Improbable Research

The Coffee Diet

A simple diet that really works

by by Alice Shirrell Kaswell
HMO-NO Diet Research Center
Cambridge, Massachusetts

We have developed simple new diet for people who want to lose weight. It is based on the consumption of coffee.

Big Public Need

Much of the public is overweight. Studies indicate that excess body weight is a leading risk indicator for heart disease, and for a variety of systemic ailments. Studies also show that nearly all diets are ineffective, because most people can't keep up the needed regimen.

Our new diet is very effective. It requires no lifestyle changes, and little modification to anyone’s current eating habits. The regimen is not only easy to maintain, it is virtually addictive.

The New Diet

The diet consists of drinking coffee, as much as possible, as often as possible.

Once cup of coffee contains about 100 milligrams of caffeine. After drinking a cup, a person’s resting metabolic rate increases by as much as ten percent. For those unused to drinking coffee, the rise can be even larger.

Benefits of the Diet

An elevated metabolic rate means that your body is consuming more calories than usual. Your body uses these calories even if you are just sitting there, doing nothing except breathing. Over a span of days or weeks, a net loss in calories translates to a weight loss.

Further Benefits

With the coffee diet, you will feel more alert. You will reclaim the hours you now waste sleeping, so you will burn more calories throughout the night.

And thanks to the caffeine's diuretic effects, you will never suffer from the discomfort and unsightly bloat of feminine water retention.

The Diet For You

To sum up: drink coffee, and you will lose weight. Drink more coffee, and you will lose more weight. It’s simple. It’s pleasant. And before you know it, you will be a slimmer, trimmer, much more vibrant person than you had ever imagined possible.

This article first appeared in the March/April 2000 issue (vol. 6, no. 2) of Annals of Improbable Research (AIR).

© Copyright 2000 Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)

This article first appeared in AIR 6:2. For a complete list of HotAIR exclusive features, see What's New.