What you're reading now is mini-AIR, which is but a tiny electronic supplement to the print magazine). The Jul/Aug 98 issue(vol. 4, no. 4) is a special Animal Behavior Issue. Here are some alluring abstracts: "Tastes Like Chicken?" by Joe Staton. The author tests his appetizing theory about the flavor relationships of various cooked "exotic" meats. He concludes that a good many meats available to human beings "taste like tetrapod." "Does a Cat Always Land on Its Feet?" by Fiorella Gambale. The author conducts a series of tests to determine a cat's ability to land on its feet. The cat is dropped from heights of 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1 feet, one hundred times from each level. Includes photos. "Nobel Interview: Martin Perl and Laureate X," by Marc Abrahams. In an interview conducted before a live audience at Stanford University, Nobel Physics Prize winner Martin Perl and another laureate (who wishes to be unnamed) candidly discuss their experiences with bubble gum. (A complete table of the issue's contents and a lovely reproduction of the cover will eventually be posted on our web site http://www.improbable.com, as soon as we find a replacement for our dearly departed archivist.) ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-04 Fiorella for "Astro Spice" As all the world knows, the Spice Girls are in desperate need of a new Spice Girl. Please join the Annals of Improbable Research in our campaign to replace the departed Ginger Spice with someone who exemplifies not just Girl Power, but also Science Power and Celestial Sexy-Pop Music Power. That someone is -- that someone could only be -- Dr. Fiorella Terenzi, aka "the Diva Doc," aka "the Astrobabe." Dr. Terenzi's web site http://www.fiorella.com seems to be down at the moment, but you can also find info about her at http://kspace.com/terenzi or by doing a web search. Comments? Send them here to ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-05 Sentence of Death: You Can Count on Kant Illness-inducing entries have been pouring over the transom here at Sentence of Death Contest headquarters. The contest seeks examples of the very worst, most needlessly incomprehensible, sentence from a published scientific report. Dan Goldstein has unearthed a majestic candidate. It is a footnote from Kant's "Groundwork of the Metaphysic of Morals": "A maxim is the subjective principle of a volition: an objective principle (that is, one which would also serve subjectively as a practical principle for all rational beings if reason had full control over the faculty of desire) is a practical law." Many of you sent entries that contain obtuse equations or monstrous mathematical lemmas. The judges have ruled that such sentences constitute unfair competition (one judge called them "as indigestible as slow-roasted bullion cubes"). Henceforth only prose, please. Email your entry to us at but also please, please, please SNAIL MAIL a photocopy of the original page to: Sentence of Death Contest AIR PO Box 380853 Cambridge MA 02238 USA ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-06 Trolling for Ig The Eighth First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony approacheth. If you know a worthy individual whose achievement "cannot or should not be reproduced" in the fields of Physics, Chemistry, Biology, Medicine, Economics, Literature, Peace, or anything else, please send us a nomination ASAP. All nominations will be treated in confidence and probably thrown away, unless you specify otherwise. Send to: (The ceremony will be held Thursday, October 8 at Harvard's Sanders Theatre. Tickets go on sale in August.) ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-07 Tea, Tea, Tea It is time, once again, to choose and settle a burning (or at least boiling) scientific controversy. Scientific correctness survey #22 asked: What is the proper way to make a cup of tea? Answers poured in from every nation that is or ever was affiliated with the British empire, and from everywhere else. Some of these micro, mini, and macro-tomes will be boiled down into AIR's forthcoming Special Tea-and-Coffee Issue. Here is a high tea sampler of what's arrived so far. Investigator Howard Richards: "Here is my *concise* method. Being English I can of course nullify all other claims to better methods. QED Where W=water, K=kettle, E=power, H=hot water, L=tea leaves, P=teapot, T=tea (black), C=cup, S=sugar and M=milk, []=optional H = W + K + E T = P + H + L + C .: T = P + W + K + E + L + C and T' = T + [S] + [M] Investigator Sarah Davnall: "What is the proper way to make a cup of tea? For two." Investigator Wolf Roder: "What is the proper way to make a cup of tea? Absolutely not, ever. Let the women do it." Investigator K. Waldo Enns: "Easy: 1. Rinse teapot with boiling water. 2. Put a heaping tablespoon of tea for each cup desired in the pot. 3. Pour boiling water in pot. 4. Let tea steep for at least one minute. 5. Pour tea down drain and pour yourself three fingers of Scotch. 6. Enjoy." Investigators Peter Twigg and Alan Craig unearthed an Official View of the subject. Pens Twigg: "I don't want to stifle debate, but there IS a definitive way to make tea, at least in Britain. British Standard BS6008:1980, 'Method of preparation of a liquor of tea for use in sensory tests', not only defines how tea should be made but also the size and shape of the tea pot and tea cup used. Unfortunately this standard has gone almost completely unnoticed and I have yet to see a cafe with a sign proudly stating, 'This tea conforms to BS6008'." If you have a better, nobler, truer, tastier answer, please write it up CONCISELY and send it to ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-08 Scientific Correctness Survey #23: Cat Napping This month's new scientific correctness survey deals with a most controversial question. It is time to settle this matter once and for all: Why do cats sleep twisted on their backs? Please send your survey answer to ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-09 Cogno-Intellectual Californians Project Cogno-Intellectual, our mild-mannered effort to insinuate a new, prestigious, utterly meaningless word into the mouthings of officials, is having its effect here, there, and on the west coast of North America. We have received encouraging reports of heady cogno-intellectual activity in the San Fernando, Silicon, and Death valleys of California. Please continue to do your bit to introduce this wonderfully worthless artificial phrase -- "cogno-intellectual" -- into the everyday language of They Who Insist on Using Jargon. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-11 Good News: The Judge Threw Out George's Suit (but...) On May 29, the judge in Chicago threw out George Scherr's lawsuit against us, ruling that Illinois courts have no jurisdiction on the matter. George, who lives conveniently near the Chicago courthouse, is now trying to reverse that decision. On a second front, George is continues to pursue his campaign to have the US Patent and Trademark Office give him ownership of the phrase "Ig Nobel Prize." The Trademark Office has already rejected George's claim, but George has filed several appeals. For more details, see the AIR web site http://www.improbable.com ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-12 The Best of George: "Stop Pontificating" Here is this month's chapter in our strangely ongoing feature, "The Best of George." This installment is called "Stop Pontificating." George is George Scherr. George, as regular readers will recall, has filed a lawsuit against our editor, Marc Abrahams, and against AIR. George wants us to (a) stop publishing AIR and (b) pay him $8.1 million (up from the $4.2 million he originally asked). George's accusations include conspiracy, fraud, trademark infringement, and (still our favorite!) racketeering. We have posted George's entire original complaint on our web site (http://www.improbable.com). George is acting as his own lawyer, filing papers, papers, papers, papers, papers, papers, papers, and also deposing Marc. Here is another excerpt from the official (more than 400 pages) deposition transcript. The Mr. Dushman mentioned here is Marc's lawyer: * * * * * * GEORGE: Mr. Abrahams, I showed you this book that you edited, Sex as a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble, and ask you who is shown there to own the copyright? And would you read the first sentence off to me, please. MARC: And I believe I explained that to you several times- GEORGE: Would you please read the first sentence. MARC: I believe I've explained- GEORGE: I asked you a question. MARC: I believe I've explained to you several times that I own the copyright. GEORGE: Mr. Abrahams, if you don't stop pontificating and answer the questions I will abandon this interview and we will ask the judge to supervise from now on. All I'm asking is that you answer the question. Either you don't know- MR. DUSHMAN: He has answered the question. GEORGE: No, sir, he hasn't. MR. DUSHMAN: He answered it approximately, oh, three hours ago. GEORGE: Three hours ago? MR. DUSHMAN: 10 and 11, that's right, so why is the answer going to be different now? GEORGE: Because he keeping [sic] contradicting himself. I have two answers now. MR. DUSHMAN: He said the same thing this afternoon as he said this morning. * * * * * * If you would like to help us defray the still-growing legal expenses of fighting this absurd, improbable lawsuit (and receive a nifty certificate of thanks!), please send donations (whatever you can contribute -- $25, $50, or $100, will help) to the following address: Strategic AIR Defense Fund c/o Robert Dushman Brown, Rudnick, Freed & Gesmer One Financial Center Boston, MA 02111 Honorary co-chairs of the Defense Fund are Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, William Lipscomb, and Richard Roberts. If you have questions, please get in touch with Marc . Many of you have asked (a) if George really exists and, (b) if he really believes any of his own accusations. The answer to question (a) is "yes." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-13 AIR Vents NOMEN-ENTOMOLOGIST FORD Investigative team Elise Matthesen, John Ladwig, and John M. Ford arbit: What with all the collecting of Product 2000 and Company 2000 names, your publication has raised our level of awareness about millenium-related nomenclature. Accordingly, Mr. Ford refers to the modern Volkswagen, recently released, and even more recently recalled, as the Millenium Bug. BLOW FOR THE TRUTH Investigator Sloane Lederer reports: Thought you'd like to know that the controversial book "The Best of Annals of Improbable Research" is prominently featured face out by the register at KramerBooks on Dupont Circle in Washington. It's the first thing you see when you walk in the store. (FYI: This is the store that Ken Starr served a supoena demanding to know which books Monica Lewinsky bought there.) HEAD CASE Investigator F.H. Lester generously invites collaboration on his or her research project: I have a headache and my feet itch. Why? How do I stop it? ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-14 Hapless Help Survey Please assist us with our newest project, the Hapless Help Survey. It was suggested by investigator Paul Koch, who writes: I serendipitously came across an example of utter witlessnesses. This from the "TR-20 Computer Program Users Manual" of 1983: "When input data do not conform to what are expected by the computer, the computer may try to make a standard fixup. Depending upon the seriousness of the error, the results may or may not be accurate." Koch and we invite you send examples of equally hapless help. Send to ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-15 More Massive Perverts Multitudes of mini-AIR readers have joined us the pursuit of evil authors who make wanton, unconscionable use of pen names. The pursuit is based on a new theory advanced by George Scherr [see mini-AIR 1998-05 for details], that people who use pen names in humor articles are committing "massive perversion" and "fraud." Here some new reports from our detectives: Investigator David Gehrig reports: In 1756 massive perversion and fraud was perpetrated in France (and it's tempting to end the sentence here) when a mysterious "Dr. Ralph" published a small novel named "Candide or, Optimism." Later it was revealed that the work was actually written by some despicable character who called himself "Voltaire," although his real name was Francois-Marie Arouet. The man is thus a double fraud as well as a massively massy perverter, and I suggest you stay clear of him. Investigator Matthias Lauterer reports: In Germany we have such fraudulants, too. A good example is: Robert Gernhardt, who uses the names "Hans Mentz" and "Luetzel Jeman" (in German "jemand" means "someone") Investigator Barry Clark reports (and others echo): Pray do not forget the collection of midcentury mathematical scoundrels writing subversive prose under the soubriquet of "Nicolas Bourbaki". If you have info that could lead to the capture or identification of other such fraudulent, massive perverts, please send it to: AIRhead Bunco Squad, Massive Perversion & Fraud Division ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-16 Project AIRhead Former-2000 Here is another selection from our ever-growing collection of things that once had 2000 in their names, but no longer do. ITEM 4040880 (Submitted by investigator Wm. Dean Morewood) The former CANADA 2000 became CANADA 3000. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-17 Project AIRhead 2000 Here are further selections from our ever-growing collection of things that have 2000 in their names. ITEM 190909 (submitted by investigators E.J. Barnes and P. Kaiser) FISHER-PRICE PXL 2000, a sub-$100 video, introduced in 1987, that recorded on standard audio cassettes. ITEM 6996 (submitted by investigator Dave Maddox) MICHIKO LONDON 2000 CONDOMS. 12 condoms in a stylish designer box featuring the Union Jack on the front.Available colors - pink and light blue. Price JPY 2000. IN RE ITEM 50398... Investigator Earle Spamer and his friend Jane discovered a report in the Philadelphia Inquirer, June 16, 1998, p. D3: "Powertrusion 2000 International Inc. has come out with a new utility pole, made from the same synthetic materials that make the military's Apache attack helicopters virtually bulletproof." The web site, http://www.powertrusion.com, says the pole contains materials used in the B-2 bomber, and gives this terse yet informative B2-ish info: "Statement of Environmental Impact - Deforestation - Power Leakage - Truck Damage to Envioronment [sic] in Transport" ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-18 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) ANTS INCLUDED "Picnic headaches," R.S. Singer, "Headache. Meeting of the Italian Headache Society," vol. 25, no. 2, Mar. 1985, p. 113. NUMBER CRUNCHING "Fracture Force, Hardness and Brittleness in Crisp Bread, with a Generalized Regression Analysis approach to Instrument-Sensory Comparisons," Y. Andersson, B. Drake, et al., "Journal of Texture Studies," vol. 4, 1973, pp. 119-44. (Thanks to M.X. Lesser for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1998-06-19 AIRhead Events ==> Want to host an event? E-mail to or call 617-491-4437. ALTERNATIVELY, please call W.H. Freeman Publishers, the publisher of the book "Best of AIR," at 212-576-9423 ==> For updates of this schedule, For updates of this schedule, see http://www.improbable.com/projects/schedule.txt TEXAS (tentative, but maybe many events!) Late Aug/ early Sept 1998 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 8 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go on sale in August. WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY, ST. LOUIS Wed, Oct 21 Details to be announced. INFO: Carl M. Bender LOS ANGELES, Various events TBA January 1999 Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-20 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improbable.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-21 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny version of AIR -- rather, it is a tiny supplement to the magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706 ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-06-22 Our Address (*) Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improbable.com GENERAL INFO (auto-responder): info@improb.com WORLD WIDE WEB: http://www.improbable.com/ We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a SASE in all printed correspondence. ELSEWHERE ON THE NET: * USENET: a weekly column appears in clari.tw.columns.imprb_research --------------------------- 1998-06-23 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1998, Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@best.com) http://www.improbable.com/ COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Ernest Ersatz, Craig Haggart, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================