PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE ================================================================ mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 2003-05 May, 2003 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 2003-05-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 2003-05-01 Table of Contents 2003-05-02 What's New in the Magazine 2003-05-03 Wide-Ranging Curiosity 2003-05-04 Icthyology en Hotel 2003-05-05 EU Chocolate Directive 2003-05-06 Gibb & Rooker and the Comitology of Chocolate 2003-05-07 Comitology for the Masses 2003-05-08 Unexplosively Explosive, or Vice Versa 2003-05-09 type oof 2003-05-10 Video of Last Year's Ig 2003-05-11 Bax, Max, and Zax 2003-05-12 Chicken Poets Have Roosted 2003-05-13 Concrete Abstracts 2003-05-14 Bulletin of Wire Ropes 2003-05-15 Another Near-DEATH-BY-DISSERTATION 2003-05-16 Fingernail Water Limerick Contest 2003-05-17 RESEARCH SPOTLIGHT: Sticky, Unheard Paralysis 2003-05-18 BURSTS OF HotAIR: Psychoterminology, Soup, Drip Song 2003-05-19 MAY WE RECOMMEND: Sweat on Meat, Mutt Math 2003-05-20 AIRhead Events 2003-05-21 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 2003-05-22 Our Address (*) 2003-05-23 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) 2003-05-24 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. mini-AIR is a free monthly *e-supplement* to AIR, the print magazine ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-02 What's New in the Magazine Volume 9, number 3 (May/June 2003) of the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) is a special EVERYTHING issue. Highlights include: <> "Kansas Is Flatter Than a Pancake," by Mark Fonstad, William Pugatch, and Brandon Vogt. The co-authors present empirical evidence that this is so. <> "Good News for Guys," by Stephen Black. The author, an eminent psychologist, discovers evidence in historical scientific literature that men are in for a most unexpected surprise, should they choose to be. <> "Size, Timing, Everything, and Nothing," by S. Drew. A summary of the very best documented research on all four of these topics. ...and much more. The issue is now at the printers, and will be arriving at subscribers' doorsteps very soon now. The complete table of contents can be perused at ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-03 Wide-Ranging Curiosity The May/June issue of AIR also includes a special, deliciously detailed article about the work of a scientist who may well be the best and truest modern example of a prolific renaissance person. We are also publishing this article on the AIR web site, as a special ten-part series. The introduction and Part 1, together with a special index of topics explored by the researcher, will appear on Monday, May 26. Subsequently, a new part will appear every Monday and every Wednesday, until the entire article is present in all its glory. The parts can be labeled as follows: Part 1 -- The Early Years Part 2 -- An Approach to Stop Lights Part 3 -- Matters of the Mall Part 4 -- Time Hangs Heavy? Part 5 -- Motorists' Use of Sirens Part 6 -- Out Which Way Part 7 -- The Celebrated Brussels Sprouts Part 8 -- Caps, Chapel Attendance, and Perceptions of Ground Beef Part 9 -- Heavy Going, With Integrity and Gloves Part 10 -- Women in Vans ...and... Into the Future ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-04 Icthyology en Hotel Icthyologists who travel no longer need anguish that the hours they spend in a hotel will be "down time" in which they are unable to continue studying fish. Investigator Pete Shoemaker alerted us to the scientific opportunities offered by the Hotel Monaco in Chicago. The hotel's web site, , presents technical details: The Hotel Monaco Chicago offers travelers a temporary pet -- a complimentary goldfish. A companion goldfish may be requested when making a reservation or at check-in and is delivered to the guest's room for their stay. Goldfish care and feeding is administered by the trained hotel staff under the guidance of Chicago's Shedd Aquarium, a partner of the Hotel Monaco Chicago. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-05 EU Chocolate Directive The science world is once again agonizing over the EU Chocolate Directive. The melodrama could come to a head this very week, on May 21 and 22, in York, England, at the Society of Chemical Industry's conference on "CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE FATS AND THE EU CHOCOLATE DIRECTIVE." Details are at We, like nearly all other persons, organizations, and other human- affiliated entities, wish the participants well. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-06 Gibb & Rooker and the Comitology of Chocolate The British Parliament's most recent take on the Chocolate Directive, as expressed at , is revealing. It consists of the following terse exchange of views between a Mr. Gibb and a Mr. Rooker. * * * MR. GIBB: To ask the Minister of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food if he will list the European Commission's objections to the proposed comitology provisions of the proposed EU Chocolate Directive. MR. ROOKER: The Commission objected to a part of the proposed Directive which limited its powers to make technical changes to the law. However, I am pleased to say that a new Presidency compromise has now received Commission support and I am hopeful that a Common Position will be achieved during the Finnish Presidency. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-07 Comitology for the Masses We have received several letters asking, "What is comitology?" Comitology is a highly technical matter. Rather than attempt a "dumbed down" answer, we refer all inquiries to the experts: the European Parliament. The European Parliament's current take on comitology is expressed at . This view, of course, updates the European Parliament's prior view, which can be still be seen at Alternatively, one could consult Mr. Gibb and/or Mr. Rooker of the British Parliament. To sum up: if you have questions about comitology, please do not direct them to us. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-08 Unexplosively Explosive, or Vice Versa It has been variously said that: (a) the most interesting science is that which EITHER cures OR causes problems (b) the most interesting science is that which BOTH cures AND causes problems (c) the most interesting science is that for which it is not obvious whether it will cure problems, or cause them, or both. Investigator Brian Josephson has alerted us to what may be an example comprising all three varieties. That example is: "Destruction of Nuclear Bombs Using Ultra-High Energy Neutrino Beam," Hirotaka Sugawara, Hiroyuki Hagura, and Toshiya Sanami, . The authors explain their work as follows: "We have shown that it is possible to eliminate the nuclear bombs from the surface of the earth utilizing the extremely high energy neutrino beam. When the neutrino beam hits a bomb, it will cause the fizzle explosion with 3% of the full strength. It seems that it is not possible to decrease the magnitude of the explosion smaller than this number at this stage. It is important to decrease this number to destroy bombs safely. We are not sure what this means when the plutonium or uranium is used to ignite the hydrogen bomb. We may just break the bomb or may lead to a full explosion." ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-09 type oof Investigator (and LFHCfS member) Dennis McClain-Furmanski has been studying the flexible functionality demanded of certain U.S. government employees. He points to U.S. federal job announcement PAX-OC-0055, listed at , which says exactly the following: "The type oof specialized experience required will be identified in the individuao position deccription submitted at the time a vacancy is to be filled." Investigator McClain-Furmanski translates this as meaning: "We will tell you what experience you need in order to get the job when we hire you," and adds that "The ornate spelling is, of course, just icing." The spelling is also a further indication of the afore-hinted functional flexibility required of the jobholders. Investigator McClain-Furmanski conducted a brief investigation, with this result: "That quote from the job announcement appears on every engineering psychologist announcement I've looked at." ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-10 Video of Last Year's Ig You can watch all of last year's (2002) Ig Nobel Prize ceremony at . Special thanks and huzzahs to Forrest Schultz and Juliet Fox of the University of Wisconsin-Stout, who hoisted it up onto the web, to Bruce, Tal, and Julian Petschek who filmed and edited the video, and of course to all the winners and other participants in the ceremony. (Who, we have been asked, are those musical performers at the very beginning? They are none other than the Dresden Dolls, whose web site is at ) The Ig Nobel Board of Governors are now digesting the splendid morass that is this year's nomination pile. If you would like to nominate someone for an Ig, please do so SOON. General info about the ceremony, past winners, etc., is, as always, at This year's ceremony will occur on Thursday evening, October 2, at Harvard's Sanders Theatre. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-11 Bax, Max, and Zax Bax, Max, and Zax. The names ring out. They sing out. They are, at any rate, the co-authors of the first paper to be included in our new project, the RHYMING MONIKERS RESEARCH CITATION COLLECTION. Investigator Russell Mortishire-Smith unearthed this project- inspiring citation: "Measurement of Long-Range 13C-13C J Couplings in a 20-kDa Protein-Peptide Complex," Ad Bax, David Max, and David Zax, Journal of the American Chemical Society, vol. 114, no. 17, 1992, pp. 6923-5. The authors are at what is abbreviatingly referred to as the Lab. Chem. Phys., Natl. Inst. Diabetes Dig. Kidney Dis., Bethesda, Maryland. If you know of an impressive citation of this type, please contribute it to the Collection. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-12 Chicken Poets Have Roosted The judges in the first and last annual SELF-WARMING CHICKEN LIMERICK COMPETITION have chosen the winners, each of whom in some sense explored the research report: "Heat Produced by Broiler Chickens in a Commercial Transport Vehicle," P. J. Kettlewell, R.P. Hoxey, and M.A. Mitchell, Journal of Agricultural Engineering Research, vol. 75, No. 3, Mar 2000, pp. 315-26. The winners each will receive a free, lukewarm issue of the Annals of Improbable Research. Here are the poets and their limericks: INVESTIGATOR JOANNE SCHMITZ: For chicken soup simply sublime, Combine salt, pepper, water, and thyme, Two cups of wild rice, A pinch of allspice, Some chickens, a truck, and some time. INVESTIGATOR ALICE KASWELL: Kettlewell, Mitchell, and Hoxey -- Not one of them studies epoxy. Nice hot chickens in trucks Are what these muckamucks Stick to in their research orthodoxy. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-13 Concrete Abstracts We heartily recommend, with admiration but without having access to it, the world's best-named research tool: Concrete Abstracts. Details are at . Thanks to investigator Kenneth J. Sher for bringing it to our attention. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-14 Bulletin of Wire Ropes In answer to all those who have been asking us "Can you lend us your back issues of the BULLETIN OF THE INTERNATIONAL ORGANISATION FOR THE STUDY OF THE ENDURANCE OF WIRE ROPES?" we say to one and all: Yes, we have no back issues of the BULLETIN OF THE INTERNATIONAL ORGANISATION FOR THE STUDY OF THE ENDURANCE OF WIRE ROPES. We are, and always will be grateful to Richard Wakeford for making the BULLETIN's existence known to us, but we have never knowingly possessed a copy, nor even seen one. ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-15 Another Near-DEATH-BY-DISSERTATION Investigator Hauke Reddmann is yet another individual who was nearly done in by his dissertation. He writes: "When my father drove me to the printing shop (I have no car) he didn't take directional advice, and in the result had to turn left where it was forbidden, across a bus lane. A bus *was* coming. The bus had very good brakes, or I couldn't write you now." ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-16 Fingernail Water Limerick Contest We invite you to enter the first and last annual FINGERNAIL WATER LIMERICK COMPETITION, for the best (NEWLY composed!) limerick that elucidates this research report, which was brought to our attention by investigator Carl Einar Sjøgren: "Determining Water Content in Human Nails with a Portable Near- Infrared Spectrometer," Mariko Egawa, Tadao Fukuhara, Motoji Takahashi and Yukihiro Ozaki, Applied Spectroscopy, vol. 57, no. 4, 2003, pp. 473-8. The authors explain that: The water content of human nail plates was determined using a portable near-infrared (NIR) spectrometer with an InGaAs photodiode array detector. [Data] were collected from 108 cut nail plates with different relative humidity and in-vivo from fingernails. RULES: Please make sure your rhymes actually do, and that your limerick at least pretends to adhere to classic limerick form. PRIZE: The winning poet will receive a free, nail-biting issue of the Annals of Improbable Research. Send entries (one entry per entrant) to: FINGERNAIL WATER LIMERICK CONTEST c/o ----------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-17 RESEARCH SPOTLIGHT: Sticky, Unheard Paralysis Each month we select for your special attention a research report that seems especially worth a close read. Your librarian will enjoy being asked (loudly, so other library patrons can hear it) for a copy. Here is this month's Pick-of-the-Month: "Earwax and Level of Paralysis," J.H. Frisbie and E.H. Zahn, Spinal Cord, vol. 41, no. 4, April 2003, pp. 247-8. (Thanks to W. Bradley Jacobs for bringing this to our attention.) The authors, who are at Department of Veterans Affairs Medical Center, West Roxbury, MA, and Harvard Medical School, Boston, MA, respectively, explain that: "Patients with C2 tetraplegia accumulate more earwax and request its removal more often than patients with lower levels of paralysis." ---------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-18 BURSTS OF HotAIR: Psychoterminology, Soup, Drip Song Here are concise, flighty mentions of some of the features we've posted on HotAIR since last month's mini-AIR came out. See the whole list by clicking "WHAT'S NEW" at the web site, or go to: ==> Howard J. Brannd, The Father of Psychoterminology ==> The Bertrand Russell Murder Mysteries (Chapters 4-7) ==> Samuel "Marshmallow" Pepys ==> How Many Beans Make Soup? ==> "Till All the Drip Dries Up" ==> INTERVIEW: Martin Fleischmann, Cold Fusion Pioneer "http://www.improbable.com/airchives/classical/articles/fleischmann_interview.html> ==> IN MEMORIAM: Vellum Manikowski, the "Cosmic Pie" Man ==> A Decade of Burnt Food New Luxuriant Flowing Hair Club members THESE, AND MORE, ARE ON HOTAIR AT ----------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-19 MAY WE RECOMMEND: Sweat on Meat, Mutt Math BALKING AND RENEGING "Probabilistic Analysis of a Repairable System With Warm Standbys Plus Balking and Reneging," Kuo-Hsiung Wang and Jau-Chuan Ke, Applied Mathematical Modelling, vol. 27, 2003, pp. 327-36. (Thanks to Tom Roberts for bringing this to our attention.) The authors are at National Chung-Hsing University and National Taichung Institute of Technology, Taiwan ROC, respectively. ACCIDENTAL SMARTS "Intelligence and Behavior and Motor Vehicle Accident Mortality," B.J. O'Toole, Accident Analysis and Prevention, vol. 22, June 1990, pp. 211-21. The author, who is at Westmead Hospital, Australia, reports that: Risk of mortality was higher for men with lower scores on the army intelligence test... SWEAT ON MEAT "Modeling the Thermal Conductivity of Meats," V.E. Sweat, Transactions of the ASAE, vol. 18, no. 3, 1975, pp. 564-8. MUTT MATH "Do Dogs Know Calculus?" Timothy J. Pennings, College Mathematics Journal, vol. 34, no. 3, May 2003, pp. 178-82. (Thanks to Barry Cipra for bringing this to our attention.) The author, who is at Hope College, explains that: In all calculus books appears the problem of minimizing the time to get to a point on the other side of a river, running part of the way and swimming the rest. Isomorphic to this, if you are a dog, is the problem of minimizing the time to get to a ball that your master has thrown into a lake. The author has made measurements of how his dog retrieves the ball and finds that he indeed seems to choose the optimal path... [It] is possible that [the author's dog] Elvis chose paths that were actually BETTER than the calculated ideal path. ------------------------------------------------------------ 2003-05-20 AIRhead Events ==> For details and updates see ==> Want to host an event? 617-491-4437 THIRTEENTH 1ST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY - THU, OCT 2, 2003 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University, Cambridge, MA INFO: IG INFORMAL LECTURES - SAT, OCT 4, 2003 Details TBA. ----------------- CALTECH, PASADENA, CALIFORNIA TUES, JANUARY 27, 2004 Details TBA. AAAS ANNUAL MEETING, SEATTLE, WASHINGTON - FEBRUARY, 2004 Annual AIR special session as part of the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science. Details TBA. ENGLAND AND SCOTLAND - MARCH, 2004 IG NOBEL / AIR Tour will be a featured part of the UK's NATIONAL SCIENCE WEEK.AIR editor MARC ABRAHAMS, numerous IG NOBEL WINNERS, and other of Britain's most and least celebrated scientist will do improbable public shows in various cities. Details TBA. -------------------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-21 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you've been reading in this newsletter). ................................................................ Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ................................................................ SUBSCRIPTIONS (6 issues per year): USA 1 yr/$29 2 yrs/$53 Canada/Mexico 1 yr/$33 US 2 yrs/$57 US Overseas 1 yr/$45 US 2 yrs/$82 US ................................................................ BACK ISSUES are available, too: First issue: $8 USA, $11 Canada/Mex, $16 overseas Add'l issues purchased at same time: $6 each ................................................................ Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 ----------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-22 Our Address (*) Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@chem2.harvard.edu SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improbable.com WEB SITE: --------------------------- 2003-05-23 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@chem2.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (airmaster@improbable.com) COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne DISTRIBUTIVE EDITOR: Robin Abrahams CO-CONSPIRATORS: Alice Shirrell Kaswell, Gary Dryfoos, Ernest Ersatz, S. Drew MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts (c) copyright 2003, Annals of Improbable Research ----------------------------------------------------- 2003-05-24 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. Mini-AIR is a (free!) tiny monthly *supplement* to the bi-monthly print magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR ============================================================