PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1999-05 May, 1999 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1999-05-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1999-05-01 Table of Contents 1999-05-02 mini-Housekeeping 1999-05-03 What's New in AIR Itself 1999-05-04 Painful Poetry -- That Darn Dean 1999-05-05 Deanish Counseling 1999-05-06 The End-Of Debate 1999-05-07 Desperately Seeking Melon Mentalist 1999-05-08 In re Der Einfluss von Erdnussbutter 1999-05-09 More About Zipper Compliance 1999-05-10 See the Bearded Australian Scientists 1999-05-11 Wimer, Wimer & Wimer (from Wim) 1999-05-12 The Next Celebrity Concept! 1999-05-13 Boosting Mother's Friend 1999-05-14 AIR Vents: Geomorphological Climax 1999-05-15 Pictoral Concept Ship 1999-05-16 Flaunt Your Genome 1999-05-17 Project AIRhead 2000 1999-05-18 May We Recommend 1999-05-19 AIRhead Events 1999-05-20 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1999-05-21 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1999-05-22 Our Address (*) 1999-05-23 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. mini-AIR is a free monthly *e-supplement* to AIR, the print magazine ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-02 mini-Housekeeping There will likely be two or more AIR events in Washington DC around June 30 (see section 1999-05-19 for details). If you, too, would like to host an event, please get in touch with us (ASAP!) at ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-03 What's New in AIR Itself AIR 5:3 (May/June 1999) is the special "SCIENCE & THE MOVIES" issue. If you haven't seen your copy yet, or if your library unfathomably does not yet subscribe to AIR, here's some of what you are missing: "The Curious Deaths of Movie Museum Curators," by Sally Y. Shelton. The author analyzes the peculiarities, perversities, and predatory personnel of museums as they are depicted in movies. She undispassionately dissects the spectacularly dispiriting oddities of the curators, especially those who wear safari hats. "Case Analysis of a Historic Killer Tornado Event in Kansas on 10 June, 1938," by Charles A. Doswell III and Harold E. Brooks. The authors analyze an unusual tornado that has been well documented on film. "Script an Astronomer, Then Reach for the Stars," by Eric Schulman. The author, an astronomer, presents a compelling case why every movie should have an astronomer as a main character. "Nobel Thoughts: John Polayni," by Marc Abrahams. 1986 Nobel Chemistry Prize winner John Polanyi explains why he is too busy to be interviewed right now. These and many other articles and features are in the current issue of AIR. A full table of contents will be posted on the AIR web site (http:// www.improbable.com) any day now, our web archivist tells us. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-04 Painful Poetry -- That Darn Dean Last month we invited you to take part in the historic writing of an epic serial poem entitled "That Darn Dean." Sadly, many of you accepted our invitation. Here, again, is the first stanza, which we attempted to attribute to noted author Eric Schulman ["A Briefer History of Time," W. H. Freeman and Company, 1999. ISBN 0-7167-3389-7]. Eric now fervently denies having written these unforgettable words: That darn Dean. He's so mean. Watch me wipe his hard disk clean. And now, like it or not, here are some of the best and worst of what you or your colleagues sent in. But first, a bit of poetical comment, and perhaps advice, from the That Darn Dean Foundation: "Approximately two-thirds of the people who submitted That Darn Dean 'poetry' seem to believe that if two words rhyme, you can add an 's' to one of them and they will then still rhyme. That belief is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong." And now, the poetic highlights, or whatever they may be. We begin with this ostensible effort from Steve Durbin, who knowledgeably proclaims, "Here's a couple of candidates for the worst stanzas": That darn Dean. Tries to be green. Drinks creme-de-menthe spiced with mung bean. That darn Dean. He's so cogno-intellectual, Now has a tenure that's utterly perpetual. Investigator/poet Mary O'Donnell: That darn Dean Is never seen Unless there's food. Then he's so rude-- You see him munch And chew and crunch And polish off his colleagues' lunch. Investigator/poet Dafydd Lewis: Dan Din* in Welsh Means underhand So if you're Welsh You'll understand (* pronounced dean) Investigator/poet Michelle Klix: That old darn dean Who seems so keen -- We'll have to wean him off the Queen.# (# the poet of this stanza is from Australia) Investigator/poet Nigel King: He greets my Projects with a sneer. He's pulled the plug on my career. I'll drown my woes --and him!-- in beer. Investigator/poet Michael Poole Wolf, M.D: Dean flipped me the bird, Then he called me a nerd, So I'll send him Melissa for Microsoft Word. Investigator/poet Tad 'Baxil' Ramspott: Next, I've got to find a way to soothe my aching GPA. But I will sacrifice some pride to make sure I'm not caught and tried; My grade will raise to merely B -- hacked from accounts at WebTV. Investigator/poet Matthew Trump: That Dean knows all the standard tricks For Windows bugs, but not Unix That Darn, Darn Dean, oh hear him cry as I type rm -i Investigator/poet Mark Gibbs And when his disk is nice and slick, I'll dump his print-outs in the cr'ick. I'll smash his RAM, I'll grind it fine, I'll dunk his mouse in turpentine. Investigator/poet Robert Delfs: Boil his liver Cook his spleen Then darn, let's cook and eat That dean! The poem(?) takes a sudden, concluding turn with this entry (and it's introductory explanation, "Okay, so it doesn't rhyme and it won't fit into your epic poem, but at least this haiku faces reality") from Damian Conway: That darn Dean sits on My promotion committee... A prince among men! ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-05 Deanish Counseling Some readers may be distraught at having endured the saga of That Darn Dean. These now unhappy persons may feel unable to recover their cognitive balance. If you are one of these unhinged individuals, please read the following paragraph. The That Darn Dean Society warmly assures you, an unhinged individual, that That Darn Dean counseling is available free of charge to anyone who needs it, at any time, with no waiting, once the requisite paperwork has been filed, examined, approved, processed, reviewed and certified, and all requisite fees have been paid. The application forms are available at the Dean's office. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-06 The End-Of Debate This month's AIRhead Scientific Debate topic was suggested by investigator Laura Peebles. Like all the AIRhead Scientific Debate topics, it is simple to state: Hypothesis: "If it has an end, it has an other end." Prove or disprove. Please send your proof or disproof, in 30 simple words or less, to ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-07 Desperately Seeking Melon Mentalist Do you happen to know the identity of the psychologist who told Tesco, Britain's largest supermarket chain, that seven of 10 women shoppers questioned agree that breast size is "the most likely subconscious factor when selecting size of melon"; that fifty percent of those women say breast size is consciously on their mind when they choose melons; that the majority of female melon supermarket shoppers now prefer to buy small melons, rather than the larger, fleshier melons of old, because they subconsciously identify the former with their own breasts and with those of slim actresses and models, such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Kate Moss; that the women melon enthusiasts like to caress the nipple-shaped blossom end of the fruit; and that male shoppers who have been interviewed concur in all of these opinions and preferences? If so, please get in touch with us. (The basic information was reported in the London Telegraph early this month. A colleague of ours in London asked Tesco the identity of the psychologist, but was unable to obtain an answer.) ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-08 In re Der Einfluss von Erdnussbutter We have heard reports of consumer buying sprees -- very, very tiny sprees -- in Germany for (a) peanut butter and (b) maps of the earth. This unusual activity was touched off, supposedly, by the publication of the book "Der Einfluss von Erdnussbutter auf die Erdrotation - Forschungen, die die Welt nicht braucht," [Marc Abrahams (ed.), Birkhauser, 1999. ISBN 3-7643-5941-2.], the German edition of "The Best of Annals of Improbable Research." Any confirmation of these reports is dreaded but would be appreciated. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-09 More About Zipper Compliance Investigator Dave Cassell flings wide the YKK zipper technology floodgate that last month was pried opened by researcher Ron Fenstemacher: "Clearly, the zipper manufacturers are far ahead of the computer industry. They have determined that their product is not only Y2K compliant, but YkK compliant for all values of k in some specified domain D. Now all we have to do is determine: [1] the domain D in their analysis; and [2] their compliance analysis techniques. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-10 See the Bearded Australian Scientists Australia has long been celebrated as a land of brave, hirsute scientists. The bearded men of Australia, some of them, have gotten our collection of bearded men group photos off to an auspicious, hairy start. At the AIR web site http://www.improbable.com you can see a gleaming new group photo of the bearded men of Australia's Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organization (CSIRO). This photo will be featured in AIR's special Bearded Men Issue, which will be published in September. If your university, lab, hospital, or other Official Place has admirable bearded men, we implore you to display them properly. Photograph them en mass, and submit the picture ASAP at: Annals of Improbable Research Attention: bearded men editor PO Box 380853, Cambridge MA 02238 USA ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-11 Wimer, Wimer & Wimer (from Wim) Here is a Wimsical addition to the collection of research papers whose authors share a last name: "An association between granule cell density in the dentate gyrus and two-way avoidance conditioning in the house mouse," C. Wimer, R.E. Wimer, and J.S. Wimer, Behavioral Neuroscience, vol. 97, 1983, pp. 844-56. (Thanks to Wim E. Crusio for bringing this to our attention.) ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-12 The Next Celebrity Concept! Chaos, Complexity, Paradigm, Postmodernism -- each has had its year in the sun. But what new academic splendor will next seize the throats of the fad-hungry general public? Investigator Karen Watson-Gegeo has spotted the next celebrity concept. On Friday May 21, Clive Granger, an economist from UC San Diego, gave a symposium talk at UC Davis. Its title -- which will soon be on the lips of everyone who is, was, or would be anyone -- is: "Stylized Facts on the Temporal and Distributional Properties of Absolute Patterns: An Update." This concept is next! It's new! It's cool! It's hot! It's awfully long. And best of all, it is fully cogno-intellectual. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-13 Boosting Mother's Friend A name enthusiast from North Carolina sent us the following note: "The recent mini-AIR discussion of unusual names has reminded me of one of my mother's friends, Gaye Eddy. Eddy being her married name. The last I had heard, Gaye Eddy was working for our local congressman. Then again, who am I to talk about unusual names?" --Tim Chew ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-14 AIR Vents: Geomorphological Climax Behold yet another geomorphology correctives. This one comes from geo-investigator Jeff Lee: "I would like to comment on your mention of mini-AIR proofreader Wendy Mattson's experience with a spell checker and the term 'Geomorphologists.' As outgoing president of the Geomorphology Specialty Group of the Association of American Geographers, I feel it my duty to tell you that the spell checker just stole the standard last line of our research papers: 'there is not enough memory to complete this task.' You see, we never learned to take good field notes and we have short attention spans. Some of us have never written a 'Discussion' section in our entire careers. We see it as an environmentally friendly way to save paper that no one would read anyway. "P.S. Please don't tell our department chairmen about the unfinished papers." ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-15 Pictoral Concept Ship This month's Phrase-of-the-Month is "Pictorial Concept Ship." Investigator Chris Ramsden alerted us to its existence: "I work at the University of Central England, Institute of Art & Design, Birmingham, England and the following is the title of a paper given by Robert Clarke (doctoral student) at a research seminar at our august establishment last month-- "A Hermeneutic Study into the Semiological and Phenomenological Correspondences between Epoch and the Pictoral Concept Ship." "Pictoral Concept Ship." If anyone has a clue as to what this phrase means, and can express that meaning in plain English in 10 words or fewer, please get in touch with us. We fear, or perhaps hope, that the Pictorial Concept Ship is so heavily freighted with meaning that it will soon sink, its location marked thereafter only by a quiet, turgid gurgling of dislodged vowels.* [* It is our earnest hope that Robert Clarke, future Ph.D., would approve of the construction of this Hermeneutically symbolic sentence.] ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-16 Flaunt Your Genome Was your ancestor a famous scientist or inventor? If so, would you like to join us on stage at this year's Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony? The theme of this year's ceremony will be "Heredity." As part of the festivities, we will introduce the nth-generation offspring of great figures in science. They (you?) will be duty- free authority figures, teaming up with several Nobel Laureates and with our presiding monarchs, the curiously beloved Swedish Meatball Queen and King. The ceremony will occur on Thursday evening, September 30 at Harvard's Sanders Theatre, and will be televised live on the Internet, as well as recorded for later broadcast on National Public Radio's "Science Friday" program. If you stick around town until Saturday, June 2, you can join us on stage again, at MIT's Kresge Auditorium, where several of the new Ig Nobel Prize winners will deliver the 1999 Ig Lectures, and where the 1999 Ig Opera will be performed again (the opera will have had its premiere during the Ig Ceremony on Thursday night.) You (they?) will have to do this at your own expense, but what a time they (you?) will have. To get in touch with us, email marca@chem2.harvard.edu or phone 617-491-4437. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-17 Project AIRhead 2000 Here is a further random selection from the Project AIRhead 2000 collection of things inexplicably named (in whole or in part) 2000. ITEM #10559 (submitted by investigator Lou Lippman) Savane Process 2000, a label sewed into certain pants. ITEM #92 (submitted by investigator Tatiana Divens) LE CIRQUE 2000, a posh restaurant in Manhattan featuring "Adam Tihaney's fanciful high-backed banquettes and a whimsical free- floating overhead clock." ITEM #55520 (submitted by investigator Terry Frankcombe) QSM 2000, The name given to the repaving project in the Queen Street Mall in Brisbane, Queensland. ITEM #1000-426-38 (submitted by investigator R. Dyson) BOSCH WFF-2000, a washing machine. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-18 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (This item is in addition to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) The Argument for Subways ÒTaxi rank malaria,Ó D.N. Durrheim, British Medical Journal, vol. 311, no. 7018, December 2, 1995, p. 1507. (Thanks to Caroline Webster for bringing this to our attention.) FOR PRECISION DINING "The density of cream cheese" [article in German], K. Rambke and H. Konrad, Nahrung, vol. 16, no. 5, 1972, pp. 461-6. (Thanks to Anders Olsen for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1999-05-19 AIRhead Events ==> Want to host an event? Call or E-mail 617-491-4437. ALTERNATIVELY, please call W.H. Freeman Publishers, publisher of the book "Best of AIR," at 212-576-9423 ==> For updates of this schedule, see http://www.improbable.com LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, WASHINGTON, DC WED, JUNE 30 Noon, more or less. AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will present an underview of improbable research. Includes the classic slide show "PROFESSOR LIPSCOMB Goes Shopping." [This event is tentatively scheduled. Check the Air web site again soon for details.] UNNAMED LARGE SECRETIVE ORGANIZATION, WASHINGTON, DC WED, JUNE 30 Time and exact location TBA. AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will present an underview of improbable research. Includes the classic slide show "PROFESSOR LIPSCOMB Goes Shopping." INFO: Sally Shelton 9TH FIRST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY THURS, SEPT 30 Sanders Theater, Harvard University. Tickets will go on sale in August. ANNUAL IG LECTURES SAT, OCT 2 Harvard University CHEMICAL INSTITUTE OF CANADA, TORONTO SECTION WED, DEC. 8 Time and exact location TBA. AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will present an underview of improbable research. Includes the classic slide show "PROFESSOR LIPSCOMB Goes Shopping." INFO: Jack Clark |--- ULTRA-ADVANCE LISTING--| MEDICAL LIBRARY ASSOCIATION, UNIV OF UTAH Sept 9-15, 2002 Exact date and location(s) TBA. AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will present a lecture on improbable research at a meeting of the Midcontinental Chapter of the Medical Library Association (MCMLA), and be part of a panel discussion on electronic publishing. INFO: Kathleen McCloskey 801/585-5743 -------------------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-20 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improbable.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-21 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny version of AIR -- rather, it is a tiny supplement to the magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR ----------------------------------------------------- 1999-05-22 Our Address (*) Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@chem2.harvard.edu SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improbable.com WEB SITE: http://www.improbable.com/ --------------------------- 1999-05-23 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1999, Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@chem2.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@best.com) COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Ernest Ersatz, Craig Haggart, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================