PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 2000-05 May, 2000 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 2000-05-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 2000-05-01 Table of Contents 2000-05-02 mini-Housekeeping 2000-05-03 What's New in the Magazine 2000-05-04 Da Man Survey 2000-05-05 Sludge Cake Gala 2000-05-06 Your Abandoned Thing? 2000-05-07 Nature vs. Nurture: Neither 2000-05-08 More Beauty Counts 2000-05-09 The Next Omni-Therapy 2000-05-10 What in the World 2000-05-11 Fruits & Vegetables, Both Sexes 2000-05-12 Bed Danger 2000-05-13 Light Entertainment 2000-05-14 NOBEL THOUGHTS: Horst Störmer 2000-05-15 Tsk Tsk: In the End 2000-05-16 Shaken, Not Stirred or Shook 2000-05-17 Crabby Reactions 2000-05-18 Re-Discovery 2000-05-19 J'Accuse: Los Alamos 2000-05-20 Prize Prediction 2000-05-21 AIR VENTS: Resonant Men 2000-05-22 Get All Wound-Up 2000-05-23 Project AIRhead 2000: Turkey and Septic Helper 2000-05-24 Jesus Mustache Roman 2000-05-25 MAY WE RECOMMEND: Buy, Boil, Smell 2000-05-26 AIRhead Events 2000-05-27 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 2000-05-28 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 2000-05-29 Our Address (*) 2000-05-30 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. mini-AIR is a free monthly *e-supplement* to AIR, the print magazine ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-02 mini Housekeeping 1. We now post new features on our web site (http://www.improbable.com) every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Check them out. 2. For (software) reasons beyond our ken, some of you did not receive last month's mini-AIR. Sorry about that. You can find every back issue archived on our web site at http://www.improbable.com/airchives/airchives-top.html ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-03 What's New in the Magazine AIR 6:3 (May/June 2000) is the special CRIME & PUNISHMENT issue. The issue includes, among other things: <> "WHAT DOES CRIME TASTE LIKE? A TEST OF THE MCGRUFF HYPOTHESIS," by Matthew Hickman and Brian Lawton. The authors conducted an experiment to see if subjects could taste the difference between the leg of a convicted criminal and a placebo of roast beef. <> "CRIME AND PUNISHMENT -- A PERSONAL MEDITATION," by Harold P. Dowd (with a "w," not a "u"). The author sets forth and back his views on the once-classic novel by Tolstoyevski. <> "NOBEL THOUGHTS: MURRAY GELL-MANN," by Marc Abrahams. In an exclusive interview, the 1969 Nobel physics laureate discloses his views on nicknames, and names three people whom he believes should receive an Ig Nobel Prize. <> "PROFESSOR LIPSCOMB GOES SHOPPING," a photo essay depicting the 1976 Nobel Chemistry laureate's weekly trip to his local supermarket. <> ...and much more. See the cover and full table of contents at http://www.improbable.com/airchives/paperair/volume6/v6i3/v6i3- toc.html (What you are reading at this moment is mini-AIR, a teeny, tiny, monthly e-mail supplement to the print magazine.) ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-04 Da Man Survey We hereby announce the official AIR "Who da man?" Science Survey. On April 6, J. Craig Ventor, the president and chief scientific officer of Celera Genomics, announced that his company has "completed the sequencing phase of one person's genome." That one special person, Ventor indicated, is a male. However, Ventor would not divulge the fellow's name. Who is the man? We and you are dying to know. We have narrowed the field to three leading contenders. Please vote for the one whom you think is "da man." Do you think he is: a) Craig Ventor; b) Craig Ventor; or c) Craig Ventor Please send your vote to ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-05 Sludge Cake Gala Looking for (northern hemisphere) scientific summer adventure and romance? Then book reservations soon for the event billed as "IQPC's 8th International Sewage Sludge Event". Details are at http://www.improbable.com/news/2000/april2000/sludge-gala-2000- 04.html ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-06 Your Abandoned Thing? Perhaps you have doodled something strangely fascinating. Perhaps you abandoned the doodled piece of paper on a table at a scientific conference. Perhaps investigator Karen Hopkin found the thing and sent it to the Annals of Improbable Research, and we published it. Then perhaps you can see it at http://www.improbable.com/airchives/paperair/volume6/v6i2/meeting- complexity-2000-05.html ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-07 Nature vs. Nurture: Neither Last month's Scientific Correctness Survey (#62), like all our Scientific Correctness Surveys, was designed to settle, once and for all, a burning scientific controversy. And it has. The question was: Which determines an individual's personality: 1. Nature 2. Nurture 3. Neither The vote is in. The results have been certified and manipulated. Here they are: Nature 27% Nurture 22% Neither 51% Several voters tried to vote for a combination of Nature and Nurture. Their votes were disallowed, and their names reported to educational, governmental, and other disinterested, vengeful authorities. Here are some comments made by voters as they left the polling place: "Nurture. Anyone answering anything to the contrary is incorrect. I am surprised to see a question like this, given all the studies that have gone on in the last twenty-plus years -- and still continue -- concerning this very topic." --Lee Hoffman "The factor which determines an individual's personality is diet. For example, people who have a high fiber diet tend to be exuberant. A low fiber diet makes one introverted and restrained." --Dan Strick My response is a question. My question is, "what is the question?" I don't see a question mark. How can you do a survey without asking questions? Are all your surveys like this? (I don't remember -- perhaps because one of the areas where I am scientifically challenged is that my powers of observation are poor?) --Damien V. Renaldi ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-08 More Beauty Counts Our Beauty Counts Contest, to identify the most beautiful mathematical entity in the universe(s), produced nothing but winners. Some of them were in last month's mini-AIR. A further crop is at http://www.improbable.com/news/2000/may2000/beauty- counts-2000-05.html Included is a photo of an investigator who has been bio-engineered to put both ankles behind her head. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-09 The Next Omni-Therapy Thirty years ago it was pyramids. Twenty years ago pyramids were superseded by crystals. Ten years ago crystals were superseded by shark cartilage. In the past five years, shark cartilage was superseded by magnets. Now it is time to for a new, even more incipient universal omni-therapy for pain and disability. Rather than let the marketplace operate in its usual slow, haphazard matter, we can all of us work together, cogno-intellectually, to find and publicize the next omni-therapy. So far the leading contenders are (a) crow's feet, (b) aluminum, and (c) gaskets. We are testing each of them on distressed sufferers 24 hours a night, in the HMO-NO Corporate Compassion Laboratory Complex basement annex. But it is possible that none of these three cures -- despite their obvious efficacy -- will be the omni-therapy that will be accepted, certified, and infomationalized by consensus of the holistic health consciousness therapy community. Perhaps you know of a better, as yet unappreciated, substance, object, or quasi-dimensional harmonic entity. Please send your nomination for next omni-therapy to: Omni-Therapy c/o . The winning entry will receive a free autographed (by somebody) copy of the Annals of Improbable Research, and a free magnet. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-10 What in the World If you've heard strange things on the radio the last few months, they may have been coming from our editor, Marc Abrahams, who has been on public radio's "The World," discussing cogno-intellectual research around the world with anchor Lisa Mullins. There is no fixed schedule for these AIRy reports, but audio for each one is made available for the subsequent 24 hours on http://www.theworld.org/ ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-11 Fruits & Vegetables, Both Sexes For the complete citations of "Evaluation of Vacuum Containers for Consumer Storage of Fruits and Vegetables" and "The Urine-Storing Vagina in Both Sexes," see http://www.improbable.com/news/2000/may2000/fruits-vegies-2000- 05.html ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-12 Bed Danger How dangerous is it to stay in bed? We have prepared a partially full report, based on recent and not-recent research involving bedding, bugs, snoring, and the classic scientific paper "A Bed Ecosystem." Details are at http://www.improbable.com/news/2000/may2000/bed-danger-2000- 05.html ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-13 Light Entertainment Last month we reported being puzzled by a phone call from a "research firm" conducting a "Survey on Entertainment and Laser Activity." Several investigators have now clarified the matter for us. Here are their reports: "That would involve blowing large holes in objects at great distances. This is the only manly application for a laser." --Albert Pergande "Cats will chase a laser pointer spot. This exercises the cat and entertains the human (and possibly the cat). This use is patented." --Mark A. Mandel "At theme parks you will see lasers being utilized for entertainment purposes. There are a group of architects, designers, and others (my "significant other" is one of them) who are involved in this process. We're in the Hollywood, California area, but you're not, and that seems to be why you didn't understand that inquiry." --Paulette Caswell "This simply involves using a 200,000,000 Tetrawatt laser and discharging the thing at Teletubbie dolls. I can't think of any better union of the two." --Gene Valido ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-14 NOBEL THOUGHTS: Horst Störmer Horst Stormer has a Nobel Prize in Physics. More impressive, though, is his record of amassing only TWO parking tickets in all his years of parking a car on New York City streets. Stormer revealed his secrets in an exclusive interview published in AIR 6:2. We have also made it available, for educational and automotive purposes, at http://www.improbable.com/airchives/paperair/volume6/v6i2/horst- stormer-6-2.html ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-15 Tsk Tsk: In the End Some months ago our Tsk Tsk Survey asked for examples of really bizarre and/or disgusting jobs scientists inflict on their assistants and students. Investigator Kate Walsh has alerted us to a Tsk Tsk task which has hitherto gone unappreciated by the general public. Investigator Walsh discovered it in the following report: "Repeated Manual Evacuation for Treatment of Rectal Tears in Four Horses," L.M. Katz and C.L. Ragle, Journal of the American Veterinary Medical Association, vol. 215, 1999, pp. 1473-7. The report's authors describe the work thusly: "Repeated manual evacuation of the rectum was performed every 1 to 2 hours for the first 72 hours in an attempt to prevent progressive enlargement of the tear as a result of accumulation of feces in the rectum. Each time that rectal palpation was performed, a rectal sleeve was not used; instead, an abundance of lubrication was applied to the bare arm to increase the sensitivity of palpation when evaluating the tear and to decrease irritation to the rectal mucosa." Investigator Walsh has experience in such matters, and she is thus able to supply the unpublished conclusion: "You can bet the veterinary students, not the instructors, did this task." ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-16 Shaken, Not Stirred or Shook There is a relationship between (a) Canadian doctors who experiment with martinis and (b) experimental balls which, to quote NASA, "are shook in a special chamber." The relationship is explained, or at least described, or at the very least indicated at http://www.improbable.com/news/2000/may2000/shook-stirred-2000- 05.html ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-17 Crabby Reactions Many readers kindly pointed out our error last month in saying that horseshoe crabs are crustaceans. As several of them phrased it (in a case of simultaneous originality?): "Although it is called a 'crab,' it is neither a decopod or crustacean, rather horseshoe crabs are grouped in their own class (Merostomata), which is more closely related to the arachnids." Investigator Horace R. Smithson weighed in with a discovery of his own: "Horseshoe crabs are not crustaceans. They are mammals." We stand corrected. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-18 Re-Discovery In case you're curious about AIR's new Re-Discovery column, which we've been burbling about for a while now, take a look at the very first one, which was published in The March/April issue of AIR and which is now on our web site at http://www.improbable.com/airchives/paperair/volume6/v6i2/sonnebor n-6-2.html Re-Discovery is an ongoing, not necessarily humorous, look at intriguing research that's been nearly overlooked or forgotten. The first column concern's T.M. Sonneborn's discovery that some single-celled animals apparently pass information to their descendants via something other than their genes. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-19 J'Accuse: Los Alamos We have solved a terrible mystery, and now we must point a finger. The past year has been filled with seemingly inexplicable events in one of the world's most respected scientific communities. A Los Alamos scientist was accused of vague but tremendously ominous- sounding treachery. Weather forecasts somehow were not conveyed to the people who were carefully planning a small preventive fire, and high winds turned prevention into cause. The world, and rabble-rousing politicians, wonder how, how, how these things could happen. We now know the cause. Thanks to investigators at PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), we have obtained key information. We now know that (1) milk causes mental aberrations: "Robert Cade, the brilliant inventor of Gatorade (Department of Medicine and Physiology, University of Florida), financed and performed a study that may very well earn him next year's Nobel Prize in Medicine. Dr. Cade and co-author, Ahongjie Sun, identified a protein in cow's milk that caused violent and abnormal behavior when given to laboratory rats." --PETA [for further details see http://www.peta-online.org and http://www.notmilk.com/deb/032899.html] We also know, from our own investigation, that (2) milk is served -- EVERY DAY -- in the cafeteria at Los Alamos National Laboratory and at the schools in the town of Los Alamos; and that (3) ice cream is dispensed at low cost, without doctor's prescription, at numerous locations in the area. Thanks to PETA, we also now know that (4) milk causes acne, asthma, diabetes, two kinds of cancer, Crohn's disease, and early sexual maturation [see http://www.milksucks.com/zits.html and http://www.notmilk.com/ailmenu.html]. If something is not done -- NOW -- to shut off the milk taps in Los Alamos, we are about to see plagues there of biblical, perhaps even Tellurian, proportions. NO MORE MILK FOR LOS ALAMOS! We must protect our precious bodily fluids. Thank you. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-20 Prize Prediction Our survey of sexually over-mature, diabetic acne sufferers indicates that Robert Cade, the brilliant inventor of Gatorade, may very well win this year's Nobel Prize in Medicine. Congratulations, Professor Cade! ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-21 AIR VENTS: Resonant Men Here is another grouping of words from various steamed and esteemed readers. TWICE THE MAN HE WAS "A former colleague at Edinburgh University, F. David L. Walker, was turned into two people on one paper -- F. David and L. Walker. I think it was in 'Contributions to Mineralogy and Petrology.'" --Damian Carrington THRICE THE MAN "I have to comment on investigator Beatrice Lin's symmetrical moniker reversal report about her mother's name: 'Lin-Lin Lin.' My uncle's name is Robert Robert Roberts. We all call him Triple- Bob." --Jaye Lampe ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-22 Get All Wound-Up We have determined how engineers can save the world by a judicious use of wind-up toys. Details are at http://www.improbable.com/airchives/classical/marc-design/wind-up- skills-2000-05.html ----------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-23 Project AIRhead 2000: Turkey and Septic Helper Here are further selections from our vast collection of items that inexplicably have 2000 as part of their name. ITEM 3206 (submitted by investigator Chunk Kiesling) SEPTIC HELPER 2000, manufactured by Krane Products, Inc. For details see http://www.kraneproducts.com/septic.html ITEM 71-44C (submitted by investigator Robert Chambers) BERNARD MATTHEWS TURKEY 2000, frozen pieces of mechanically- recovered turkey, compressed and covered in a crunchy brown substance and formed into the shape of the number 2000. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-24 Jesus Mustache Roman Who was Professor Jesus Mustache Roman? We have just a bare inkling. If you know more than we do and are willing to spill your guts, please see http://www.improbable.com/news/2000/may2000/jesus-mustache-2000- 05.html ----------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-25 MAY WE RECOMMEND: Buy, Boil, Smell Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (For a much larger collection, see any issue of AIR.) BUY, BUY, BUY "Comparison of Buying Behavior in Depressed Patients Presenting With or Without Compulsive Buying," M. Lejoyeux, N. Haberman, J. Solomon, and J, Ades, Comprehensive Psychiatry, vol. 40, no. 1, January-February 1999, pp. 51-6. The authors are at Hopital Bichat-Claude Bernard, Paris, France. PABLUM: AFTERWARDS "Thin-Layer Drying of Parboiled Rice," G. Elber, M.P. Tolaba, and C. Suarez, International Drying Society Proceedings & Drying, vol. 2, 1998. TWIN EXHAUST "Real and Imaginary Halitosis," C. Hawkins, British Medical Journal (Clinical Research Edition), vol. 294, no. 6566, January 24, 1987, pp. 200-1. ------------------------------------------------------------ 2000-05-26 AIRhead Events ==> For details and updates see http://www.improbable.com ==> Want to host an event? 617-491-4437. UNIVERSITY OF CINCINNATI JULY Date and time to be announced soon. DAYTON, OHIO THURS, JULY 13 AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will publicly explore the state of improbable research & engineering. The event is part of the Materials, Manufacturing and Enabling Technologies Series. INFO: Wade Adams PHILADELPHIA Dates and times to be announced soon. NEW ENGLAND SKEPTICAL SOCIETY -- YALE UNIV., NEW HAVEN SEPT. Date and exact location TBA AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS et al. will discuss and illustrate the Ig Nobel Prizes and improbable Research in general. INFO: Jon Blumenfeld http://www.theness.com/member.html TENTH FIRST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY THURS, OCT 5 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go in sale in August. IG LECTURES SAT, OCT 7 MIT (room TBA) The 2000 Ig Nobel Prizewinners will attempt to explain themselves. SOCIETY OF AUTOMOTIVE ENGINEERS, DEARBORN, MI THURS, OCT 12 AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will be the dinner speaker at the SAE TOPTEC symposium. INFO: Kurt Godden INTERNATIONAL ELECTRON DEVICES MEETING, SAN FRANCISCO TUES, DEC 12 AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will ruin lunch by discussing the Ig Nobel Prizes and the current state of improbable research. Details TBA. INFO: Mark Law (352) 392-6459 STANFORD UNIVERSITY WED, FEB 14, 2001 Valentine's Day improbable Research with: <> AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS <> "How to Quantity Failure" author MARTIN J. MURPHY <> "UFOs & Internal Combustion Engines" author SCOTT SANDFORD <> and other surpris(ing) personages Further details TBA. INFO: Michele Armstrong AAAS ANNUAL MEETING, SAN FRANCISCO FEB, 2001 Details TBA. AIR's annual session as part of the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science. -------------------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-27 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ SUBSCRIPTIONS (6 issues per year): USA 1 yr/$23 2 yrs/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 yr/$27 US 2 yrs/$45 US Overseas 1 yr/$40 US 2 yrs/$70 US ................................................................ BACK ISSUES are available, too: First issue: $8 USA, $11 Canada/Mex, $16 overseas Add'l issues purchased at same time: $6 each ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 ----------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-28 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. Mini-AIR is a (free!) tiny monthly *supplement* to the bi-monthly print magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR ----------------------------------------------------- 2000-05-29 Our Address (*) Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@chem2.harvard.edu SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improbable.com WEB SITE: http://www.improbable.com --------------------------- 2000-05-30 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 2000, Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@chem2.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (airmaster@improbable.com) COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Ernest Ersatz, Craig Haggart, Nicki Rohloff MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================