PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 2000-01 January, 2000 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 2000-01-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 2000-01-01 Table of Contents 2000-01-02 mini-Housekeeping 2000-01-03 What's New in the Magazine 2000-01-04 Minimal Bureaucracy 2000-01-05 Economic Fits, Starts, Misfits, Stops 2000-01-06 Between the Beginnings 2000-01-07 Masses of Evidence 2000-01-08 Up With Down With Evolution 2000-01-09 Pianist Wanted 2000-01-10 AIRhead SciFaiku -- The 1st Load 2000-01-11 Rules Guy 2000-01-12 Windy Observations in the Rigging 2000-01-13 Ear-ly Warning System 2000-01-14 Calculating Forever 2000-01-15 Loads of HotAIR 2000-01-16 Project AIRhead 2000: Wipe and Fly 2000-01-17 MAY WE RECOMMEND: Certificates and Claws 2000-01-18 AIRhead Events 2000-01-19 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 2000-01-20 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 2000-01-21 Our Address (*) 2000-01-22 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. mini-AIR is a free monthly *e-supplement* to AIR, the print magazine ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-02 mini Housekeeping Come to the AIR events in February in New Mexico, Maryland, DC, and NJ. See section 2000-01-18 for details. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-03 What's New in the Magazine AIR 6:1 (January/February 2000) is the long-awaited (and typically delayed) special annual IG NOBEL ISSUE. It includes, among other things: <> Full, graphic, detailed, hard- and soft-hitting reports on the Ninth 1st Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony. <> "How to Quantify Failure," by Martin J. Murphy. <> "Feline Reactions To Bearded Men: Czar Goes Through the Gate." These and many, many other articles and features are in the current issue of AIR. You are, of course, invited to subscribe to that splendid magazine. (What you are reading at this moment, of course, is mini-AIR, a tiny, monthly, electronic supplement to the print magazine.) [OUR TRADITIONAL LATE JANUARY ABJECT NOTE TO SUBSCRIBERS: As usual, the Ig Nobel issue, with its avalanche of photographs and masses of detail, has wandered its way through the production process a little later than we expected it to. Your issue should be arriving in the mail either this week or within the next several, depending on the trade winds and the kindness of your local postal authorities.] ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-04 Minimal Bureaucracy This month's Scientific Precision Survey concerns mathematics: What is the minimum number of people needed to constitute a bureaucracy? Please send your answer, with an explanation not exceeding 25 words in length, to . IMPORTANT: Send duplicate, etc., reports to your own bureaucracy, not to ours. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-05 Economic Fits, Starts, Misfits, Stops Investigator Lois Malone has developed a credible theory to explain why the business world has slowed considerably since January 1. Here, in its public debut, is that theory: "The big buying spree at the end of 1999 was rooted in the belief that the world was going to end and they'd never have to pay the bills. Now the world is still going on, and, aw, heck, they have to pay the bills." [METHODOLOGY, for the .00035% of readers who want to know: Ever since we did or did not enter a new millennium, Malone has been surveying businessmen and polling businesswomen. The resultant data were compared with those obtained by polling businessmen and surveying businesswomen. The data were then normalized and jiggered.] ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-06 Between the Beginnings People have already started sending in quibbles and corrections to last month's "when does the new millennium start?" compromise. (Rather than January, 2000 or January 1, 2001, the new millennium beginning is July 1, 2000.) Our solution made the sensible assumption that the month is the smallest practical unit of millennial time, and the optimistic assumption that no one really cares about this problem. Investigator Ivan Zezula (echoed by others) objects: "It is a typical physical (or physicists') approximation, with mean done only by months. Exact solution must take into consideration number of days in the leap year: 2000-01-01 + 366/2 = 2000-07-02. So the true compromise is July 2nd." Investigator Barry Simon goes a partial step further: "Too bad it's a leap year because if the year had only 365 days, the millennium would begin at noon which would be convenient." Investigator Irving Lerch opts for the basic compromise, but points out an exception: "Yes, I agree, since most organizations begin their fiscal year on July 1. However, the Federal Government begins its fiscal year on October 1. Therefore, for most of America, the new millennium begins on July 1, 2000. However, for the Federal Government, the new millennium will be delayed until October 1, 2000." ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-07 Masses of Evidence An alternative, democratic Millenium starter system was developed by investigator Hauke Reddmann: "Wouldn't it be fairer to statistically weight by the number of followers? I've done this tentatively and come upon a date of February 15, 1999, which is just incidentally the date when the Chinese celebrate the new millennium." ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-08 Up With Down With Evolution Investigator John Mark Rothfuss objects to one of the recently awarded Ig Nobel Prizes: "I have to take exception with your inclusion of the Kansas and Colorado School Boards for their attempts to reign in scientific elitism. After having reviewed their recommendations I find that there was nothing offensive about their conclusions. It also seems that you felt it allowable to disregard your own guidelines in this instance. I am referring to the guideline: First, do no harm. Please don't try to defend your position on this, as you clearly had no regard for their careers or endeavors." ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-09 Pianist Wanted If you are a good pianist with a sense of humor and a full complement of fingers and would like to be part of the big AIR show in Washington, DC on Friday night, Feb. 18, please get in touch with Marc at . ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-10 AIRhead SciFaiku -- The 1st Load Last month we made the mistake of asking for new poetry that is compressed, intriguing, and about science. Many of you made the mistake of writing and sending some. Here is the first selection of this non-art non-form called Scifaiku:. Test tubes -- don't listen To taunts. They're just trying to Get a reaction --Alice Waugh Repulsive pole! You give me but half A moment --Steve Brunt My red, ripe tomato has altered genetics... What smells like fish? --Bob Wakulich I have posted my Findings on a friends web site So I must be right --David Emigh Uncle Henry's wife Broke her hip. A victim of Auntie gravity --Gary Hallock ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-11 Rules Guy Investigative poet Marcus Chang has issued a plea: "I find the restrictions of Haiku a wonderful exercise in creativity. We writers (I, professionally) often fear total freedom and a blank page the most. I find it very disappointing that the scientific community, with its myriad rules, regulations, procedures, etc., chooses to do away with the very rules that make haiku haiku. Without those delineations, the words become free verse and, in my humble opinion as a writer, pretty darn suck city. Bring back the rules and watch your contributors blossom." We agree with investigator Chang. Therefore, please read and obey the following NOTICE Henceforth, we will publish only Scifaiku that conforms to rules. Please include, with each of your Scifaiku submissions, a list of rules to which it conforms. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-12 Windy Observations in the Rigging The Statistics Certification Institute certified the results of last month's Statistical Reliability Survey. The survey question was: "Do you think that mini-AIR survey's are all rigged?" The results: 141% say yes 302% say no Thus, a clear majority expressed an opinion. Minorities, too, were heard from. Here are some of their observations: "No. Rigging requires organization." --Bill Llewellin "Yes, for sure! A lot of people conspire to this end; they all maliciously send in their votes, and the outcome is cunningly decided by the statistics of their opinions. By this insidious scheme, the result often is rigged to deviate from the truth, supremely represented by my opinion." --Anders Eriksson "Yes, I believe all of the mini-AIR surveys are rigged. This is because I have never seen any of my witty and poignant, yet scientifically relevant, responses in e-print to this point." --Scott Taylor ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-13 Ear-ly Warning System The following is an Ear Alert. mini-AIR readers in the London area are urged to take themselves, their paper airplanes, and some snack food to Savoy Place at 2:45 pm on March 2. There they will see D.J. Hurley, M.S. Nixon and J.N. Carter of the University of Southampton present a paper entitled "AUTOMATIC EAR RECOGNITION BY FORCE FIELD TRANSFORMATIONS." (Thanks to investigator Edwin Spector for bringing this to our attention.) For details, see http://www.iee.org.uk/Events/e02mar00.htm ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-14 Calculating Forever We proudly announce Project Forever. Project Forever is a contest to determine the exact value of the physical constant "forever." Here is how to participate: 1. Obtain a one-kilogram diamond. 2. Using the well-known law of nature "Diamonds Are Forever" and the laws of thermodynamics, calculate the effects of entropy on your diamond. Report the exact date on which that diamond's constituents will have attained a state of complete dissociation. The winner -- the person or team reporting the most accurate value -- will receive a dissociated two-kilogram diamond. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-15 Loads of HotAIR Speaking of forever, we assure you that the load of exciting and dull new features on the AIR web site, the beloved HotAIR (http://www.improbable.com), will indeed begin appearing any day now. Honest. Really. Golly. Shucks. Etc. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-16 Project AIRhead 2000: Wipe and Fly Here are further selections from our vast collection of items that inexplicably have 2000 as part of their name. ITEM 60204 (submitted by investigators Alison Brown and Barbara Rohrhofer) HAKLE 2000, Austrian toilet paper. ITEM RY-5306 (submitted by investigator Graham de Vahl Davis) K-2000, an airline that, until its demise several weeks ago, offered cheap flights between Australia and New Zealand. ----------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-17 MAY WE RECOMMEND: Certificates and Claws Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (For a much larger collection, see any issue of AIR.) CERTIFICATION CAUTION "Avoidable mistakes in filling out death certificates" [Article in German], Zeitschrift Fur Arztliche Fortbildung, J. Berndt and H. Zschoch, vol. 66, no. 8, April 15, 1972, pp. 424-7. (Thanks to Robert Feld et al. for bringing this to our attention.) CLAWS AND EFFECTS "The effect of processing treatments on the radiation-induced ESR signal in the cuticle of irradiated Norway lobster (Nephrops norvegicus)," E.M. Stewart, M.H. Stevenson, R. Gray, and C.H. McMurray, Radiation Physics and Chemistry, vol. 42, nos. 1-3, 1993, pp. 367-70. (Thanks to Iris Danner et al. for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 2000-01-18 AIRhead Events ==> For details and updates see http://www.improbable.com ==> Want to host an event? 617-491-4437. NEW MEXICO TECH, SOCORRO Thurs, Feb 3 7:30 pm. at the Macey Center. AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS. Sponsored by the New Mexico Tech Graduate Student Organization. Includes "Professor Lipscomb Makes a Cup of Tea." DETAILS: http://www.nmt.edu/mainpage/pas/abrahams.html INFO: Ronna Kalish (505) 835-5688 NEW MEXICO STATE UNIV, LAS CRUCES Fri, Feb 4 3:30 (preceded by refreshments at 3:00) The Gerald Thomas Building, room 200. (For a campus map see http://www.nmsu.edu/General/Maps/ ) AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS and 1999 Ig Nobel Biology Prize winner PAUL BOSLAND. Includes "Professor Lipscomb Makes a Cup of Tea." Info: Paul Bosland 505-646-5171 UNIV OF NEW MEXICO, ALBUQUERQUE Mon, Feb 7 7 pm. Anthropology room 163. (For a campus map, see http://www.unm.edu/campusmap.html ) AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS. Includes "Professor Lipscomb Makes a Cup of Tea." INFO: Dennis Lai Chao 505-277-5957 LOS ALAMOS NATIONAL LAB Tues, Feb 8 1:10 pm. Director's Colloquium. AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS. Location TBA. INFO: Juanita Salazar 505-667-9087 UNIV OF MARYLAND AT COLLEGE PARK Wed, Feb 16 4:00, Physics Building, the large lecture hall (room 412). Preceded by departmental tea at 3:30. (For a campus map, see http://www.umd.edu/visitors/ ) AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS. Sponsored by the Univ of Maryland Society of Physics Students. Lab coats and paper airplanes not required, but strongly encouraged. Includes "Professor Lipscomb Makes a Cup of Tea." INFO: Sara Mitchell NASW PLENARY SESSION (at AAAS), WASHINGTON Thurs, Feb 17 8-10 am. AIR editor Marc Abrahams will be part of the National Association of Science Writers (NASW) plenary session panel. This event is open to NASW members only. Info: Mary Knudsen AAAS ANNUAL MEETING, WASHINGTON DC Fri, Feb 18 9:00 pm. AIR authors will present their traditionally improbable session at the American Association for the Advancement of Science's annual meeting. Featuring, among other things: <> AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS; <> Studmuffins of Science creator KAREN HOPKIN; <> "A Briefer History of Time" author ERIC SCHULMAN; <> "The Curious Deaths of Museum Curators" author SALLY SHELTON; <> Intelligent crab author ROBERT REID; <> "Feline Reactions to Bearded Men;" <> "Professor Lipscomb Makes a Cup of Tea;" and <> live performance of songs from the Ig Nobel ceremonies. Further details TBA. AMERICAN CHEMICAL SOCIETY, PRINCETON UNIV Tues, Feb 22 Details TBA. ACS dinner at 6 pm to be followed by a public lecture at 8 pm by AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS. INFO: Warren Warren (609)258-3910 TUFTS VET SCHOOL, PHI ZETA AWARDS CEREMONY Thurs, Feb 24 AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS. INFO: Don Brown 508-839-5395 X84655 NEW ENGLAND SKEPTICAL SOCIETY -- YALE UNIV SEPT. Date and exact location TBA. AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS et al. INFO: Jon Blumenfeld http://www.theness.com/member.html TENTH FIRST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY THURS, OCT 5 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go in sale in August. IG LECTURES SAT, OCT 6 MIT (room TBA) The 2000 Ig Nobel Prizewinners will attempt to explain themselves. -------------------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-19 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ SUBSCRIPTIONS (6 issues per year): USA 1 yr/$23 2 yrs/$39 3 yrs/$59 Canada/Mexico 1 yr/$27 US 2 yrs/$45 US 3 yrs/$67 US Overseas 1 yr/$40 US 2 yrs/$70 US 3 yrs/$99 US ................................................................ BACK ISSUES are available, too: First issue: $8 USA, $11 Canada/Mex, $16 overseas Add'l issues purchased at same time: $6 each ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 ----------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-20 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. Mini-AIR is a (free!) tiny monthly *supplement* to the bi-monthly print magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR ----------------------------------------------------- 2000-01-21 Our Address (*) Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@chem2.harvard.edu SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improbable.com WEB SITE: www.improbable.com --------------------------- 2000-01-22 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 2000, Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@chem2.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (airmaster@improbable.com) COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Ernest Ersatz, Craig Haggart, Nicki Rohloff MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================