PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 2000-06 June, 2000 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 2000-06-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 2000-06-01 Table of Contents 2000-06-02 mini-Housekeeping 2000-06-03 What's New in the Magazine 2000-06-04 AITA: Aita, Aita, Aita 2000-06-05 Comes the New Millenium 2000-06-06 AIR Vents -- Exhalations of Relief and Pride 2000-06-07 Report Survey Survey #24 2000-06-08 Clean Mouth 2000-06-09 Da Man Identified 2000-06-10 Venterical Speculations 2000-06-11 Terminal Nutrition 2000-06-12 Bagel, Lox, Cream, and Cheese 2000-06-13 Omni-Therapy 2000-06-14 Refined Crap 2000-06-15 Alternative Crap 2000-06-16 The Hand and the Stomach 2000-06-17 The Stomach and the Hand 2000-06-18 Slippery Statistic 2000-06-19 Project AIRhead 2000: Ads and Grips 2000-06-20 MAY WE RECOMMEND: Twins, Onions, Scribbles 2000-06-21 AIRhead Events 2000-06-22 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 2000-06-23 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 2000-06-24 Our Address (*) 2000-06-25 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. mini-AIR is a free monthly *e-supplement* to AIR, the print magazine ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-02 mini Housekeeping 1. The play about AIR's forensic entomologist Dr. Mark Benecke will premiere in Berlin on June 9, 10, and 11. 2. In July there will be AIR shows in Philadelphia, Dayton, and Cincinnati. Schedule details are at ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-03 What's New in the Magazine AIR 6:3 (May/June 2000) is the special CRIME & PUNISHMENT issue. The issue includes, among other things: <> "WASTE NOT WANT NOT: APPENDIX TRANSPLANTS," by Andrew Skolnick et al. The author describes the first successful Appendix transplant, and explains how this procedure can be of fiscal benefit to transplantation centers. <> "n GUILTY MEN," by Alexander Volokh. The author explores the mathematics implied by jurist William Blackstone's famous statement, "Better that ten persons escape than that one innocent suffer." <> "HARDENED CRIMINALS (PART 3)," by Kurt Vial. The author continues his series of taxidermy lessons. Here he describes methods to prepare a specimen for varnishing. <> ...and much more. <> "WHAT DOES CRIME TASTE LIKE? A TEST OF THE MCGRUFF HYPOTHESIS," mentioned in last month's mini-AIR, can now be read in its entirety on our web site at See the cover and full table of contents at (What you are reading at this moment is mini-AIR, a teeny, tiny, monthly e-mail supplement to the print magazine.) ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-04 AITA: Aita, Aita, Aita Our Multiplicity of Authors project continues to accrue citations in which several co-authors share the same family name. Investigator Vinnie Aita has unearthed an Aita-laden paper: "7-Up Anti-Acid Lithiated Lemon Soda or Early Medicinal Use of Lithium, J.F. Aita, J.A. Aita, V.A. Aita, Nebraska Medical Journal, Oct. 1990, vol. 75, no. 10, pp. 277-79. (PLEASE NOTE: Investigator Aita insists he is not related to the other Aitas.) ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-05 Comes the New Millenium This is a reminder: the new millenium begins on July 1. Please join us in spreading the word, and in celebrating. For details, see ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-06 AIR Vents -- Exhalations of Relief and Pride PRIDE OF PLACE "Further to your argument for starting the millennium on July 1, 2000, it is obvious to Canadian researchers and scientists that this makes perfect sense. July 1 is Canada Day and the United Nations has declared (after extensive, expensive research) that Canada is the best country in the world in which to live, therefore the new millennium should start on Canada's birthday!" --Kathy McAdam PRIDE OF PASACHOFF "I was sorry to see anyone protesting your very wise conclusion that the New Millennium is to begin on July 1, 2000. Since that is my birthday, which I have always celebrated as a National Holiday, I am very glad to see the day transformed into a World Holiday." --Jay Pasachoff BREATHE DEEP THAT GATHERING GLOOM "I would like to read the full text of the report titled, "Real and Imaginary Halitosis," because I used to work with a guy whose breath was so bad I could smell it over the phone." --Robert Crawford ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-07 Report Survey Survey #24 This month's Report Survey Survey poses a basic bureaucratic question: In your experience, what percentage of all written reports are read by no one other than the author(s)? a) Less than 25% b) 25% - 50% c) 50% - 75% d) 75% - 100% e) More than 100% Please send your vote to ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-08 Clean Mouth There is a new weapon in the war against smoking -- a potent mouthwash developed by the inventor of Xerox copy paper. Details are presented, though not explained, at ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-09 Da Man Identified Thank you to everyone who responded to the official AIR "Who da man?" Science Survey. We must begin by apologizing to Craig Venter, whose name we misspelled as "Craig Ventor." The transcription error was not intentional. We are told that these things happen in nature all the time. Certainly they do with us. On April 6, Venter, the president and chief scientific officer of Celera Genomics, announced that his company has "completed the sequencing phase of one person's genome." Venter would not divulge the fellow's name. Our survey asked, "Who is the man?" Clever detective work had allowed us to narrow the list to three candidates, whose names we will spell correctly this time: a) Craig Venter; b) Craig Venter; or c) Craig Venter Now the votes are in. Here are the final results: a) Craig Venter 19% b) Craig Venter 57% c) Craig Venter 24% Congratulations to the winner, Craig Venter! ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-10 Venterical Speculations Many voters expressed thoughts, or something resembling thoughts, about the Venter vote. Here are some of the more intriguing. EFFICIENCY EXPERT Clearly, Celera had to take short cuts in order to sequence the genome ahead of the competition. It would certainly not have bothered to sequence a semi-colon if it did not have to. Hence, the answer must be (c). --David Kirchner LOBBYIST I think it is c) Craig Venter, but my husband thinks it's b) Craig Venteor. I hope this single e-mail will suffice for both votes, but if not, count just mine. --Carol Withrow CHOOSY VOTER You fail to specify which of these is the original Craig Venter, and which are clones of Craig Venter. I accept no substitutes. --Earle E. Spamer BACK TO BASICS I'd like to vote, but there's a genetic flaw in the ballot -- a mutation, if you will. The sequence should have been printed as: A) Craig Venter; T) Craig Venter; C) Craig Venter; or G) Craig Venter; --Paul Koch QUANTUM VENTER Note: I apologize for my bad English. Sorry. At the scale of DNA molecules, quantum effects should be taken into account, therefore I suppose it will be an overlapping of status. This means that the right answer to your survey is: 1/3 (a) + 1/3 (b) + 1/3 (c) Does somebody know about experiment with the Schroedinger's Cat using Craig Venter instead of the Cat? This seems much more politically correct that the use of a poor, innocent cat... --Roberto Rosoni ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-11 Terminal Nutrition Have you, like countless other fellow human beings, yearned for data on the quest for the Ultimate Meal? Now, at last, data is available. You can find it at ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-12 Bagel, Lox, Cream, and Cheese May we recommend Bagel, Lox, Cream, and Cheese? The combination can be found at ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-13 Omni-Therapy A new omni-therapy is at hand. Over the past few weeks, hundreds of investigators have proposed alternatives. One rose above all the others. Pyramids, crystals, shark cartilage, and magnets are no longer of the moment. There is a new cure for pain, disability, and angst. The winning substance was proposed by investigator Bill McManus. McManus writes: * * * "I was in New York City, walking to an important job interview with a friend. I had been experiencing neck pain for 6 months. The train ride to the city hadn't helped and I was in considerable discomfort. Suddenly, I feel a big fat rain drop hit my head. Only thing is, it's sunny outside. Instinctively, I reach up and wipe my hand over my hair. "Crap" I say as my hand is now covered with white gooey pigeon crap. " Crap" I say again as I attempt to fling the mess off my hand. It flies off alright, right onto the front of my new, dark blue, suit. My friend is now laughing hysterically. I'm tempted to wipe the mess off on his jacket but he's bigger than me. I make it to the office building where I have the interview and duck quickly into the nearest restroom. Fortunately, I'm able to clean the worst of the mess up. As I finish up, I suddenly realize I'm pain free! Not only that, but I got the job. So I nominate Pigeon Crap as the next Omni-Therapy." * * * For his former pains, McManus will receive a free autographed (by somebody) copy of the Annals of Improbable Research, and a free magnet. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-14 Refined Crap HMO-MO's marketing research laboratory has refined McManus's concept, adding to it a seven percent solution of feng, and precipitating out a three percent tincture of shui. The result is called 3-Guano. 3-Guano is an organo-mineral with mysterious properties. As McManus intimates, 3-Guano is destined to be the omnitherapeutic object of the first decade of the new millennium. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-15 Alternative Crap The omni-therapy competition had some interesting runners up. Here are some of the most effective, as determined by our laboratory tests and interpreted in turn by our qualitative statisticians. <> Investigators Linda Felver, Charles Mueller, and the oddly named Subs Regs all proposed omni-therapies involving people's toes. We are still trying to make sense of their entries. <> Investigator Rich Younger advanced a newly non-theoretical substance: "I think the answer, at least in the physics community, is obvious: Bose-Einstein Condensate." <> So, too, did investigator Carlo Graziani: "The DNA of J. Craig Venter." <> Investigators Curtis A. Ingraham and Kevin Randolph both proposed the Q-Link pendant. Q-Link pendants are: "durable and waterproof, requiring no batteries and no maintenance. They come in two designs: light-weight, bio-compatible, black acrylic, 1.5 inches across and diamond shaped or 1.125 inch diameter sterling silver case, either polished or brushed." Details, such as they are, can be found at [SIDE NOTE: Our laboratory technicians report that, when mixed with macadam, Q-Link pendants make excellent road surfacing material.] ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-16 The Hand and the Stomach Ever wonder what happens when the frog's hand cleans the frog's stomach? Someone has done the research for you. Read all about it: ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-17 The Stomach and the Hand ...Well, not quite all about it. If you want to know why the frog always uses its right hand to clean its stomach, look at ---------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-18 Slippery Statistic Investigator Sara A. Davnall writes: "With reference to your recent item on the possible dangers of beds, the following may be of interest. UK Government statistics released in May revealed that casualty units annually treat about 96,000 people who are injured in their sleep. Some 37,000 people had to have hospital treatment after accidents involving their slippers." ----------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-19 Project AIRhead 2000: Ads and Grips Here are further selections from our vast collection of items that inexplicably have 2000 as part of their name. ITEM 55290 (submitted by investigator Susan T. Terzov) VISION 2000, a head-mounted videocamera device that monitors eye position 120 times per second as the viewer is watching advertisements. ITEM 6433 (submitted by investigator Steven D'Aprano) GRIP BALL 2000, a version of Grip Ball. ----------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-20 MAY WE RECOMMEND: Twins, Onions, Scribbles Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (For a much larger collection, see any issue of AIR.) DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE "Heavy Consumption of Cigarettes, Alcohol and Coffee in Male Twins," G.E. Swan, D. Carmelli, and L.R. Cardon, Journal of Studies on Alcohol, vol. 58, no. 2, March 1997, pp. 182-90. (Thanks to James Quiller for bringing this to our attention.) DIETARY EXCESS "Chronic Consumption of Raw But Not Boiled Welsh Onion Juice Inhibits Rat Platelet Function," J.H. Chen, H.I. Chen, S.J. Tsai, and C.J. Jen, Journal of Nutrition, vol. 130, no. 1, January 2000, pp. 34-7. (Thanks to Miriam E. Tucker for bringing this to our attention.) NEW SLANTS ON OLD SLANTS Bulletin of the Society for Italic Handwriting (issued with the Journal of the Society for Italic Handwriting). (Thanks to Wendy Cooper for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 2000-06-21 AIRhead Events ==> For details and updates see ==> Want to host an event? 617-491-4437. POSTFUHRAMT, BERLIN, GERMANY JUNE 9, 10, 11 Oranienburger Str. / Tucholsky Str., Berlin Mitte World premiere of "The Real Forensic," a play about AIR editorial board member DR. MARK BENECKE, the world's most colorful forensic entomologist. INFO: and phone: 0221/2403039 FRANKLIN INSTITUTE, PHILADELPHIA SAT, JUL 8 2-3:30 pm. AIR show featuring: <> AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS <> "Taste of Crime" authors BRIAN LAWTON and MATTHEW HICKMAN <> Alien abduction statistician LEN FINEGOLD <> The magnificent JEROME LETTVIN INFO: Jim Moskowitz 215-448-1316 UNIVERSITY OF CINCINNATI WED, JULY 12 [Location and time are slightly subject to change.] 1:30, auditorium of the Vontz building. AIR editor Marc Abrahams will discuss and illustrate improbable research and the Ig Nobel Prizes. Sponsored by the Office of the Vice President for Research and by the Graduate Program in Neuroscience. INFO: Robert Gesteland MAPS: DAYTON, OHIO THURS, JULY 13 Dayton Convention Center, 22 East Fifth Street 3:00 pm: happy hour 4-6 pm: AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will publicly explore and demonstrate the state of improbable research & engineering. The event is part of the Materials, Manufacturing & Enabling Technologies Series. INFO: Wade Adams 937-255-6825 POST THEATER, NEW YORK CITY SEPT 14-24 214 E. 10th St. #4 American premiere of "The Real Forensic," a play about AIR editorial board member DR. MARK BENECKE, the world's most colorful forensic entomologist. Check with theater for exact dates/times. INFO: 212-982-7399 NEW ENGLAND SKEPTICAL SOCIETY -- YALE UNIV., NEW HAVEN SEPT. Date and exact location TBA AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS et al. will discuss and illustrate the Ig Nobel Prizes and improbable Research in general. INFO: Jon Blumenfeld TENTH FIRST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY THURS, OCT 5 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go in sale in August. IG LECTURES SAT, OCT 7 MIT (room and time TBA) The 2000 Ig Nobel Prizewinners will attempt to explain themselves. SOCIETY OF AUTOMOTIVE ENGINEERS, DEARBORN, MI THURS, OCT 12 AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will be the dinner speaker at the SAE TOPTEC symposium. INFO: Kurt Godden INTERNATIONAL ELECTRON DEVICES MEETING, SAN FRANCISCO TUES, DEC 12 AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS will ruin lunch by discussing the Ig Nobel Prizes and the current state of improbable research. Details TBA. INFO: Mark Law (352) 392-6459 STANFORD UNIVERSITY WED, FEB 14, 2001 Valentine's Day improbable Research with: <> AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS <> "How to Quantity Failure" author MARTIN J. MURPHY <> "UFOs & Internal Combustion Engines" author SCOTT SANDFORD <> and other surpris(ing) personages Further details TBA. INFO: Michele Armstrong AAAS ANNUAL MEETING, SAN FRANCISCO FEB, 2001 Details TBA. AIR's annual session as part of the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science. -------------------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-22 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ SUBSCRIPTIONS (6 issues per year): USA 1 yr/$23 2 yrs/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 yr/$27 US 2 yrs/$45 US Overseas 1 yr/$40 US 2 yrs/$70 US ................................................................ BACK ISSUES are available, too: First issue: $8 USA, $11 Canada/Mex, $16 overseas Add'l issues purchased at same time: $6 each ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 ----------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-23 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. Mini-AIR is a (free!) tiny monthly *supplement* to the bi-monthly print magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR ----------------------------------------------------- 2000-06-24 Our Address (*) Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@chem2.harvard.edu SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improbable.com WEB SITE: --------------------------- 2000-06-25 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 2000, Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@chem2.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (airmaster@improbable.com) COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Ernest Ersatz, Craig Haggart, Nicki Rohloff MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================