PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1999-01 January, 1999 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1999-01-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1999-01-01 Table of Contents 1999-01-02 mini-Housekeeping 1999-01-03 What's New in AIR 1999-01-04 Survey: Do Love Bugs Love? 1999-01-05 [Y2K Scapegoat, part 1] The Voters Have Spoken 1999-01-06 [Y2K Scapegoat, part 2] All Hail the Winner 1999-01-07 Simple Query 1999-01-08 [Y2K Scapegoat, part 3] Analysis of the Vote 1999-01-09 [Y2K Scapegoat, part 4] Startling Revelations 1999-01-10 Questionable Math 1999-01-11 Classic Obviousness 1999-01-12 The Return of Ketchup 1999-01-13 Red Tape Survey: On and On and On... 1999-01-14 Calling All Swimsuits 1999-01-15 Foursome, Fivesome 1999-01-16 Project AIRhead 2000 1999-01-17 May We Recommend 1999-01-18 AIRhead Events 1999-01-19 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1999-01-20 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1999-01-21 Our Address (*) 1999-01-22 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. mini-AIR is a free monthly *e-supplement* to AIR, the print magazine ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-02 mini-Housekeeping If you have a brass instrument (preferably musical, but any other kind will do), please bring it to the special AIR session at the AAAS Annual Meeting on Friday evening, January 22 in Anaheim -- and be prepared to use it. Other details in section 1999-01-18 below. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-03 What's New in AIR Things fall apart, your life is a wreck, and millenial nutcakes are everywhere. There's only one cure for it: Subscribe to the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). The Jan/Feb 99 issue (vol. 5, no. 1) is the special Annual Ig Nobel Issue, with lurid photos, lilting speeches, and many other curiosities. The full table of contents, as well as excerpts from several articles, will be posted on the AIR web site http://www.improbable.com. | FOR FULL TEXT (including lurid photographs) | | OF THE ARTICLES ABSTRACTED HERE | | SEE THE ACTUAL ISSUE OF AIR. | ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-04 Survey: Do Love Bugs Love? Here is this month's scientific correctness survey. It is part of our ongoing effort to settle burning scientific controversies by, simply, doing an opinion poll. SCIENTIFIC CORRECTNESS SURVEY #36: Some people believe that insects lack the neurobiological apparatus that causes emotions. Other people believe that emotions are not strictly a matter of neurobiology. This month's question is: DO INSECTS EXPERIENCE ROMANTIC LOVE? -- Yes -- No -- Bug off. That's their own private affair. -- Other (please specify) Please send your vote to ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-05 [Y2K Scapegoat, part 1] The Voters Have Spoken Together we have solved the Y2K problem. Last month we asked you to tell us who is to blame for the Y2K problem. You did. As promised, the winner will be designated "The Person Responsible for the Y2K Problem." This individual will be tortured and executed on January 1, 2000, and again on January 1, 2001. The festivities will be televised live on every broadcast network, and on the Internet (Y2K bug permitting). And the winner is... ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-06 [Y2K Scapegoat, part 2] All Hail the Winner The two leading vote-getters, overwhelming the rest of the field, were BILL GATES and JESUS. For days, partisans of each man lobbied hard for their champions. Several people voted for both BILL AND JESUS, though in almost every one of those cases BILL was specified as their first choice. From start to finish, BILL displayed the tenacity and stamina for which he is noted, ultimately pulling far ahead and winning in a cake walk. So congratulations to the winner, BILL GATES. We suggest that you send your personal good wishes directly to him. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-07 Simple Query Our role in the Y2K Scapegoat Voting has been that of idealistic, sheltered researchers whose knowledge and interest is confined to the ideal realm of our ivory tower. However, simple human curiosity prompts us to ask: Who is this fellow Gates who is garnering so much attention? Perhaps some kind mini-AIR reader can enlighten us. And now back to our political analysis... ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-08 [Y2K Scapegoat, part 3] Analysis of the Vote The Y2K Scapegoat voting patterns paint a strange, but possibly true picture of the electorate at this truly, impossibly strange moment in history. BILL GATES voters were highly and monopolistically opinionated. Two examples: "I think it's also possible to hold him responsible for every miserable thing that's ever happened anywhere or anytime." [Rita Mcgurk] "Whether he's guilty or not, he's far too rich and geeky for my taste. The world would be a better place without him. Can I get his money, please?" [Michelle Klix] JESUS voters tended to be much less passionate. Voter Jeff Epler's comment exemplifies their tone:: "His nomination has other redeeming factors. If we're wrong, he's likely to forgive us, and of all those nominated he's the most likely to be available for a second killing in the following calendar year." The second tier of candidates, far below the leaders, was comprised of computational and/or calendrical experts: GRACE MURRAY HOPPER CHARLES BABBAGE and ADA, COUNTESS LOVELACE POPE GREGORY XIII DIONYSIUS EXIGUUS Voter Joel Brown commented of POPE GREGORY: "He could easily have decreed that we all use a four digit year when referring to his calendar. The problem would have been fixed in 1582." The third tier was comprised of KEN STARR. The rest of the field was a many and varied lot. Voters explained that these people are not responsible for the Y2K problem, but that they probably: (a) deserve blame for *something* or (b) are qualified, by long experience, to receive blame for almost anything. Here, listed in alphabetical order, are the most popular of the distant also-rans: JULIUS CAESAR, ARTHUR C. CLARKE, BILL CLINTON, FELIX DHZERZINSKI, BARNEY THE DINOSAUR, STEPHEN J. GOULD, SADDAM HUSSEIN, KAISER WILHELM, MONICA LEWINSKI, BARRY MANILOW, MARY, ROSS PEROT, SATAN, MARTHA STEWART, LINDA TRIPP. Voter Susan Hauser blamed "The ancient Arabs. They came up with that pesky notion of a 'zero.' If we were using Roman Numerals we'd still be blissfully plugging along." ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-09 [Y2K Scapegoat, part 4] Startling Revelations And finally, a number of voters offered startling revelations: "I am to blame for the Y2K problem. And I'm very, very sorry." [Clark Thompson, Programmer/Analyst, UCLA Library] "Sorry. That would be me. I'm responsible. I apologize." [Chris Holmes] "I realize that at 22 years old, there is no possible way I was around to originally introduce the Y2K bug. However, my self- esteem is low enough to accept the blame for the potential destruction of our modern-day technological society. Whether I win or lose, I realize that it is an honor just to be nominated." [Vincent C. Marcus III] "Edward L. Mendota. I don't know much more about him, except that he recently gave up smoking, but I think he has a web page somewhere." [Tim Mallory] "I nominate Yong Tok from Rochester MN, USA. I tracked him down scientifically and methodically (I made 10 stabs at searching Yahoo people search). The name alone (Y. ToK) is the obvious give- away." [Steve Johnson] ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-10 Questionable Math Mathematicians, as well as their opposite numbers, have responded eagerly -- and repetitively -- to our essay question "Why is it only mathematicians who say 'Why is this obvious?'" More than 80% of the respondents said, "Because." When respondents answered anything with other than "Because," it usually "Why not?" Several of the other answers stood out, for various reasons: "Because mathematics is the only profession in which the practitioners are intelligent enough to realize that every person on the planet is, basically, an idiot, and therefore might need some time in order to comprehend the perfectly obvious." -- Investigator J.C. Jamison "The assertion is patently false. Why is this obvious?" -- Investigator B. Kallick "Given that the abstract algebra professor has red hair, and teaches ring theory, then this is clearly a red hair ring." -- Investigator L. Sherman "Missing comma. The quote should have been: "Why, is this obvious?" Much more in line with a mathematical professor's image." -- Investigator Felix Finch "Because math is the only subject where anything is *allowed* to be obvious. In any other science, you have to get a grant, run an experiment, write an excruciatingly equivocated research article, and have it peer-reviewed and published and cited in at least 3 literature overviews. THEN it's obvious." -- Investigator David Lantz "Q: Why is this obvious? A: That depends on what your definition of 'is' is." -- Investigator T. Rose "I could tell you why and it would thrill you. I could tell you why and it would chill you. "Please tell me why, O will you, will you?" I could tell you why but I'd have to kill you." -- Investigator Ray Orrange ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-11 Classic Obviousness Obviously, there is a rich history to this matter of mathematicians and the obvious. It is necessary and sufficient to present three examples: This is a certifiably non-original story I tell to all math majors I encounter: One mathematician was showing his new theorem to another. The colleague pointed at the chalkboard and asked how the theorem went from one step to the next. The first mathematician said, "That's obvious." The second went to a second blackboard, spent an hour filling it up with complex calculations, then stepped back and said, "You're right, it IS obvious." -- Patrick Lenon It's worth recalling the story of the very famous mathematician G.H. Hardy, who in a lecture said about some detail in a proof: "This is obvious." After a pause, he went on: "Hmm, is it really obvious?" After another pause he left the room to consider the point, returning 20 minutes later with the verdict: "Yes, I was right, it is obvious." -- J.R. Partington "The world's most famous mathematician, Humpty Dumpty, speaking for fellow mathematicians everywhere, said: "When I use a word, it means precisely what I choose it to mean, neither more nor less". Mathematicians always say what they mean, even though they do not mean what they say. Obviously. -- Dirk Laurie ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-12 The Return of Ketchup Former U.S. President Ronald Reagan knew more than he was telling when he said, more than a decade ago, that ketchup is a vegetable. The Sunday, January 10, 1999 issue of "The New York Times Magazine" has an unusual advertisement on page 55. The ad conveys the information that eating a large quantity of Heinz ketchup may help reduce the risk of prostate or cervical cancer. We therefore urge all mini-AIR readers to eat lots of ketchup, except where religious strictures or common sense forbid the ingestion of carboys of catsup, tons of tomato, or lorryloads of lycopen. [NOTE: Readers outside North American may be unfamiliar with the substance known as ketchup. Ketchup is identical with the substance known as catsup. According to the Heinz advertisement, catsup contains tomato, which contains lycopen, which contains an anti-oxidant. Isn't science wonderful.] ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-13 Red Tape Survey: On and On and On... The Official AIR Red Tape Survey muddles on slowly, slowly. The survey asked respondents to place an order, through their normal supply channels, for a small quantity of red tape, and record the results. While we watch the data trickle in, and struggle to compile the sordid statistics, please consider the case reported by investigator William Hathaway: "The US National Archives recently offered a promotional item consisting of a sample (about 2" long) of real Red Tape, taken from the wrapping of Civil War era records. An acquaintance of mine tried to purchase one. After navigating through an immensely convoluted phone mail maze, she eventually reached a human who, most reluctantly, took her order, implying by his voice and response that he hated dealing with any public, especially her. He also screwed up the order and although she did receive the item, the name and address was a combination of her actual data mixed with another person from an entirely different state. It was impossible to find the other person to determine if she received her order or if she will wait like a ghost until the end of time." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-14 Calling All Swimsuits If you would like to have a photo of yourself appear in AIR's 1999 Special Swimsuit Issue, please send it AT ONCE to: Swimsuit Issue Annals of Improbable Research PO Box 380853, Cambridge MA 02238 USA ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-15 Foursome, Fivesome Here are some further collaborations of scientists who share family names. Investigator G. Rosen offers a pair of quadruple Halbergs: "Forging chronobiology and pediatrics as well as geriatrics- -a birthday greeting for Theodor Hellbrugge," E. Halberg, F. Halberg, J. Halberg, and F. Halberg, "International Journal of Chronobiology," vol. 6, 1979, pp. 135-43. "The Sphygmochron For Chronobiologic Blood Pressure and Heart Rate Assessment in Cancer Patients," J. Halberg, G. Cornelissen, F. Halberg, F. Halberg, and E. Halberg, "Cancer Growth Prog.," vol. 10, 1989, pp. 189-95. Investigator Jose V. Torres unearthed a quintuple Nguyen: "The sensitivity of malarial mosquitoes in the fauna of the Socialist Republic of Vietnam to insecticides [the article is in Russian]," R.M. Gornostaeva; T.F. Vu; V.C. Nguyen; T.K. Nguyen; S.Z. Nguyen; T.R. Nguyen; and T.V. Nguyen, "Meditsinskaia Parazitologiia i Parazitarnye Bolezni," January-March 1994, pp.34- 41. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-16 Project AIRhead 2000 Here is a further random selection from the Project AIRhead 2000 collection of things named (in whole or in part) 2000. ITEM 2106B (submitted by investigator Earle Spamer) AQUEDUCT 2000, a quarterly publication of the Southern California Metropolitan Water District. Investigator Spamer notes that "The contents page says 'Number 1, 1998' at top but elsewhere 'VOL 64.' Seems that they may have been way ahead of their time." ITEM 12 (submitted by investigator Dafydd Lewis) PIGION 2000, a series of small books containing sampler selections of Welsh poetry. ITEM 5733 (submitted by investigator Pete Kaiser) MEDIA MARKT 2000, a company in Cham, Switzerland that advertises a way to lose weight while sleeping. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-17 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (This item is in addition to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) SWELL OLD SHEEP "Swelled Head in Merino Rams. An Unfinished Description of an Enquiry Into This Condition," S. Dodd, "Journal of the Royal Society of New South Wales," vol. 61, 1927, pp. 135-148. [Found among his papers after his death.] (Thanks to Wendy Cooper for bringing this to our attention.) MOSTEST FOR THE HOSTESS "Cake Cutting Algorithms," Jack Robertson and William Webb, A.K. Peters publishers, Natick, MA, 1998. (Thanks to Ian Stewart for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1999-01-18 AIRhead Events ==> Want to host an event? Call or E-mail 617-491-4437. ALTERNATIVELY, please call W.H. Freeman Publishers, publisher of the book "Best of AIR," at 212-576-9423 ==> For updates of this schedule, see http://www.improbable.com CSUPERB ANNUAL SYMPOSIUM, LOS ANGELES FRI, JAN 15 Kellogg Conference Center, Cal Poly Pomona. AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will be the dinner (or possibly lunch!) speaker at the annual symposium of the California State University Program for Education and Research in Biotechnology. INFO: Steve Dahms 619-594-6381 CLAREMONT GRADUATE SCHOOL TUES, JAN 19 Noon. Brownbag lunch seminar / slide show with AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS. Room TBA. INFO: Paul Gray 909-621-8209 or 909-621-8565 UCLA WED, JAN 20 2:00, Graduate math lounge. Seminar / slide show with AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS. INFO: Glenn Glazer AAAS ANNUAL MEETING, ANAHEIM, CA THU, JAN 21 5:15 pm. Anaheim Marriott, Orange County Ballroom. AIR editors MARC ABRAHAMS and KAREN HOPKIN (creator of the Studmuffins of Science Calendar) will be part of a NASW (National Assn of Science Writers) panel discussion on humor in science writing. AAAS ANNUAL MEETING, ANAHEIM, CA FRI, JAN 22 8:15 pm. 8:15-10:30, Anaheim Marriott, Grand Ballroom Salon G. AIR's annual special seminar presenting the latest in improbable research at the annual meeting of the AAAS (American Assn for the Advancement of Science). Highlights: * KAREN HOPKIN will unveil plans for her Studmuffins of Science 2000 calendar, and will unveil at least one live specimen. * AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will present a strange magic lantern show concerning the improbable research and the Ig Nobel Prizes. * Brief video tribute to Ig Nobel Prize winner TROY HURTUBISE and his grizzly-bear-proof suit of armor. * The classic slide show "PROFESSOR LIPSCOMB Goes Shopping." [SPECIAL NOTE: If you have a brass instrument, please bring it.] Further details TBA. BOSKONE 99. FRAMINGHAM, MA SAT, FEB 13 AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will present a lecture / show, and disrupt a panel discussion on bad science at the annual BOSCONE science fiction convention. INFO: Deb Geisler www.nesfa.org/boskone TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY FRI, FEB 19 AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will present a lecture/ slide show at the Women in Science and Engineering (WISE) meeting. Includes the classic slide show "PROFESSOR LIPSCOMB Goes Shopping." INFO: Julia Frugoli , 409-842-2595 MIT KNIGHT FELLOWS, CAMBRIDGE MA FRI, MAR 19 3-5 pm. Improbable journalistic seminar for Knight Fellows. Attendance limited to Knight Fellows and Knight Fellow Travelers. INTERNATIONAL FOOL-PROOF RSCH. SYMPOSIUM, DREXEL U. THURS, APR 1 AIR editorial board member LEONARD X. FINEGOLD will present his latest improbable research as part of Drexel's traditional Apr 1 forum. INFO: Tayfun Akgul http://www.biomed.drexel.edu SIGMA XI, SMITH COLLEGE, NORTHAMPTON, MA THURS, APR 29 AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will present an underview of improbable research. Includes the classic slide show "PROFESSOR LIPSCOMB Goes Shopping." INFO: Dany Adams 9TH FIRST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY THURS, SEPT 30 Sanders Theater, Harvard University. ANNUAL IG LECTURES FRI, OCT 1 Harvard University -------------------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-19 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improbable.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-20 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny version of AIR -- rather, it is a tiny supplement to the magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR ----------------------------------------------------- 1999-01-21 Our Address (*) Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@chem2.harvard.edu SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improbable.com WEB SITE: http://www.improbable.com/ --------------------------- 1999-01-21 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1999, Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@chem2.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@best.com) COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Ernest Ersatz, Craig Haggart, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================