PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1998-07 July, 1998 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1998-07-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1998-07-01 Table of Contents 1998-07-02 mini-Housekeeping 1998-07-03 What's New in AIR 1998-07-04 AIRhead PetBank 1998-07-05 Sentence of Death: "Discussed at Length" 1998-07-06 Ig Notes 1998-07-07 A Half-Pig, Half-Dog Called Schweinhund 1998-07-08 Cogno-Intellectual Drama in New Zealand 1998-07-09 Scientific Correctness Survey #28: Evolution 1998-07-10 New Twists on Cat Napping 1998-07-11 Tea Controversy: Roil Brittania 1998-07-12 In Re George 1998-07-13 Hapless Help Survey 1998-07-14 Project AIRhead Former-2000 1998-07-15 Project AIRhead 2000 1998-07-16 May We Recommend 1998-07-17 AIRhead Events 1998-07-18 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1998-07-19 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1998-07-20 Our Address (*) 1998-07-21 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. This is mini-AIR, a free monthly *e-supplement* to the print magazine Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-02 mini-Housekeeping A hearty Welcome, Welcome! to AIR's new Circulation Director, Maryann Williams, and HotAIR's new Tender of the AIRchives, Dawnne Gee. Within the next few weeks, the mighty AIR circulation database and the web archive (http://www.improbable.com) of AIR back issues should be fully up-to-date. Thanks to Clockwise Twersky and Sean Hert for their cheerful good work over the past few years! ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-03 What's New in AIR The inner recesses of your mind suggest that you subscribe to the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). The Jul/Aug 98 issue (vol. 4, no. 4) is a special Animal Behavior Issue. The contents include: | FOR FULL TEXT (including lurid photographs) | | OF THE ARTICLES ABSTRACTED IN MINI-AIR | | SEE THE CURRENT ISSUE OF AIR. | "Biology of the Family Chiaceae (Chia Pets)," by Eric J. Weissberger. The members of this family, popularly known as "Chia pets," may be a missing link between plants and animals. Each spends part of its life in a an animal phase, and part in an animal phase. (Includes photos.) "The Turtle and the Clam," by Mike Plummer. Photographic evidence of what happened when a turtle tried to take a bite out of a very large clam. "How Dogs Use Rational Choice Theory," by Torcuata S. DiTella. The author uses one of social science's crowning achievements -- rational choice theory -- to explain how his dog behaves upon first encountering a neighbor dog. The result: yet another triumph for social science. "How Bees Do It," by Paul Fitzpatrick. The author presents evidence for his radically simple theory of how bees navigate. Bees in the hive generate electrical sparks with their legs. Collectively these electromagnetic discharges turn each hive into a sort of uniquely identifiable "radio" beacon. "Film Review: 'The Grizzly Project'", by Alice Shirrell Kaswell. This is the first movie review ever to appear in AIR. The documentary shows Canadian inventor Troy Hurtubise's lengthy quest by to design, build --and especially!-- test a high-tech suit of armor. Hurtubise's goal: to be able to safely commune with an adult grizzly bear. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-04 AIRhead PetBank Congratulations to the Hawaiian team that has cloned two generations of mice. Building on their work, and that of their colleagues who worked with sheep and cows, we proudly announce a new consumer service -- the AIRhead PetBank. Cats, dogs, gerbils, rabbits, ferrets, sheep and other pets share one major commercial defect. Each pet has a limited lifespan and is considered to be "irreplaceable." Our service addresses the sudden craving to see, touch, and smell Old Fluffy's unique appearance, texture, and scent. We will replace the hitherto irreplaceable. Here's how the AIRhead PetBank works. While your pet is alive -- or even if you catch us soon enough after the pet's engine has ceased functioning -- one of our technicians will take a simple cell scraping. With sufficient notice (approximately the gestational time of your pet's species), we will supply a replacement guaranteed to look, sound, smell, and shed just like Old Fluffy did. We also offer a Preferred Customer option. For a monthly fee, we will even prepare and store replacement copies of your pet, available for delivery on a moment's notice. More about this next month. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-05 Sentence of Death: "Discussed at Length" Investigator Earle Spamer has disentombed this month's chosen item in the Sentence of Death Contest. (The contest seeks examples of the very worst, most needlessly incomprehensible, sentence from a published scientific report.) Here it is: "The genus ^Erhaia^ vs ^Pseudobythinella^ Davis et al (1992) discussed at length, on the basis of their research, why ^Erhaia^ should be placed in the synonymy of of [sic] ^Pseudobythinella^ Liu and Zhang 1979 where the type species of the latter genus was described from China." (p. 421) This lyrical prose comes from the paper: "Advances in systematics of ^Erhaia^ (Gastropoda:Pomatiopsidae) from the People's Republic of China," George M. Davis and Bin Kang Zai, "Proceedings of the Academy of Natural Sciences of Philadelphia," vol. 146, 1995, pp. 391-427. Spamer reports of this passage that "even in context, it doesn't read any differently." [Email your entry to us at but please also SNAIL MAIL us a photocopy of the original page.] ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-06 Ig Notes Tickets for the Eighth First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony will go on sale in mid August, at the Sanders Theatre Box Office (details in next month's mini-AIR). The ceremony will be held Thursday evening, October 8 at Harvard's Sanders Theatre. INTERNET & NPR The Ceremony will be telecast live on the Internet. A specially edited version will be broadcast later in the year on NPR's "Talk of the Nation / Science Friday" program. COLLEGE RADIO The Ig will also be broadcast live on Harvard radio WHRB. If your college station would like to link up to the WHRB network for this event, please email ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-07 A Half-Pig, Half-Dog Called Schweinhund The June 15 issue of "Chemistry & Industry" brings news of a tremendous advance in ice cream technology. Because ice cream sticks to surfaces during the freezing process, molders of the sweet treat have been unable to make deliciously detailed 3-D shapes. Scientists at the admirably named Air Products in Basingstoke, UK, apparently have solved the problem. Their first tangible result is described as "the world's first 3-D ice cream lolly -- a half-pig, half-dog called a schweinhund." Air Products is not affiliated with the revered science journal Annals of Improbable Research. Nevertheless, we at AIR salute the men and women at Air for their nourishingly noble work. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-08 Cogno-Intellectual Drama in New Zealand Investigator Dale M. Nurden presents the following problem, which has New Zealand in a potential snit: "I desperately want to take part in Project Cogno-Intellectual, now that I've learnt how to pronounce it, but my dilemma is thus: On the one hand I would like to spread the word in my corner of the sphere, so that I can smugly stand back and feed my superiority complex while They Who Insist on Using Jargon make fools of themselves. "However, in order to get the word into circulation, I will have to use it myself. That opens the possibility that some other AIRhead may catch ME using the word, and mistakenly think that *I* am one of They Who Insist on Using Jargon. So how do I solve the dilemma? Do I start from the outside and work my way in, or just use a spoon?" ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-09 Scientific Correctness Survey #28: Evolution This month's new Scientific Correctness Survey is: Some people, including Alabama Governor Fob James, claim that Darwin's theory of evolution is dead wrong. This month's question is: Did human beings evolve from ape-like creatures? __ Yes __ No __ Not in Alabama __ Other (please specify) Please help us settle, once and for all, this raging controversy. Send your answer to ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-10 New Twists on Cat Napping Last month's new Scientific Correctness Survey raised the delicate issue: Why do cats sleep twisted on their backs? Investigator Sara V. Otto took a largely observational approach to the question: "I have seven cats and all sleep twisted on their backs. I believe they copy each other and probably have for a very long time." Investigator Rob Cumberland took a formal approach: "Feline recumbency inversion is just one of many soporific prostration strategies we see in the whole field of postural narcosis metrics and analysis. Interestingly, it was the subject of my third Ph.D." Many researchers (Dan Strick, Betsey O'Neil, A. Cresset, Jonathan Martin, Marc Aurel, et al.)supplied us with the so-called trivial solution: "Because they can." Investigator Sue Heim elaborated on that theme: "My cat *does* sleep on his back, and I can provide only two definitive reasons for such behavior: 1. Because he CAN. 2. Because he's cute when he does it (and knows he gets extra treats for cuteness)." Other explanations: "To take up as much room as they possibly can on the bed." (Sandy Brooks) "Because they dream about landing on their feet." (Blair P. Houghton) "99.46% of cats sleep because they are tired. The rest have itchy backs." (Stan Godes) More next month. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-11 Tea Controversy: Roil Britannia Our Scientific Correctness Survey #22 asked: What is the proper way to make a cup of tea? We received hundreds of responses. One of the more determined came from investigator Richard Farmer, who insists that "the traditional British method of making a good cup a tea" is: 1. Boil and cool water in a kettle for a minimum of ten years, never draining the water or cleaning the kettle. The kettle must have a nice thick calcium ring inside the kettle, it retains flavour and brings out the true taste of the tea. 2. Purchase the absolutely cheapest brand of `floor dustings' tea. This is the `finest' brand of tea, as it is very finely chopped and has matured on the floor of a third world tea factory. 3. Place on counter eight tea cups. In the first cup, place one tea bag. Fill first cup with lukewarm water. Drain tea bag and place in second cup and fill with lukewarm water. Continue until eighth cup. 4. In eighth cup, pour either cream or milk, to ones desired level of choice and same with sugar. 5. Accidentally, spill tea into saucer, pour back into cup, repeat until bored. 6. Let tea sit until cold. 7. Throw out first seven cups of tea, it was only a filter to remove the goodness of the tea bag. 8. Nap. 9. Drink, if needed, the cup of cold, weak tea. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-12 In Re George July is summertime in the northern hemisphere, and in the spirit of summer holiday, we will spare you exposure to another excerpt of the strange sage, "The Best of George." Here, in brief, is what's happened since last month. After the judge in Chicago threw out George's lawsuit against us (on the grounds that the court has no jurisdiction on the matter), George demanded that the judge reverse himself. The judge declined to do so. George then filed two separate appeals, one of which he then withdrew. George is also still trying to persuade the US Patent and Trademark Office give him ownership of the phrase "Ig Nobel Prize." The Trademark Office has already rejected George's claim, but George has filed several appeals. Details are on the AIR web site http://www.improbable.com * * * * * * If you would like to help us defray the still-growing legal expenses of fighting this absurd, improbable lawsuit (and receive a nifty certificate of thanks!), please send donations (whatever you can contribute -- $25, $50, or $100, will help) to the following address: Strategic AIR Defense Fund c/o Robert Dushman Brown, Rudnick, Freed & Gesmer One Financial Center Boston, MA 02111 Honorary co-chairs of the Defense Fund are Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, William Lipscomb, and Richard Roberts. If you have questions, please get in touch with Marc . ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-13 Hapless Help Survey Investigator Michael L. Robinson reports this item for our Hapless Help Survey. It is reportedly from a Fortran manual for Xerox computers. (We fervently hope this is not apocryphal -- if anyone has a copy of the manual, please mail us a Xerox of the page): "The primary purpose of the Data statement is to give names constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable Pi can be given that value with a Data statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-14 Project AIRhead Former-2000 Here is another selection from our ever-growing collection of things that once had 2000 in their names, but no longer do. ITEM 3401 (Reported in the Sydney Morning Herald and submitted by investigator Robert Clements.) "TWENTIETH CENTURY LADIES HAIRDRESSERS" in Merrylands, a suburb of Sydney, is now "TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY LADIES HAIRDRESSERS." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-15 Project AIRhead 2000 Here are further selections from our ever-growing collection of things that have 2000 in their names. ITEM 8302 (Submitted by investigator Gordon Barr) DRIVEWAYS 2000, a company which advertises on billboards in Central Station, Glasgow, Scotland. The slogan is ""Driveways 2000 - Cover your driveways for the millennium" ITEM 99 (submitted by investigators K. Tomazi, R Spainhower, and many others) VICTORIA'S SECRET ANGEL 2000 BRAS. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-16 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) IN THE NATURE OF THINGS? "Why do females care more than males?" D.C. Queller, "Proceedings of the Royal Society of London Series B Biological Sciences," vol. 264, no. 1388, 1997, pp. 1555-7. (Thanks to Wendy Cooper for bringing this to our attention.) IN THE NURTURE OF THINGS? "Frequency of Pubic Hair Transfer During Sexual Intercourse," D.L. Exline, F.P. Smith, and S.G. Drexler, "Journal of Forensic Sciences," vol. 43, no. 3, 1998, pp. 505-8. (Reluctant thanks to Albert Nelson for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1998-07-17 AIRhead Events ==> Want to host an event? E-mail to or call 617-491-4437. ALTERNATIVELY, please call W.H. Freeman Publishers, the publisher of the book "Best of AIR," at 212-576-9423 ==> For updates of this schedule, For updates of this schedule, see http://www.improbable.com/projects/schedule.txt TEXAS (tentative, but maybe many events!) Late Aug/ early Sept 1998 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 8 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go on sale in August. WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY, ST. LOUIS Wed, Oct 21 Details to be announced. INFO: Carl M. Bender LOS ANGELES, Various events TBA January 1999 Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-18 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improbable.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-19 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny version of AIR -- rather, it is a tiny supplement to the magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-07-20 Our Address (*) Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improbable.com GENERAL INFO (auto-responder): info@improb.com WORLD WIDE WEB: http://www.improbable.com/ ELSEWHERE ON THE NET: * USENET: a weekly column appears in clari.tw.columns.imprb_research --------------------------- 1998-07-21 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1998, Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@best.com) http://www.improbable.com/ COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Ernest Ersatz, Craig Haggart, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================