PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1998-11 November, 1998 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1998-11-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1998-11-01 Table of Contents 1998-11-02 mini-Housekeeping 1998-11-03 What's New in AIR 1998-11-04 Red Tape Survey 1998-11-05 Gnat Knowledge 1998-11-06 Cat Behavior (1) 1998-11-07 Cat Behavior (2) 1998-11-08 Cat Song Survey 1998-11-09 AIR Vents: Notions About Names 1998-11-10 'Tis the Cogno-Intellectual Season 1998-11-11 Swimsuits, Please 1998-11-12 Amongst the Betweens 1998-11-13 Sentence of Death: Describe a Specifier 1998-11-14 Ig Audio Files on the Web 1998-11-15 Danger Under a Bed 1998-11-16 Final Response 1998-11-17 Project AIRhead 2000 1998-11-18 May We Recommend 1998-11-19 AIRhead Events 1998-11-20 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1998-11-21 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1998-11-22 Our Address (*) 1998-11-23 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. mini-AIR is a free monthly *e-supplement* to AIR, the bi-monthly print magazine ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-02 mini-Housekeeping 1. HOLIDAY SURPRISE. If you are giving (yourself?) a gift subscription to AIR and would like the first issue to arrive before the holidays, send in your order SOOOOOOOOOOOOON, please! 2. SURVEY SIMPLICITY. You can now respond to AIR surveys directly from our web site www.improbable.com 3. THE HORROR. At every year's end we overhaul and improve(?) the traveling AIR show. If you would like to subject your group to the splendid horror of being a test audience, and you are in the Boston area, please call or email us ASAP at 617-491-4437 ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-03 What's New in AIR If you need some reading material to stave off sleep or work, subscribe to the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). The Nov/Dec 98 issue (vol. 4, no. 6) is a special Money & Math Issue. Among the contents: "The Next Credit Card," by Stanley A. Rudin and Dorian Rudin. The authors describe the next, impressively potent, type of credit card. It follows scientifically in the line of Silver Cards, Gold Cards, and Platinum Cards. It is, of course, the Plutonium Card. "The Underwater Economy: Coins in Ponds," by Matthew W. Gertz and Glenda A. Gertz. The authors review current economic theories as to how so many coins come to be found in ponds. They use all the rigor that is typical of economics research. "A Day in the Life," by L.C. Parmenter. This page from the diary of a working physicist delineates, in plain, simple prose, the panoply of sleep, food, fashion, physics, and micturation that dominates his daily working life. "Nobel Thoughts: Robert Wilson," by Marc Abrahams. In a candid interview, the co-discoverer of the cosmic microwave background discusses his secrets for finding a parking spot and his hitherto unpublicized experiment of dropping a cat. The full table of contents, as well as excerpts from several articles, will be posted on the AIR web site http://www.improbable.com. | FOR FULL TEXT (including lurid photographs) | | OF THE ARTICLES ABSTRACTED HERE | | SEE THE ACTUAL ISSUE OF AIR. | ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-04 Red Tape Survey We proudly announce the Official AIR Red Tape Survey. If you work in a bureaucracy of any size, you are invited to take part. Here's how. Please place an order, through your normal supply channels, for a small quantity of red tape. Then record the following data: _____Number of people you had to deal with _____Number of forms or letters you had to prepare _____Number of phone calls, or email you had to generate _____Length of time until the tape arrived _____Other pertinent data (please specify, succinctly) Please send your survey response to . ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-05 Gnat Knowledge Last month we presented investigator J. Legge's question, "Why does that little cloud of gnats stay exactly one foot ahead of me, no matter which direction I turn or whatever distance I walk?" Here is some of the knowledge that accreted in response. "Because you don't look closely enough at the ground. Nor do you almost walk into walls." --Tom Roberts "This clearly relates to the impact of pheromones on gnat behaviour - some perfumes clearly repel - hence, the one foot ahead (or perhaps, more accurately, one head ahead), while some attract - hence, the enveloping effect." --Tom Wilson "Gnats are attracted to the carbon dioxide vapors given off from breathing, and about 12 inches is the density height of said vapors." --Linda Anderson "That is only an artifact of our bipedal frame of reference. Gnats do not actually move, but when they are "blue-shifted" we see them; when we stop walking, we can't see them yet we feel them in our ears. Gnats never appear to be moving away from us. A similar analysis applies to the gnat's apparent ability to fly and hover at the edge of the nasal event horizon." --Dr. J.P. Alsobrook II "Gnats find near, dense objects (e.g., your head) attractive. Make your head invisible to them (an opaque bag should do it) and your gnat problems will soon end." ---Stanton de Riel "The gnat problem is well described in the entomological literature. Your gnats like to swarm one foot in front of the top of an animate object, i.e. your face. The solution is conceptually simple: Present a false face a foot or two above your real face and the gnats will move upstairs." --Philip Stoddard "I wasn't going to mention it, but since you asked, it's a question of body odor." --Herb Tyson "I am a social psychologist and haven't the faintest clue as to the behavior of gnats." --Arlene M. Stillwell ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-06 Cat Behavior (1) Investigator Sundance Bilson-Thompson contributes a notion to our Scientific Correctness Survey about sleeping cats: "It is incorrect that say that cats twist onto their backs while sleeping. Rather, the act of twisting makes them fall asleep. It is a well know fact that cats have only two functions in life, eating and sleeping. When a cat twists onto its back, it shuts off the nerve signals from the stomach to the brain, the cat stops feeling hungry, and instantly reverts to it's only other mode of behaviour, which is to snooze." ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-07 Cat Behavior (2) Investigator Bev Hogue has conducted an interesting experiment with a cat: "Perhaps your readers would be interested in a recent observation concerning cat hysteria brought on by the theme music from the original Star Trek series. The music propelled the cat from cat- napping to full hysteria in under 10 seconds. It should be noted that the Star Trek theme music was being produced (loudly, with a lot of emphasis on the high notes) by four human beings not noted for their abilities to sing on key; exposure to the theme music of the actual show had no measurable affect on the same cat. The hysteria manifested itself in the typical cat behavior of galloping around as if being chased by George Scherr, and the behavior ceased when the music (such as it was) stopped, though the cat showed signs of apparent paranoia for at least an hour afterward." ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-08 Cat Song Survey Inspired by investigator Hogue, we invite you to take part in our survey entitled "Feline Reactions to Theme Songs." Choose a theme song, sing or play it to a cat, and record the following data: 1. Name of theme song:____________________ 2. Reaction of cat: ___indifference or sleep ___production of noise (please specify) ___production of substances (do not specify) ___flight ___other (please specify in 25 words max) Send your report to . If you have pertinent photographs, audio, and/or video recordings of the event, please mail them to: Feline Reactions to Songs c/o Annals of Improbable Research PO Box 380853, Cambridge MA 02238 USA ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-09 AIR Vents: Notions About Names [Exhalations from our readers] NAMING NAMES Investigator Tobias Gmelin writes: "Investigator Mike Scullin vented his concerns and conclusion about people with hyphenated names. But the "Eike- Henner" he mentions isn't the top. For years, the German TV audience had to deal with a Protestant priest named Oda-Gebine Hoelze-Staeblein. She really talked like her name sounds (which supports Scullin's theory about such people.)" KLUGE CORRECTION Investigator Jackson Granholm comments about Kluges: "The surname 'Kluge' which ticks off Investigator Scullin is cited in my article ('How to Design a Kludge' - DATAMATION, February, 1962) as one of the predecessor Indo-European verbiages, going back to Sanskrit. Some authors (Gruenberger, et al.) have kindly, but erroneously, credited me with originating the term. Actually, Kludges were built long before 1962. A noted historic example is the combination "cart-sled" constructed ca. 830 AD by Sveino Nattkarl, war chief to King Erik Blodax." SINGMASTER RETURNS YET AGAIN Investigator David Singmaster again invites controversy: "In the recent Mini-AIR was a question about the relation of viagra use and blindness. My university includes a large hospitality and catering department which used to be the National College of Baking. I conjectured that prolonged exposure to flour dust could well cause glaucoma and planned to publish a paper on it: 'Master Baking Makes you Blind.'" ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-10 'Tis the Cogno-Intellectual Season We are approaching year's end -- the time when pretentious people make speeches full of big, supposedly impressive words. Help these folks out, please. Take part in Project Cogno-Intellectual, our ongoing effort to feed a meaningless, concocted word ("cogno- intellectual") into the eager mouths of the self-important. Please report subsequent sightings (or hearings) of the phrase to . ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-11 Swimsuits, Please If you would like your photograph included in AIR's Annual Swimsuit Issue, send it in ASAP. (To see examples of a previous year's crop of Swimsuit Sweeties, look at our web site, specifically: http://www.shadowmoon.com/smp/paperair/swim.cfm As usual, we welcome scantily (but scientifically!) clad sages of any heft, age, or sex. Please mail photos to: Swimsuit Issue Editor Annals of Improbable Research PO Box 380853, Cambridge MA 02238 USA ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-12 Amongst the Betweens One of this year's Ig Nobel Prize winners is now the subject of an anguished electronic debate amongst, among, or between a group of professional copy editors. Investigator Miriam Bloom sent us snippets of their battle cries, which we eavesdroppingly reproduce here: Subject: Re: USAGE: "among" or "between" * * * Sean Maguire: "The Relationship Among Height, Penile Length, and Foot Size." But shouldn't "among" be "between"? Among is correct, because among implies a comparison of more than two things. If between is used to refer to more than two things, it suggests that the things are being considered two at a time.... Here, it sounds like they're trying to correlate all three. Thanks to my Boeing Editing Style Guide...." * * * Simon Cauchi: "I think your Boeing Editing Style Guide is wrong here. Among various sources I might cite (and I find it hard to choose between them), here is part of Edward D. Johnson's article on the question: I have often seen it in similar sentences, I think because the writer knows the basic distinction between the words and thinks that distinction must be forced on every situation. Inexperienced editors often impose it on writers, too....'" * * * Matthew Stevens: "This is a subtle British-American difference. We say between, they say among. We both mean the same thing. It always sounds odd to my ear, but I accept it as a difference...." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-13 Sentence of Death: Describe a Specifier This month's entry in the Sentence of Death Contest was submitted by investigator Doug McKenna, who found it on page 6-42 of Apple Computer's programming manual "Inside Macintosh: Interapplication Communication." "The Apple Event Manager creates a whose descriptor record whenever an object specifier record of key form formTest is used to describe the container for elements described by an object specifier record of key form formAbsolutePosition or formRange, with some exceptions as noted in this section." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-14 Ig Audio Files on the Web If you missed the Ig Ceremony, and missed the SciFri radio broadcast, too, do not despair. The AIR press clippings page at http://www.improbable.com/ontheair/press/press-home.html now has links to the audio files of the "Science Friday with Ira Flatow" Ig Nobel broadcasts from 1998, 1997, and 1996. Grab your honey (either meaning) and a pot of tea, and hunker down around the computer for a good old fashioned listen. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-15 Danger Under a Bed Investigator Don McGraw, Associate Provost of the San Diego University, explains why he suddenly had to move his family to a new house: "We found that a houseguest left a copy of AIR under the bed. Apparently it caused so much confusion amongst our house spiders that there was something of a convention of them. The influx lead to too many spiders in one place, a loss of structural stability of the flooring, a consequent collapse of the second floor and extensive damage. Leaking pipes may well have played a role. We were able to leave late at night and have avoided contact with the property manager since. Our new house is in better condition, though there are house spiders and we assiduously avoid storing copies of AIR anywhere on the second floor (the first is a typical Cal cement slab)." ------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-16 Final Response Several barbed criticisms have been lodged against investigator T. Lehrer's analysis (in last month's mini-AIR) of certain Bob Dylan lyrics. In accordance with sub-provision 9 of the Geneva Convention, we present the investigator's final response: "In reply to Lee Campbell, I do not accept the charge that I am in error when it comes to Dylan's 'rhymes.' I am quite familiar with the lyrics to 'Like a Rolling Stone,' and I feel that the three (or later four) lines were intended by Dylan as rhymes: own/home/unknown/stone ('Which of these is not like the others?'). There are many other examples of these assonances (NOT rhymes), e.g., unkind/mind/time and road/told/soul in 'Don't Think Twice'; roam/grown/bone/stone and call/hall/stalled/walls in 'The Times They Are a-Changin''; and many in 'When the Ship Comes In' (wind/begin, laugh/path, roll/gold, and so on). As for Alan Galumbeck, he clearly was denied the benefit of a good high school English course. In the sentence '.....Dylan, who we feel is.......,' WHO (not WHOM) is correct, because it is the subject of 'is.' (You wouldn't say 'we feel him is.......') The only way to combat error is with truth, but I'm afraid the forces of illiteracy have already won this battle, and I hereby resign from this particular fray. I have better things to do with my time. Evidently, my opponents do not." [PLEASE NOTE: This matter is hereby declared at an end. Should any party wish to take the matter further, he, she, or it should remove it to the International Word Court at the Hague.] ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-17 Project AIRhead 2000 There is a brand new, quite special item in the Project AIRhead 2000 collection. This item exemplifies the spirit of Project AIRhead 2000, and not surprisingly was submitted by a large number of investigators (B. Dalio, D. Fisher, S. Peterson, G. Hadenfeldt, J. Fallon, N. Luccino, T. Alvarez, S. Bascomb, etc., etc.). This worthy item is none other than: ****************************************** ITEM 8306-NF91. WINDOWS 2000, a computer operating system. ****************************************** Investigator Ed Post offers a pertinent observation: "I hope I am among the first few thousand Mini-AIR subscribers to observe that Microsoft has decided to rename the latest release of Windows-NT to "Windows 2000," perhaps on the theory that the name change might have some positive correlation with the actual release date. "Has anyone done a study on the effects of product names on the actual engineering time necessary to complete the project? If we had called the Apollo project 'Luna '67,' would that have brought the moon landing date in by two years? Investigator J. Druker adds: "Rumour has it that Windows 2000 will feature CognoIntellect 1.0..." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-18 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (This item is in addition to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) THE NOSE KNOWS "Forced single-nostril breathing and cognition," B. Sanders, C. Lattimore, K. Smith, and L. Dierker, "Perceptual and Motor Skills," vol. 79, 1994, pp. 1499-1506. (Thanks to Neil Salkind for bringing this to our attention.) Note that this is a different paper from that which won a 1995 Ig Nobel Prize. BITTER END "The immobilization of all spermatozoa in vitro by bitter lemon drink and the effect of alkaline pH," P.U. Nwoha, "Contraception," vol. 46, 1992, pp. 37-542. (Thanks to Doug Lindsey for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1998-11-19 AIRhead Events ==> Want to host an event? E-mail to or call 617-491-4437. ALTERNATIVELY, please call W.H. Freeman Publishers, the publisher of the book "Best of AIR," at 212-576-9423 ==> For updates of this schedule, see http://www.improbable.com AAAS ANNUAL MEETING, ANAHEIM, CA THU, JAN 21, 1999 AIR's editor will be part of a panel discussion on humorous science writing. This event restricted to NASW (National Assn of Science Writers) members. Details TBA. AAAS ANNUAL MEETING, ANAHEIM, CA FRI, JAN 22, 1999 AIR's annual special seminar presenting the latest in improbable research at the annual meeting of the AAAS (American Assocn for the Advancement of Science). Details TBA. LOS ANGELES AREA -Various events TBA- MID-LATE JANUARY 1999 AIR's editor and various authors will be doing various improbable things at the AAAS Annual Meeting in Anaheim, and at other locations. Please contact 617-491-4437 if you would like to host an event. BOSKONE 99. FRAMINGHAM, MA SAT, FEB 13, 1999 AIR lecture / show at the annual BOSCONE science fiction convention. INFO: Deb Geisler www.nesfa.org/boskone TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY FRI, FEB 19, 1999 AIR event at the Women in Science and Engineering (WISE) meeting. Details to be announced. INFO: Julia Frugoli , 409-842-2595 MIT KNIGHT FELLOWS, CAMBRIDGE MA FRI, MAR 19, 1999 3-5 pm. Improbable journalistic seminar for Knight Fellows. Attendance limited to Knight Fellows and Knight Fellow Travelers. No Knaves, please. SIGMA XI, SMITH COLLEGE, NORTHAMPTON, MA THUR, APR 29, 1999 Marc Abrahams will present details of improbable research. INFO: Dany Adams 9TH FIRST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY THUR, SEP 30, 1999 Sanders Theater, Harvard University. ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-20 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improbable.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-21 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny version of AIR -- rather, it is a tiny supplement to the magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-11-22 Our Address (*) Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@chem2.harvard.edu SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improbable.com WEB SITE: http://www.improbable.com/ --------------------------- 1998-11-23 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1998, Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@chem2.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@best.com) COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Ernest Ersatz, Craig Haggart, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================