PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1999-08 August, 1999 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1999-08-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1999-08-01 Table of Contents 1999-08-02 mini-Housekeeping 1999-08-03 This Month in AIR Itself 1999-08-04 Infinitesimals of Tea 1999-08-05 Ig Tickets and Telecast 1999-08-06 Biscuits on the World Stage 1999-08-07 Volunteer for the Ig? 1999-08-08 Emily, Troy, and the Bear Suit 1999-08-09 Ethics Puzzler of the Month 1999-08-10 Bacterial Agonizing 1999-08-11 Vegetarians Chew on It 1999-08-12 Others Chew on Vegetarians 1999-08-13 Project AIRhead 2000: Suit, Fingers, Fiorella Terenzi 1999-08-14 Big Number Update 1999-08-15 End of the Internet 1999-08-16 EDITORIAL: We Are Humbled 1999-08-17 MAY WE RECOMMEND: Down and Counting, With Swine 1999-08-18 AIRhead Events 1999-08-19 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1999-08-20 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1999-08-21 Our Address (*) 1999-08-22 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. mini-AIR is a free monthly *e-supplement* to AIR, the print magazine ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-02 mini-Housekeeping 1. IG NOBEL PRIZE news there is in abundance. See sections 1999-08-05/06/07/08, and the Ig home page at http://www.improbable.com/ig/ig-top.html 2. SEATTLE and TORONTO will be the sites of AIR shows in the near future (see section 1999-08-18). If you would like to host an additional event in either place, get in touch with us ASAP, please. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-03 This Month in AIR Itself AIR 5:4 (July/August 1999) is the long-awaited special "COFFEE & TEA"" issue. Contents include, in addition to those mentioned in last month's mini-AIR: "What's the Proper Way to Make a Cup of Tea?" by Stephen Drew. A comprehensive agglomeration of research concerning the eternal question. "Nobel Thoughts: WILLIAM LIPSCOMB," by Marc Abrahams. In this exclusive interview, the 1976 Nobel Chemistry Prize winner reveals his candid thoughts on making tea, and repeatedly tries to persuade the interviewer to share a cup. "Investigation Into the Staff Room Coffee Pot," by Stephen M. Baines. The author presents an explanation of two troubling facts: 1. Whenever you wish to obtain a pot of coffee in the staff room there is never any coffee in the pot; and 2. Whenever you want a cup of coffee there are no mugs left. "Cafeteria Review: NASA Ames Research Center, Moffett Field, California," by Scott Sandford. A review of the peculiar cafeteria that puts fuel in the bellies of some of NASA's finest researchers. "Ask Symmetra," by scientist/supermodel Symmetra. In this installment of her regular advice column, Symmetra uses Weddle's rule to calculate how a reader might solve his six-women problem. These and many, many other articles and features are in the current issue of AIR. You are, of course, invited to subscribe to this splendid magazine. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-04 Infinitesimals of Tea The field of Tea and Coffee research grows ever more specialized. Investigator Joshua M Levine makes the point in the dispatch he sent us several days ago: "Researching the sociology of food consumption in merry old England, not far from the white cliffs of Dover, after ordering a meal in a charming country inn, the following ensued:" Waitress:- "Will you have coffee, tea, or milk?" Researcher:- "Tea, please..." W -- Darjeeling, Assam, or China black? R -- Darjeeling, please. W -- Will you have lemon, milk, or cream with that? R -- Milk, please. W -- Alderney, Guernsey, or Jersey? ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-05 Ig Tickets and Telecast There's lots of news about the upcoming Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony. Here are some basics: <> TICKETS for the ceremony are now on sale at the Harvard Box Office at Holyoke Center (617-496-2222) <> DELEGATIONS: We've simplified the process of bringing an official audience delegation to the Ig. <> The LIVE TELECAST on the Internet will be viewable by just about everyone with a 56K or faster connection, thanks to generous assistance from HMS Beagle [www.hmsbeagle.com] and The Alchemist [www.ChemWeb.com/alchemist]. SEVEN of the ten new winners are planning to attend both the Prize ceremony at Harvard and the IG INFORMAL LECTURES two days later at MIT. In addition, the Medicine Prize winner will present a special MEDICAL SEMINAR at Harvard Medical School. Ig tickets always sell out. If you want the best seats, and especially if you plan to bring a delegation, swing into action SOON. For details see the Official Ig Home page at http://www.improbable.com/ig/ig-top.html ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-06 Biscuits on the World Stage We are proud to announce that one of this year's Heisenberg Certainty Lecturers (at the Ig Ceremony) will be the illustrious Professor Len Fisher. Dr. Fisher is the celebrated discoverer of ******************************************** **\ THE OPTIMAL WAY TO DUNK A BISCUIT /** ******************************************** He will be journeying from England to Harvard for the occasion. The Heisenberg lecturers, as you undoubtedly know, are allowed to talk on whatever subject they like, with no restrictions save one: there is a 30-second time limit, strictly enforced by a referee. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-07 Volunteer for the Ig? We still need a few volunteers to help with this, that, and the other thing. Especially the other thing. Somewhat specifically: <> 2 or 3 hospitable folks who would like a genuine Ig Nobel winner as a guest in their home for a few days <> theater techies <> photographers <> etc. For both the Ig ceremony and the Ig Informal Lectures, we also need: <> a Korean/English translator with a sense of humor <> a Japanese/English translator with a sense of humor We are also, of course, still seeking: <> the descendants of famous scientists and inventors to help us honor this year's theme: HEREDITY Details on these and related matters are at http://www.improbable.com/ig/ig-get-involved.html If you would like to help in any of these, or other, ways, please get in touch with us ASAP at . ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-08 Emily, Troy, and the Bear Suit Two of the biggest stars from last year's Ig ceremony will take part again this year: <> 12-yr-old EMILY ROSA, who last year became the youngest author ever published in a major medical journal; and <> TROY ("Project Grizzly") HURTUBISE, 1998 Ig winner, inventor and personal tester of a high-tech suit of armor that is believed to be impervious to grizzly bears. Both Emily and Troy will participate in the Thursday night Ig Ceremony, and two days later will deliver talks at the Ig Informal Lectures. At the Saturday Lectures, Emily will discuss her experience with evolution being taught (or not) in schools. Troy will describe and demonstrate his newest technological advances. Troy's bear suit will be present. While they are in the Boston area, Emily and Troy each is willing to talk with school, technical, and other groups. If you would like to invite one of them to meet your group, please get in touch ASAP 617-491-4437. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-09 Ethics Puzzler of the Month This month's AIRhead Ethics Puzzler Question concerns plagiarism. A mother in upstate New York explained to us that her son's high school teacher refused to accept a paper the son had written unless the son also handed in a rough draft. The mother was outraged, explaining to us that that the paper was of excellent quality, because it was written by the boy's sister, a Cornell University senior majoring in computer science. Upon our suggesting that the lad had committed plagiarism, the mother replied that no, this was not plagiarism -- that what all the OTHER children in the class did was plagiarism because THOSE children paid MONEY to STRANGERS to write their papers. Thus (explained the mother) her son, having paid no money for his paper, and having had it written by a sibling, had in no way committed plagiarism. Our puzzler question is hypothetical: If you had four college-attending siblings, and were forced to choose JUST ONE of them to write your papers for you, then ETHICALLY which one should you choose? 1. A sibling who attends a prestigious college 2. A sibling who is a sister 3. A sibling who refuses to accept payment for written work 4. A sibling who is a computer science major Please send your Ethics Puzzler answer (25 words max, please) to . ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-10 Bacterial Agonizing Emotions, thoughts, and diatribes oozed across the Internet in response to last month's Scientific Correctness Survey (#94). The question was: ARE STRICT VEGETARIANS ALLOWED TO EAT BACTERIA? We heard from vivacious, voracious carnivores, omnivores, and all varieties of vegetarians ranging from strict vegans to one woman who ranted about asparagus being "morally not a vegetable." Many unkind words were written, much moral high ground and intestinal low ground was claimed. All told, the vote ended up at: 32% YES 32% NO 36% OTHER thus settling the matter once and for all, as all our surveys do on the particular matters to which they apply. In the next two sections, we present some of the more memorable comments offered, hurled, hissed, and insinuated by voters. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-11 Vegetarians Chew on It Vegetarians were various in their views. Here are a few. "YUM! I love bacteria!" --Beth Uporsky "To deny vegans stuffed bacteria (i.e., fat little lactobacilli), is to deny happiness. Not-so-strict vegetarians have given up meat, but we won't quit yogurt due to our enjoyment of dining on stuffed bacteria." --Donald J. McGraw "Yes--think taxonomy. In a 5-kingdom classification system, vegetarians are allowed to consume 80% of living things (actual proportions vary)." --Sherry Clark "'Vegetarianism' is based on the old animal-vegetable-mineral taxonomy. Since vegetarians have always been polyphyllaphagous, we can, and do, eat bacteria, as well as mushrooms and salt. Thank you for your interest." --Curt Seeliger "Being a casual vegetarian (I don't like meat, but I'll eat it), I have to say 'other.' Vegetarians should be able to eat the more plantlike bacterium, but should refrain from eating the meatier kind." --Magenta Hari Nezumi "yes. i am a lacto-ovo vegetarian and got this survey question from my father so i figured i'd respond." --Tim Chase ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-12 Others Chew on Vegetarians Here are some of the more and less rabid responses from meat-eaters and their ilk. Absolutely not, poor little things (bacteria not vegetarians) --M.J. Bull No. They can't avoid it and I think they should all be shot. --Meredith Dart Vegetarians have a hard life. Let them have their bacteria and eat them too! --Barbara Cramer Yes. Let 'em eat mitochondria. --Carmie Callobre Yes, but only if it is kosher. --Kevin B. O'Brien No. Their GI tracts should also be purged of their microfauna. Then see how healthy they are. --Tristan Piper Strict vegetarians can appreciate subtle flavors better than "normal" people who don't mind chewing on almost-raw flesh from dead cows. So baked, stuffed bacteria are unacceptable; they insist on bacteria with a hint of cloves, asaphoetida, and cumin, lightly sauteed in vegetable oil and garnished with coelantro. Try it! --Narendra C. Tulpule Anything worth eating raw or close to it comes with a healthy dose of bacteria. What's a vegetarian spoze to do if he can't chomp down on a few million of the little buggers? No bread, fruit, or salads? No nuts? What about yeast, cheese, miso, beer, and wine? Gotta be cuttin some slack here. --Doug Harvey As a microbiologist, I don't see how they can avoid it. Unless they install some kind of autoclavable digestive tract, starting with the mouth. --Barbara MacGregor ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-13 Project AIRhead 2000: Suit, Fingers, Fiorella Terenzi Here is a further random selection from the Project AIRhead 2000 collection of things inexplicably named (in whole or in part) 2000. ITEM 99909 (submitted by investigator Brian A. Dalio) THESUIT2000, a pair of suits, one for women , the other for men . The manufacturer explains that a body will "LOSE 10-20-30 LBS OR MORE by just wearing it!" ITEM 50728 (submitted by investigator Lou Lippman) EYESCAN 2000S, a machine featuring a series of horizontal lights that therapists can set to flash back and forth at various speeds so they will not tire their fingers out waving them back and forth while attempting to use EMDR [Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing] techniques to treat patients suffering from PTSD [Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder]. ITEM 42 (submitted by investigator R.T. Ford) TECHNO 2000, a forum and book signing held in Malibu, California on August 21, focussing on the topic "NEW PARAMETERS FOR A CONSCIOUS FUTURE" and featuring Dr. Fiorella Terenzi. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-14 Big Number Update Here is a progress report in the AIRhead Big Number Competition. The goal, we remind you, is to find the institution which insists on using the longest account numbers. The leader still, so far as we are aware, is Harvard University with its new 33 (thirty-three) digit standard. Comments from the observers: "Did you notice that 'Harvard's new 33-digit Chart of Accounts' contains 33 digits (well, letters and digits)?" --Graham de Vahl Davis, University of New South Wales "As far as I know, the biggest numbers are used by 'The Unit Trust of India' a mutual fund type trust institution. They use id numbers 25 digits long as far as I can recall." --Arindam Chakrabarti "While it is not up to the 33-digit standard of Harvard, my undergraduate alma mater the University of Waterloo (Ontario, Canada) switched to 31-digit numbers a few years ago. See http://www.adm.uwaterloo.ca/infofsp/why.html " --Mary Ellen Foster "While my institution cannot beat that (we max out in the 20 range), I've noticed that my personal bills demonstrate an inverse proportion of accounting digits to the actual importance of the bill. For example, my mortgage has 10 digits, while the cable TV bill has more than 20, with an evenly distributed spectrum in between. Anyone else have a similar, equally disturbing situation?" --Matt Krogh ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-15 End of the Internet The end of the Internet is at hand. See http://opaldata.com/the_end/index.html ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-16 EDITORIAL: We Are Humbled We have been topped, and we're not ashamed to admit it. AIR has been trying to relieve the world of a burden -- the burden of settling contentious scientific questions. Our method was to conduct public opinion polls on each question, and then declare the matter settled. This was much less work -- and much quicker -- than the old, scientific method of conducting a careful investigation. Now someone has come up with an even simpler way. Last week the Kansas Board of Education settled the question of evolution. The Board's method was simple: they voted evolution out of existence, by a tally of 6-4. The method was powerful, too. It both raised and settled a question which no one else(*) considered to be much of a question. "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication," wrote philosopher Steve Jobs about twenty years ago. Thus, the Kansas Board of Education may represent the ultimate in sophistication. If ever you have a question about any scientific matter, don't waste your time and effort doing research. Ask the sophisticated people at the Kansas Board of Education to vote on it for you. They're at http://www.ksbe.state.ks.us/commiss/board.html (*) except a very few ultimate sophisticates ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-17 MAY WE RECOMMEND: Down and Counting, With Swine Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (For a much larger collection, see any issue of AIR.) REASONING ABILITY "Fear of death in parachute jumpers," Michelle Alexander and David Lester, Perceptual and Motor Skills, vol. 34, no. 1, 1972, pp. 338. PERIODIC HONOR "Circaseptennian [about 7-year] periodicity in the distribution of birth years of Nobel laureates for physics," J. Verhulst, and P. Onghena, Psychological Reports, vol. 82, no. 1, February 1998, pp. 127-30. (Thanks to Carole Wilcox for bringing this to our attention.) The authors, who are at the Louis Bolk Institute in The Netherlands, report that: The distribution of birth years for Nobel physicists shows a circaseptennian (about 7-year) periodicity. This observation extends an earlier observation of a circaseptennian pattern in the distribution of birth years for early quantum physicists. In both categories, birth rate tends to maximize in years belonging to the (7n + 4) phase. SWINE SURFACE SURVEY "Body surface area of female swine," K.W. Kelley, S.E. Curtis, G.T. Marzan, H.M. Karara, and C.R .Anderson, Journal of Animal Science, vol. 36, no. 5, May 1973, pp. 927-30. (Thanks to Arn Bailey for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1999-08-18 AIRhead Events ==> Want to host an event? Call or E-mail 617-491-4437. ==> For updates of this schedule, see http://www.improbable.com 9TH FIRST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY THURS, SEPT 30 7:30 pm. Sanders Theater, Harvard University. Tickets available from the Harvard Box Office 617-496-2222 INFO: http://www.improbable.com/ig/ig-top.html ANNUAL IG LECTURES SAT, OCT 2 1:00 pm. Kresge Little Theater, MIT Ticket info TBA. INFO: http://www.improbable.com/ig/ig-top.html HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL DATE TBA Special guest lecture by the 1999 Ig Nobel Medicine Prize winner. Details to be announced. INFO: http://www.improbable.com/ig/ig-top.html NEW ENGLAND SKEPTICAL SOCIETY SAT, OCT 16 Details TBA. INFO: Jon Blumenfeld AMERICAN VACUUM SOCIETY 46th INT'L SYMPOSIUM OCT 25-29 SEATTLE, at the Washington State Convention Center. AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS and co-conspirators will be the plenary speakers. Session details TBA. Info: Pat Looney (301) 975-4806 UNIV OF WATERLOO, ONTARIO TUES, DEC 7 2:30 pm. Details TBA. INFO: Dan Berry CHEMICAL INSTITUTE OF CANADA, TORONTO SECTION WED, DEC. 8 8:30 pm. Univ. of Toronto, Erindale Campus 3359 Mississauga Rd. AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will present an underview of improbable research. Includes the classic slide show "PROFESSOR LIPSCOMB Goes Shopping." INFO: Jack Clark AAAS ANNUAL MEETING, WASHINGTON DC Fri evening, Feb 18, 2000 AIR authors will present their traditionally improbable session at the American Association for the Advancement of Science's annual meeting. Featuring, among others, AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS, "A Briefer History of Time" author ERIC SCHULMAN, and the more-or-less ORIGINAL CAST of one of the Ig Nobel mini-operas starring mezzo- soprano MARGOT BUTTON and various Nobel laureates. Further details TBA. |--- ADVANCE LISTING--| MEDICAL LIBRARY ASSOCIATION, UNIV OF UTAH Sept 9-15, 2002 Exact date and location(s) TBA. AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will present a lecture on improbable research at a meeting of the Midcontinental Chapter of the Medical Library Association (MCMLA), and be part of a panel discussion on electronic publishing. INFO: Kathleen McCloskey 801/585-5743 -------------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-19 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ 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To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR ----------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-21 Our Address (*) Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@chem2.harvard.edu SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improbable.com WEB SITE: http://www.improbable.com/ --------------------------- 1999-08-22 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1999, Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@chem2.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (airmaster@improbable.com) COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Ernest Ersatz, Craig Haggart, Nicki Rohloff MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================