PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1998-12 December, 1998 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1998-12-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1998-12-01 Table of Contents 1998-12-02 mini-Housekeeping 1998-12-03 What's New in AIR 1998-12-04 Our Editorial Stance on the Y2K Problem 1998-12-05 The AIR Y2K Solution 1998-12-06 Mathematics, Boiled Down in a Nutshell 1998-12-07 Red Tape Survey: Waiting 1998-12-08 A Red Tape Exemplar 1998-12-09 Cat Song Survey Results 1998-12-10 Morbid Physicists 1998-12-11 For Engineers and Ursusphiles 1998-12-12 Articulated Moniker Update 1998-12-13 Difficult in Nature 1998-12-14 The Universe is Expanding 1998-12-15 Project AIRhead 2000 1998-12-16 May We Recommend: Scholars' Take on Santa 1998-12-17 AIRhead Events 1998-12-18 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1998-12-19 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1998-12-20 Our Address (*) 1998-12-21 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. mini-AIR is a free monthly *e-supplement* to AIR, the print magazine ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-02 mini-Housekeeping Do you detest your colleagues? Do you revere them? What better way to express your feelings than to give the gift that keeps on showing up -- a subscription to the Annals of Improbable Research. Details below, and at http://www.improbable.com ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-03 What's New in AIR You need some reading material to stave off sleep or work. Keep up with the leading and trailing questions of the age. Subscribe to the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). The Jan/Feb 99 issue (vol. 5, no. 1) will be the special Annual Ig Nobel Issue, with lurid photos, lilting speeches, and many other curiosities. The full table of contents, as well as excerpts from several articles, will be posted on the AIR web site http://www.improbable.com. | FOR FULL TEXT (including lurid photographs) | | OF THE ARTICLES ABSTRACTED HERE | | SEE THE ACTUAL ISSUE OF AIR. | ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-04 Our Editorial Stance on the Y2K Problem Like every other publication in the world, the Annals of Improbable Research is compelled to take a stand on the Y2K problem. On this topic we are not equivocal: Q. Will the Y2K bug cripple our high-tech-based society? A. No. Things don't work all that well now. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-05 The AIR Y2K Solution There is one and only one important step needed to solve the Y2K problem. It is necessary to assign blame, so that we can all put this behind us and move on. For the good of humanity, help us decide who is to blame for the Y2K problem. Please nominate one person. The winner will be designated "The Person Responsible for the Y2K Problem." This individual will be tortured and executed on January 1, 2000, and again on January 1, 2001. The festivities will be televised live on every broadcast network, and on the Internet (Y2K bug permitting). You decide. Who is The Person Responsible for the Y2K Problem? Please send your vote to . ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-06 Mathematics, Boiled Down in a Nutshell This month's essay question is triggered by investigator Glenn Micah Glazer, who writes: "A couple of quarters ago, an abstract algebra professor of mine asked, perfectly seriously, 'Why is this obvious?' This happens only in mathematics." Our essay question is: Why? Please submit your essay (50 words max) to ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-07 Red Tape Survey: Waiting Responses to the Official AIR Red Tape Survey are straggling in late, very late. The survey asked respondents to place an order, through their normal supply channels, for a small quantity of red tape, and record the results. It is already clear that we will not have definitive statistics until many years have passed, perhaps until several lifetimes have passed. However, here are some responses of note: Investigator Liz Mandel: "Yesterday I called the receptionist, Alissa and asked her for a roll of red tape. Today she delivered a roll of #373 3M red tape. Not bad." Investigator Dave Hubble: "I work in the University of Leicester (pron 'Lester') and we get small items from a communal store in our department (in my case Biology) so all we have to do is walk in, get what we want, and sign a chit to say what we've taken for work purposes - easy! This involved only 1 form (the chit), and took 2 minutes 20 seconds." Investigator S. Erny at Cornell reports that he is still waiting for his tape, having thus far gone through 12 people, approximately 100 forms, and approximately 100 calls/emails. He also reports that "in the meantime I've discovered a new prime number." Investigator Geoffrey Bourke: "Please be advised that New Zealand has abolished all Red Tape. Some decades ago, we changed all our Government Departments over to Green Tape (it also suits our Clean Green Image)." Investigator Dave Sorgen: "I work for the Air Force (Randolph AFB in San Antonio TX). There isn't enough time left in the life of the universe for me to order, wait on and eventually receive red tape (itÕs not a standard stock item)." Investigator X ("In the best traditions of defence secrecy, I want my name, location and place of work kept secret"): "How long does it take to order it? Well, when I used to work for a certain UK government defence establishment, it took about 30 seconds and was supplied from a great stockpile of it. (Red tape was of course extensively used by the British Civil Service to bind up documents - quite useful actually.) Things are different nowadays: e-mail seems to have killed it. Pity, it also came in handy at Christmas...." More next time, adhesive permitting. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-08 A Red Tape Exemplar There is red tape, and there is red tape. Here is a good example of the latter. It is from investigator Mike Sarakinsky: "I have never ordered red tape, but have been tied up by it here at the University of South Africa. About 12 years ago, I needed 20 sheets of blank white A4 paper for an article I was typing on an old typewriter. The only place to get 20 such sheets was the photocopy room. I duly requested the photocopy assistant for the 20 sheets of blank paper. He said he could not give me the sheets, but, if I filled in the requisition form, he could give me 20 copies of a blank sheet of paper. Astonished, I filled in the form. Then he proceeded to actually run 20 copies of a blank sheet through the photocopier. Noting my reaction, he explained that at the end of the day, his supervisor counted the sheets of paper, read the counter on the copier machine, checked that these corresponded with the requisition forms and compared the information with the previous days numbers. If there was any discrepancy, the fellow had to pay in the difference." ---------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-09 Cat Song Survey Results Here are some scratchy, preliminary results from our survey entitled "Feline Reactions to Theme Songs." INVESTIGATOR: Carol Hart SONG: The Well-Tempered Clavier, played on car stereo REACTION OF CAT: Meowing cat grew quiet, stayed that way for duration of 3-hour trip INVESTIGATOR: T. NIBBE SONG: The whistling theme from Lassie CAT REACTION: Sniffed at the tape player, then started licking the control keys. INVESTIGATOR: Anson Betts SONG: Star Wars Theme CAT REACTION: Held her bum up and wanted to be stroked. (Pretty much what I expected, as she is deaf.) INVESTIGATOR: Laurie Brown SONG: In a Gadda Da Veda CAT REACTIONS: 2 out of 3 cats looked panicked and swung their heads around violently, obviously following something that we couldn't see, that flew around the room rapidly, about 6' from the floor. INVESTIGATOR: Rick Ballard SONG: Jeopardy Theme Song CAT REACTION: Ear-flattening, confused INVESTIGATOR: Sheila Davis SONG: Jellicle Cats (Main Theme from the musical "Cats"), sung by the investigator and preceded by the spoken phrase "Hey Stupid" CAT REACTION: Annoyed (eyes slitted, ears laid back). INVESTIGATOR: anon SONG: Flight of the Valkyries CAT REACTION: Becomes very awake and wants to be tussled with INVESTIGATOR: Andrew Lammers SONGS: The various Star Trek Themes CAT REACTIONS: I didn't use cats. I used one (1) or possibly two (possibly 2) test chinchillas, with these results: Theme Reaction Star Trek (original series) indifference Star Trek the Next Generation perked ears, possible intrigue Star Trek Deep Space 9 sheer terror and bewilderment Star Trek Voyager indifference INVESTIGATOR: Madge SONG: You Light Up My Life CAT REACTION: Attempted to scratch my face, then fled. Subsequently was yowling under bed for approx. 15 minutes. More next time. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-10 Morbid Physicists Typos, typos, typos. There was a spelling error in last month's mini-AIR mention of a report in the current issue of AIR concerning a day in the life of a physicist. This grievous mistake somehow provoked investigator Dan Shapiro: "I was curious about what, exactly, a physicist does when he 'micturates', so I looked up 'micturation'. Turns out there is no such word -- however, 'micturition' is defined as 'The act of voiding urine; also, a morbidly frequent passing of the urine, in consequence of disease'. Presumably this is the function that you were referring to. "While I knew many physicists to be sickly, yet I had assumed until now that the process of micturition would be one of the few acts that could bring relief. How sad that even this simple process becomes, in the hands of a physicist (no gender assumptions intended), 'morbid.'" ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-11 For Engineers and Ursusphiles We have been assaulted by inquiries about 1998 Ig Nobel Prizewinner (in the field of Safety Engineering) Troy Hurtubise, who designed, built, and personally tested a grizzly-bear-proof suit of armor. As a result of winning his Ig, Troy recently appeared on television, on the Roseanne Show, where magicians Penn and Teller attacked him with a baseball bat and a sword, and Roseanne Barr kicked him in the crotch. Troy's suit performed admirably. Troy's early research exploits are chronicled in the documentary film "Project Grizzly," which was produced by the National Film Board (NFB) of Canada. (See http://www.nfb.ca/E/4/grizzly.html for a glimpse.) We are happy to pass the word that the video version is now available from both the NFB (800-267-7710) in Canada and First Run Features (800-488- 6652) in the US. You can see vidoeos of TroyÕs performance at the 1998 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony the Ig Lectures, too. See http://www.improbable.com/bookstore/video.html ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-12 Articulated Moniker Update Investigator Madeleine ("if my parents had hyphenated, I'd have been Long-Page") Page sends this contribution to the hyphenated names research project: "The entire family of Fiennes is actually called Twistleton- Wyckeham-Fiennes. I was at school (British, high) with one Frances Twistleton-Wyckeham-Fiennes. At the beginning of each year, the names of all new students were announced. Since we all had to wear name tags for the first week of school, when her name was read out we immediately organized a competition for the person who first identified her. Needless to say, we all went around looking for some kid with a name tag that stretched from one shoulder to another. We were balked because the miserable cow had put 'Frances Fiennes' on her name tag. Clearly, the three barrels were too much for her to live up to." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-13 Difficult in Nature The United States Congress is noted for its zesty efforts to educate the public. Investigator David Murray sends this transcript, from Fortune Magazine, of a discussion in the Congress about a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research." The participants are Representatives Clare Hoffman and John Dingell, both from the state of Michigan. DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is that female oysters through their living habits cast out large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of fertilization. HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many teenagers who read The Congressional Record. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-14 The Universe is Expanding Space research is entering a time of bountiful funding. The best evidence of this is in a press release issued by NASA: "NASA has selected Raytheon STX Corporation of Lanham, MD, to provide routine data operations, and research and development support.... This two-year contract, with three one-year options, is valued at $33,212,570 million." (Thanks to investigator Robert Hamlin for bringing this to our attention. Hamlin points out that "the annual US national budget is only some $1.7 trillion, Raytheon must be terribly lucky to be getting a contract for nearly 20 times that.") ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-15 Project AIRhead 2000 Here is a further random selection from the Project AIRhead 2000 collection of things named (in whole or in part) 2000. ITEM 118803 (submitted by investigator Dafydd Lewis) "AIRCON 2000 AIR CONDITIONING FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM," a message painted on a van that meanders down the M25 motorway near London, England. ITEM 4992 (submitted by investigator Kenneth Salstrom) ACT II 2000 MICROWAVE POPCORN FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM (MADE WITH REAL BUTTER)" ----------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-16 May We Recommend: Scholars' Take on Santa Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (This item is in addition to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) At this time of year, many people ask questions about certain entities who are little-understood. A few brave scientists have dared to research this controversial matter. Here is a chronology of their most telling work. 1978: PRENTICE LOOKS AT THE BIG THREE "Imaginary Figures of Early Childhood: Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy," N.M. Prentice, M. Manosevitz, and L. Hubbs, "American Journal of Orthopsychiatry," October 1978, vol. 48, no. 4, pp. 618-28. The abstract reads in part: "The developmental progression of children's belief in three major figures of early childhood was examined... Belief in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy varied with the child's age and the level of parental encouragement of belief. However, belief in these figures was unrelated to other indices of the child's fantasy involvement." 1979: PRENTICE ZEROES IN ON SANTA "Children's Belief in Santa Claus: a developmental study of fantasy and causality," N.M. Prentice, L.K. Schmechel, and M. Manosevitz, "Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry," vol. 18, no. 4, Autumn 1979, pp. 658-67. 1994: PRENTICE PLUMBS THE VERY DEPTHS "Encounter With Reality: Children's Reactions on Discovering the Santa Claus Myth," C.J. Anderson and N.M. Prentice, "Child Psychiatry and Human Development," vol. 25, no. 2, Winter 1994, pp. 67-84. The abstract reads in part: "Children generally discovered the truth on their own at age seven. Children reported predominantly positive reactions on learning the truth. Parents, however, described themselves as predominantly sad in reaction to their child's discovery." 1996: NELMS POSES THE QUESTION, POINT BLANK "Santa Claus: Good or Bad for Children?," B.C. Nelms, "Journal of Pediatric Health Care," November/December 1996, vol. 10, no. 6, pp. 243-4. [In case you need more info, consult the researchers themselves: Norman M. Prentice, professor at the Department of Psychology of the University of Texas at Austin; and Bobbie Crew Nelms, editor of the Journal of Pediatric Health Care.] ------------------------------------------------------------ 1998-12-17 AIRhead Events ==> Want to host an event? E-mail to or call 617-491-4437. ALTERNATIVELY, please call W.H. Freeman Publishers, the publisher of the book "Best of AIR," at 212-576-9423 ==> For updates of this schedule, see http://www.improbable.com CSUPERB ANNUAL SYMPOSIUM, LOS ANGELES FRI, JAN 15 Kellogg Conference Center, Cal Poly Pomona. AIR editor Marc Abrahams will be the luncheon and/or dinner (but not breakfast!) speaker at the annual symposium of the California State University Program for Education and Research in Biotechnology. INFO: Steve Dahms 619-594-6381 AAAS ANNUAL MEETING, ANAHEIM, CA THU, JAN 21 5:15 pm. Anaheim Marriott, Orange County Ballroom. AIR editors Marc Abrahams and Karen Hopkin (creator of the Studmuffins of Science Calendar) will be part of a NASW (National Assn of Science Writers) panel discussion on humorous science writing. AAAS ANNUAL MEETING, ANAHEIM, CA FRI, JAN 22 8:15 pm. 8:15-10:30, Anaheim Marriott. Room TBA. AIR's annual special seminar presenting the latest in improbable research at the annual meeting of the AAAS (American Assn for the Advancement of Science). Further details TBA. LOS ANGELES-AREA EVENTS TBA JAN 14-26 AIR's editor and various authors will be doing various improbable things in and around LA from Jan 15-26. Want to host an event? Get in touch ASAP! BOSKONE 99. FRAMINGHAM, MA SAT, FEB 13 AIR lecture / show at the annual BOSCONE science fiction convention. INFO: Deb Geisler www.nesfa.org/boskone TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY FRI, FEB 19 AIR event at the Women in Science and Engineering (WISE) meeting. Details to be announced. INFO: Julia Frugoli , 409-842-2595 MIT KNIGHT FELLOWS, CAMBRIDGE MA FRI, MAR 19 3-5 pm. Improbable journalistic seminar for Knight Fellows. Attendance limited to Knight Fellows and Knight Fellow Travelers. No Knaves, please. SIGMA XI, SMITH COLLEGE, NORTHAMPTON, MA THURS, APR 29 Marc Abrahams will present details of improbable research. INFO: Dany Adams 9TH FIRST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY THURS, SEPT 30 Sanders Theater, Harvard University. ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-18 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improbable.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-19 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny version of AIR -- rather, it is a tiny supplement to the magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR ----------------------------------------------------- 1998-12-20 Our Address (*) Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@chem2.harvard.edu SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improbable.com WEB SITE: http://www.improbable.com/ --------------------------- 1998-12-21 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1998, Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@chem2.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@best.com) COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Ernest Ersatz, Craig Haggart, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================